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Suzanne
Suzanne, Therapist, LCSW
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 919
Experience:  Experienced in treating trauma, relationship issues, co-dependency
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Im in a casual relationship, started as friends and I had

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I'm in a casual relationship, started as friends and I had actually tried to fix him up with an aquaintance but he was not interested. We became more than friends within 2months of hanging out together, he lives very close, is successful and very intelligent. I am 46, he is 52.

I accidentally discovered after a few months, he was still seeing a friend, excuse the expression but a f-buddy; physical, not emotional for either of them, we had causually discussed this when we initially started hanging out as friends. I calmly discussed this with him without being accuatory or angry; and I actually did it naked so neither of us could get too mad at the subject matter...ha

We stated our feelings, I just didn't think I could continue to see him, he has told me he loves me, this was during the naked talk when I told him I saw her leave his house, I was bringing him donuts one morning, stupidly I didnt' even think about someone else being there...duh... I didn't stop I went home and ate all three donuts! ha I did return the sentiment during our discussion and discovered we were both stuck, wanting to see where we would go vs being true to our own needs/wants.

His history, takes him a long time to trust the relationship and he has asked for more time; (he was decieved into a marriage by a woman who had some mental and dependance issues he did not see until after about 3months married, she had 2kids and would not live togehter until they married), he has told me he is not ready to be exclusive, but says I have his heart and that he is emotionally connected to me, we just hadn't talked about it yet; for him, he says, I have all the qualities he admires and wants in a life partner, he just needs more time for him to trust the relationship. Had I not accidentally discovered he was seeing someone else, I would not know and wouldn't have an issue at all we would have had the time; but I do know and I'm really becoming a bit resentful, which I do not want to be, but it really hurts my feelings. It has been a few weeks since this all came down, and at first I just couldn't even imagine continuing knowing, but then the time needed for him I do understand and I have really tried to be ok and put it out of my mine. I would like to be able to give the time to us, but, I find myself wondering if he's with her, eveytime he's not with me; I catch myself wanting and sometimes asking which is uncomfortable for him. If we could discuss it openly I think I would be ok and not be pissy, because then I would know what he is doing and then I could make an informed decision to stay or not, but the not knowing the times, I'm struggling.

And this week, after he was away for two weeks with buddies, saw him twice in a week period after, then he was sick a week thru Saturday, then Sunday we went to a movie, tired him out, and he dropped me off at home. This last week, we made plans on Thursday, i broke the date and used work as an excuse, he then offered Sunday eve, but I felt slighted from seeing him Fri/Sat when I am off; so I used the 6am flight on Monday to not accept, and told him I'd contact him Thursday when I get back in town. I know have some time away to really think about all of this. He has asked for more time for us to naturally become what we will become, but the other person is an issue for me. It has been only a few months of dating, so I can understand the need for more time and he has told me he doesn't want to make a commitment to me until he wants to do it on his own.
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Suzanne replied 3 years ago.

Thank you for writing to JustAnswer.

 

I don't think you are going to like my response. This person has all the red flags of being a player and a poor relationship risk Here are the red flags I see:

 

1. Blaming his ex-wife for all his marriage problems. I guarantee that there is more than one side to that story. Why would a woman with children let a man move in if they weren't married? Most child therapists would support that decision to not let a boyfriend move in and be involved in the children's life if there was no marriage commitment.

 

2. He isn't willing to be monogamous. Sleeping with more than one person is not how most healthy adults figure out if they want to be with a specific person. You figure that out by spending a lot of time together without outside distractions. Or you date...but you don't sleep with more than one person at a time, especially in this era of STDs.

 

3. He isn't being honest with you. If he really wanted to be with you, especially with the length of time you have known each other, he would be with you, and only you. When a man loves a woman, he will move heaven and earth to be with her.

 

4. Too much drama for two grown-up adults.

 

Here are the dangers that I see:

-You are putting yourself at risk for a sexually transmitted disease by sleeping with him.

-You are putting yourself in a vulnerable position (naked conversation) to feel comfortable talking with him. Why? If this is a true friendship and potential love match, there would be no need for such carefulness on your part. You would feel comfortable talking about this at the kitchen table, fully clothed.

 

Sometimes a person who gives us some attention, but not enough attention can get us into a situation where we are "hooked" into trying to get it all...

 

This doesn't sound like a relationship, or even a potential relationship.

 

Find someone who thinks you are wonderful, and will do anything to be with you. Don't settle for the crumbs this man is giving you.

 

This may not be what you wanted to hear, but I feel you deserve my honest appraisal of this situation.

 

If this has given you something to think about, please click ACCEPT. If you need more info, just ask.

 

Suzanne

 

 

 

Suzanne, Therapist, LCSW
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 919
Experience: Experienced in treating trauma, relationship issues, co-dependency
Suzanne and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 3 years ago.

 

Thank you Suzanne for your honest accessment. What you have said I actually wanted to hear and needed to hear in an organized broken down way.

 

I knew in my head all the things you pointed out, but could not organize my thoughts around them for whatever reason.

 

I will take action accordingly. Because I find myself unable to freely express myself to him without getting distracted by his pursuativeness, I have decided to compose a letter to this man to explain my thoughts and the discontinuation of the relationship. I believe you were right in your accessment of 'hooked'; that is why I found myself conflicted enough to ask for help; I believe I have been right on the cruspt of being in so far, I would have found it much more difficult to discontinue. He is extremely pursuasive and I know I have feelings for him while not justified, I will be ending the relationship.

 

I, also have found I may need some additional cousiling to understand why I accepted this to give him 'time to trust us' after finding out his desire to remain active elsewhere. What in me would have allowed this knowing it was not what I wanted or needed.

 

Thank you again very much, I really appreciate you taking the time to be honest with me.

 

 

 

Expert:  Suzanne replied 3 years ago.

I'm really glad you appreciated an honest answer...

 

Counseling is a great idea...and you may want to read some of Melody Beattie's books on co-dependency (when we think other's needs are more important than our own). She writes from the heart, and is brutally frank about her own experiences, too. I really like her daily reader The Language of Letting Go

 

The good news is you got out in time with your heart basically intact!

I wish you the best...

Suzanne

Don't forget to click on ACCEPT so I get credit for our correspondence. Thanks!

Suzanne, Therapist, LCSW
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 919
Experience: Experienced in treating trauma, relationship issues, co-dependency
Suzanne and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you

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