Thank you for writing to JustAnswer.
I don't think you are going to like my response. This person has all the red flags of being a player and a poor relationship risk Here are the red flags I see:
1. Blaming his ex-wife for all his marriage problems. I guarantee that there is more than one side to that story. Why would a woman with children let a man move in if they weren't married? Most child therapists would support that decision to not let a boyfriend move in and be involved in the children's life if there was no marriage commitment.
2. He isn't willing to be monogamous. Sleeping with more than one person is not how most healthy adults figure out if they want to be with a specific person. You figure that out by spending a lot of time together without outside distractions. Or you date...but you don't sleep with more than one person at a time, especially in this era of STDs.
3. He isn't being honest with you. If he really wanted to be with you, especially with the length of time you have known each other, he would be with you, and only you. When a man loves a woman, he will move heaven and earth to be with her.
4. Too much drama for two grown-up adults.
Here are the dangers that I see:
-You are putting yourself at risk for a sexually transmitted disease by sleeping with him.
-You are putting yourself in a vulnerable position (naked conversation) to feel comfortable talking with him. Why? If this is a true friendship and potential love match, there would be no need for such carefulness on your part. You would feel comfortable talking about this at the kitchen table, fully clothed.
Sometimes a person who gives us some attention, but not enough attention can get us into a situation where we are "hooked" into trying to get it all...
This doesn't sound like a relationship, or even a potential relationship.
Find someone who thinks you are wonderful, and will do anything to be with you. Don't settle for the crumbs this man is giving you.
This may not be what you wanted to hear, but I feel you deserve my honest appraisal of this situation.
If this has given you something to think about, please click ACCEPT. If you need more info, just ask.
Thank you Suzanne for your honest accessment. What you have said I actually wanted to hear and needed to hear in an organized broken down way.
I knew in my head all the things you pointed out, but could not organize my thoughts around them for whatever reason.
I will take action accordingly. Because I find myself unable to freely express myself to him without getting distracted by his pursuativeness, I have decided to compose a letter to this man to explain my thoughts and the discontinuation of the relationship. I believe you were right in your accessment of 'hooked'; that is why I found myself conflicted enough to ask for help; I believe I have been right on the cruspt of being in so far, I would have found it much more difficult to discontinue. He is extremely pursuasive and I know I have feelings for him while not justified, I will be ending the relationship.
I, also have found I may need some additional cousiling to understand why I accepted this to give him 'time to trust us' after finding out his desire to remain active elsewhere. What in me would have allowed this knowing it was not what I wanted or needed.
Thank you again very much, I really appreciate you taking the time to be honest with me.
I'm really glad you appreciated an honest answer...
Counseling is a great idea...and you may want to read some of Melody Beattie's books on co-dependency (when we think other's needs are more important than our own). She writes from the heart, and is brutally frank about her own experiences, too. I really like her daily reader The Language of Letting Go
The good news is you got out in time with your heart basically intact!
I wish you the best...
Don't forget to click on ACCEPT so I get credit for our correspondence. Thanks!