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Anna
Anna, Social Worker
Category: Relationship
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Experience:  29 years experience in addictions & mental health. I'll tell you my honest opinion.
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Ive enough living with my parents for the past 3 yrs. Im

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I've enough living with my parents for the past 3 yrs. I'm 41 and had to move in due to chronic depression. I couldn't live alone. this was my only choice. Now, I'm better to move on my own. Due to this depression, my dad ended up getting guardianship when he couldn't get me out of a hospital. Long story short, he has been very controlling. This has been dissolved since last month or so.

My parents were both verbally and physically abusive when I was a child. I ignored them most of my life. Instead of being like them, I'm the total opposite. They are pessimist and I'm the optimist but realistic. Due to this, I always felt I had to perfect or else most of my life with them and others.

I've had enough of both of them. It's dam if you do and dam if you don't with both of them. You can help them but it seems to never be enough. Of course, they are not like this with other ppl outside of the immediate family. Mom's behavior steams from being stuck in an abusive marriage with my dad all these yrs (51).

I've had my dad jump on top of me trying to slap and punch me in front of an old friend who I tried to forewarn ab my dad's unhealthy and abusive behavior. he didn't get it till he saw it himself. This behavior towards me from my dad was bc I split a drink on the couch. He was trashing me bc of it. I had enough so I told him he didn't have to worry about it because I would be out soon enough. His controlling behavior came out and told me I wasn't leaving until he says so. I had to stay at the house bc he had guardianship on me. The police won't have done a darn thing. Plus if I left, he could have called the police on me. Been there done that. Due to this incident, he decided to get himself out of guardianship. This was a blessing and was approved last month or earlier.

Now, mom is disrespectful towards me after I take care of her when she is ill recently. She put her fist in front of my face last night bc I had asked her to leave my room bc I was ready to go to bed plus she's very nosy and snoopy, always has been. She is putting her anger at the wrong person. Instead of me it should be my dad and other ppl who have taken advantage of her.

Not only are they abusive but controlling each in their own way. Mom is more snicky about it but dad is more obvious. They do other good things which makes all this confusing. If I need my dad to bail me out of anything (not that I've needed this), he is there in a heart beat. My mom is very manipulative and uses victimization to try to get her way. It's worked on me before but not anymore.

When I try to set healthy boundaries with them, this is how they react either verbal or physical attack. I'm aware ppl like this are lost soul and always make excuses for their behavior.

See, none of this my nieces and nephews see this in them. I try to tell one my nieces but she either ignores it or doesn't think its this bad. She too came from abusive father. My sister knows how they both can be. She told me to get out asap. I'm still living with them bc through guardianship my Driver's license was taken away from me. It has been court approved to get it back but having to turn in medical history to the medical board or health dept of Texas.

My parents won't treat my siblings this way at all. They did when they were at home. Supposedly, they both had it worse than me. But since they are way older than me, I was raised by myself w no siblings to protect me. My siblings at least had each other to turn to during their upbringing in this unhealthy environment.

My point is how do you deal with setting boundaries with these type of ppl? I feel you can't. U can do it politically correct and it doesn't work. Like they don't get it. So, then I try the direct and blunt approach and it seems to encourage their unhealthy behavior. I'm to the pt where I really don't love my parents at all, I just tolerate them.
Submitted: 4 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Anna replied 4 years ago.
You're correct in this situation as well...you can't set boundaries with them...they don't respect them, as you've learned through experience. Write a list of the tasks it will take to get your life back under your own steam and then set about accomplishing those tasks one day at a time. I don't believe that anything else will get your freedom for you other than persistent baby steps over time.

Anna
Customer: replied 4 years ago.
I have accomplished alot since the release of the guardianship. I have had my own list for quit a long time.

I can drop others who do this to me but my parents is hard. It's kind of confusing bc they are this way but at the same time if I need $ or need my dad to pick me up or any other emergency he is there for me.

I've been setting boundaries with my dad lately. I can't do all he wants and others plus my own tings or I will burn out again. I have done it before sense the illness. I had to tell him and others this so they understand. If they don't then forget them. I do way too much for others to begin with. I'm a giver but won't be taken for a ride either.
Customer: replied 4 years ago.
You know of a book I can read to learn to be more selfless. I'm trying but others seem to reject this idea. It's getting better but not quit there yet. I'm needing it Christian base with psychology reasoning. Not illegalist but not anti-christ either.

I have read the Boundaries book by Dr. Townsend and Cloud several yrs ago.
Expert:  Anna replied 4 years ago.

This book is just what you're looking for! book


Good for you. Keep your list for you and stick to it. You don't have to tell them to fall off the planet and never give you help when you need it, but you have to refuse help to do things that you can do yourself. Otherwise, you fall into dependency.

Take care and keep at your list.

Anna
Customer: replied 4 years ago.
I've been focused on being interdependent in my life.

It's ppl being dependant on me is the problem. They see I'm responsible, go getter and have experience in several avenues. I've been learning to say No. I don't depend on anyone to do my things for me. I know the best what is right for me. No one I know would do things they way I would like anyways.
Expert:  Anna replied 4 years ago.


The book will help you tremendously. I need to close out this question as I've answered your original query, and we can't get into a chat mode in this section.

I wish you the best in your situation and an enjoyable day.

Anna
Customer: replied 4 years ago.
Hold on. This is a book about codependency. I'm not dependent. Ppl are depandent on me. It's like no one can handle their own stuff. I do my own stuff and don't depend on anyone to do for me.
Expert:  Anna replied 4 years ago.


