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Dr. Keane
Dr. Keane, Counselor
Category: Relationship
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Experience:  PHD LPC
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Im trying to break a cycle with ppl especially with men that

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I'm trying to break a cycle with ppl especially with men that I've been dealing with most of my life. I don't fall in love quickly but when I do it's very serious and deep. <br /><br />My 1st husband I did more for him than most. I did all the cooking, cleaning of house, laundry, paid bills plus had a professional job in the computer industry and he just mowed the lawn every 2 weeks and worked as well. We never had children. We got divorced because he ended up being verbally abusive for several years and then one time physically which was the last time. I divorced him asap after that. I tried to get him help during the time of the verbally abusive times but it just got worse. he tried to suffocate me and put a knife to me at one point to. I know divorcing him was the right thing to do. My 2nd husband who I married after 6 or 7 yrs after my 1st divorce. We had a great relationship during dating time. After we got married at the reception dinner, I saw the greediness side of him. My dad had gave me a $5k check in my name. My ex took it out of my hand & I never saw the check again. He said he used that $ for our honeymoon etc. It's been over 4 yrs since my divorce. <br /><br />FYI. Sex wasn't a problem. If anything they got what they wanted in a managomious relationship.<br /><br />Dating has been horrible for me. I can help or be supportive toward a man with lots of things and they take me forgratten. Of course, they don't show all of this before I go out with them. I have met several men but only 3 dates. 1 of the dates was the last date for me because he was very permiscious with other woman. 2nd date was verbally and angry man. Sign of abusive man. Obviously, I never saw him again. Then I committed to one man who I've known since last year. Read my story to see what I mean about him. <a href="http://www.justanswer.com/questions/3q1v7-i-was-in-a-serious-relationship-that-began-on-11-09-it-took" target="_blank">http://www.justanswer.com/questions/3q1v7-i-was-in-a-serious-relationship-that-began-on-11-09-it-took</a>" target="_blank"><a href="http://www.justanswer.com/questions/3q1v7-i-was-in-a-serious-relationship-that-began-on-11-09-it-took" target="_blank">http://www.justanswer.com/questions/3q1v7-i-was-in-a-serious-relationship-that-began-on-11-09-it-took</a><br /><br />The men I met online on dating services at the end just wanted sex or $ from me. I don't have anything on my profile <a href="http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/prgirl071969lc/2010-07-12_124128_mineatmatch-3.doc" target="_blank">http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/prgirl071969lc/2010-07-12_124128_mineatmatch-3.doc</a>" target="_blank">(my profile for you to read)to state I was any of these things. My good male friend said bc I'm nice at first these men who are out just for one thing think they can get that from me than realize later they can't. I dump them of course. I'm talking more 95% of men online were like this with him. I gave up that because it doesn't work for me at all.  I was about to cancel my membership on match.com when I met one more man. He seems Ok so far. I met him on May 22, 2010. He seems to be looking what I am but time will tell. Out of 200 of men who contacted me, I only gave 6 men a chance. 2 of them I just made as friends and the other 4 I thought had potential. I feel in love with the one mentioned above. Now I'm focusing on this last one I met online. I'm no longer on any site as I mentioned. If it doesn't work with this one, that's it. No more online dating for me. I just found scammers that's it. Church men are not any better either. They tend to have lots of past issues they can't get over with.<br /><br />My counselor told me during my marriages I gave more than they did. The more I give the more they want. It's like they are never satisfied. I do set better boundaries but the problem is still there.<br /><br />Also with ppl in general, I'm a good support system where ppl can turn to release stress but it's always one sided. Now, I have set strick boundaries about this. I always feel used nowadays.<br /><br />But then I see several men all upset about woman who gave minimal to them and cheated on them. I'm far from that kind of woman. <br /><br />My point at the end of it all, I'm not appreciated and taken forgratten. I need to break this cycle for me to be happy.<br /><br /><a href="http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/prgirl071969lc/2010-07-12_130101_The_men_in_my_life.docx" target="_blank">Here are pics of the men</a> I'm talking about. They are all good looking men. I would rather find an average one who treats me well than one who is good looking and a jerk.<br /><br />
Submitted: 4 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dr. Keane replied 4 years ago.
Hi, you have some history here but you seem to be learning from all your experiences. Your counselor is correct in saying that you are the "giver". There are two types of people in life, givers and takers. You attract the takers since they know a giver when they meet one. You are learning about the boundaries you need to have in relationships. Currently you are interested in someone and you need to know if he is the "real deal". How do you know he isn't a taker or scammer. You take time, lots of it and get to know him. Let him court you, sit back and be "selfish". Don't allow anyone to use you. Just because a guy seems upset because their women gave minimal and cheated doesn't mean it happened at all. Remember they are giving you their side of the story. You may be "gullible" and believe everything they say. Be careful there. I would suggest you learn how to be selfish, get some books on the subject and read. There are ways to balance selfishness and many people don't know how, they are either all or nothing. There is a happy medium. Make you come first in all relationships and build your self esteem so that you know how and when to be accepting and giving (selfish vs. selfless).
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Posts are for general information, and are not intended to substitute for informed professional mental health advice , and do not establish a professional-client relationship.
Customer: replied 4 years ago.
I'm a giver to a point. I only did because they were too. I want a give and take relationship for sure.