The people you're dealing with are codependent. Learning the mechanism of the interactions will allow you to fulfill your goal of being able to give freely as a Christian without losing your boundaries or letting others intrude on yours.
Customer: replied 4 years ago.
That's perfect then. I can't find a copy of the table of contents to review. Amazon has the book but doesn't provide table of contents.
Expert:  Anna replied 4 years ago.

I appreciate the opportunity to help you out today. Please Accept my answer so that I can be paid for my work with you today.

Anna
Anna, Social Worker
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1945
Experience: 29 years experience in addictions & mental health. I'll tell you my honest opinion.
Anna and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 4 years ago.
Here is sample of my dad's past violence. When I got my 2003 car, I had told him I was going to drop him off & go home to another town. I parked and he got upset like that. He took a brick and threw it on top of my car. It put a hole on the hood. There are not witnesses.

Another time, I spilled a grape drink on the couch which I was going to get off with Oxyclean. He started insulting me. I told him that he didn't need to worry bc I would be gone from his house soon. This provocted him even more. I went to the couch to clean up stain and he physically attacked me by trying to punch and slap me. A male friend was there when it happened, so he was able to pull my dad off of me.

I couldn't report these incidents to the police bc my dad had guardianship on me at the time. They would have just taken me back to him. Been through this before! I'm no longer on guardianship which should have never been done.

I have a niece who adores him & doesn't or hasn't ever seen his violence side. My mom, sister & me know his violence side. I've tried to tell my niece but she thinks I'm over reacting. She feels this way because he has helped her various types financially when she needed him.

I know abuse is complicated thing. The deal is he does these things but at the same time if I ever need him in an emergency is there for me.

I think he may be bipolar bc he is very moody. Never know how he wakes up! Is his violence a mental illness or just evil acts?

Customer: replied 4 years ago.
Now, because he has no legal rights to me or control over me, he nick picks everything I do. I know this is also a form of controlling and abuse. It annoys me. I just try to ignore and not give him any reaction to encourage this behavior. He did admit he could get nasty at times w ppl especially me. He says I frusterated him bc I won't do exactly what he wants me to do at times. See, when he snaps his fingers he expects me to jump.

I am moving soon. Just having to pay for some car deal before I can move out. I know this environment is not healthy for me at all.
Customer: replied 4 years ago.
Another deal. I'm trying to break the cycle of attracting these kind of ppl especially men. They are nice in front of others but when we are by myself with them, I see their true colors. I don't stay in the situation. I set boundaries and leave.

I'm not attracted to these type of ppl by far. But, they seem to be attracted to me at first until they figure out I won't put up with their bad behavior.

I have a good male friend who I've talked to about this. He says its nothing I'm doing bc he sees a positive, nice and high self esteem woman from the beginning when he met me. Even so now, that he knows me.

Why do I attract these ppl? I can't figure it out. Is it because I'm nice to ppl from the start first and they don't know my boundaries or what. I don't advertise this.
Customer: replied 4 years ago.
I've been setting strick boundaries with my dad. Yesterday, he said why towards him since he will do anything for me. I told him bc if I don't I will burn out. Of course, then he had to tell me that I have to do things realizing others needs. I do that way too much. I'm thinking of me now so I don't burn out and get mentally ill like I have in the past. He also responded on how to the relationship experts know anything about setting boundaries anyways. Of course, I realize him & others who don't like boundaries set on them say this.

I didn't say much bc there was no point. The only thing I said is that setting boundaries is healthy and I need to do it so I don't get mentally drained and burnt out like before.

I know setting boundaries is healthy.
Customer: replied 4 years ago.
I was supposed to move out w a church friends home soon but that won't work out. I can't really afford to move out on my own right now. If I do, it will be very tight. I have no debt except school loans. I would like to keep it that way.

Due to my dad causing me a lot of stress which has cost me my health, I want to move out asap.

I was thinking of staying here anyways bc I don't have to pay for anything living with them. I can go anywhere as I which. But the stress everyday, gets to me.

I started a relationship w a man not too long ago. I thought of waiting for him to move here closer to me and then move in with him. I will protect myself legally etc. He wants me to do this anyway but I was originally going to move with this so called friend for 6 months and see how it goes with this new man of mine.

I'm confused on what to do in this situation.
Customer: replied 4 years ago.
Living with my dad is like living with egg shells. You never know how he will wake up or what mood he is in. Something like burning food on the stove will set him off. Since he has no control over me anymore, he nick picks everything I do. I actually can't stand the man now. He makes t difficult to care for him.

No apt will approve my application because my income is not 3 times the rent. My credit passed with flying colors. I have savings but they don't take that to consideration bc its not monthly income. What to do?
Customer: replied 4 years ago.
I have no family members I can live with either. My sister offered at one time and now she has backed off that offer bc she lives with her boyfriend. He doesn't want anyone living with them. My niece has 2 kids and wants to live on her own with them. My nephew has his own life with his wife and child. My other sibling and family are in FL and OH. I won't go there anyway. Don't have a good relationship with brother anymore.<br /><br />If I allowed my dad I would have very low self esteem. He is unhappy person and never satisfied. I can't tolerate it anymore.<br /><br />A good male friend has done some work for my dad. He states that my dad is way beyound controlling & dominate.

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29 years experience in addictions & mental health. I'll tell you my honest opinion.