I don't know if he is a taker or scammer yet. Honestly, you think I may be gullible. Actually, the opposite. I don't trust ppl that much. They try to take doesn't mean they get it.

I'm single bc I choose to be. I break it off with them. I'm looking for that happy medium you mentioned.

The guys I'm talking about who are upset, I have no relationship with. It's just men I hear at church all the time. I have no attachment to them whatsoever. I just pretty much roll my eyes and walk away. My good male friend told me I never fall for men's manipulation so he says I don't need a man like some woman. I don't want to need but to want.

I have a good self esteem probably better than most. If not, I would stay with these men and put up with them. A woman would low self esteem would do this. I don't. I even asked my male friends to make sure I'm not showing something that I am. They all say I show to have high self-esteem and independent nature.

What I'm saying at first men think bc I'm nice that they can be a taker but they find out soon enough that I'm not. I make myself clear. They find this out eventually. I'm the one who breaks it up majority of the time.

As I mentioned I've met over 200 men in the past yr over the net. I'm the one who said forget it and blocked them. I'm the one who has control if I meet them in person or not. I'm the one who just dumped this last guy bc of his request. I didn't fall for that. If I had low self esteem, I would have sent him that $. He got $0 from me.

My ex husbands or any man don't get their way with me all the time. I have major strick boundaries.

What books do you recommend for me to read about being selfish and find a medium?
Customer: replied 4 years ago.
I need to make myself clear both husbands paid for all our meals when we ate at restaurants, open the doors etc for me. So, I do expect things to. If they didn't do these things, no I won't give as I do.

I will definetly expect this men to do the same. I don't go out with men who have no chivary characteristics. This isI a must for me. I have high standards. I don't date men who have tatoos, body piercing or anything of that nature. The men who I go after are conservative in their looks and educated at least a Bachelor degree.
Expert:  Dr. Keane replied 4 years ago.
Hi, I hear what you are saying, here is one book you may want to read. The Beauty of Being Selfish: A Guide to the Unapologetic Pursuit of Personal Happiness by Daniel Ison. I hope you find what you need and want, a happy medium would be nice.
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Dr. Keane, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1692
Experience: PHD LPC
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Customer: replied 4 years ago.
Dr, Keane. I go this book you referred me to. The fist few pages were anti-christ. I'm sure the who book is this way. I guess I didn't tell you that I'm a Christian and far from anti-christ or bad morals/values. I'm not an illegalist Christian but I do have high morals and values.<br /><br />Could you recommend another book that is not Anti-Christ?<br /><br />I've already read Boundarieds by Dr. Townsend and Cloud.
Expert:  Dr. Keane replied 4 years ago.
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Customer: replied 4 years ago.
I didn't get offended but I'm not anti-Christ. So, the view point of this author I woudl not trust because he is definately Anti-Christ.<br /><br />I checked the table of contents with this book you just referred me. Looks like its more if you have self esteem problems.  I think my problem is doing too much for others, loosing respect which is a boundary issue. I set boundaries but ppl don't respect it. Now, if they don't respect it, I let them know but I hit a limit where I said enough is enough.  I do take care of myself and get things done for myself. I'm just more a giver than a taker. I believe any relationship should be both, not one or the other. I tend to be more the giver and the go getter which attracts takers even though I have high expectations. Does this clarify more my problem? <br /><br />Maybe the Boundaries book from Dr. Townsend and Could was the book for this. I have practiced strict boundaries, but most ppl reject them. But, they expect me to respect their boundaries. It's not just 1 or 2 ppl. It's a high percentage of ppl I come across in any aspect in life.  Things are better now than in the past bc I surround myself just ppl from my church plus my family.

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