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Cathy
Cathy, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1436
Experience:  Ms, MS.Ed., thirty years clinical practice
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My husband turns into an ogre when the grandkids are here (boys

Customer Question

My husband turns into an ogre when the grandkids are here (boys 9 and 11) This is only the second time they have visited and last year I thought maybe they stayed too long so this year only got them for a month. They are step grandchildren to him and he is the only grandfather they have as all the biological ones are dead. Hubby refuses to come out of the last century and realize things are different than when he as a child! (he's 68) He's on the boys constantly for manners, backtalking, not picking up their stuff, not doing things to suit him, not listening etc etc. He gets mad at me for not "backing him" like jumping in and also jumping on the kids! Told him it's more than enough what he's doing and they don't need me getting on their butts too! I don't coddle I just stay out as I do NOT agree 90% of the time. EG. Daughter calls yesterday, youngest gets on phone, older one excited to tell mom something and keeps butting in...mom tells him to let her talk to young one and he won't shut up so she says bye and hangs up...enough punishment in my book as he was devistated and dying to tell mom his "story" no for hubby! He jumps in and tell him how rude and he must call his mother back and apologize.........well he does but says "grandpa told me to call you and apologize, I'm sorry Mom" to her voice mail cuz she's not answering (punishment) makes hubby mad and he sends him to his room, and to come out when he doesn't have attitude........g'son comes out about 1/2 hour later and sets down to play nintendo with me and youngest but he's very quiet........hubby wants to know what's wrong, he quietly says nothing.........hubbys says yes there is what??? nothing....asks me what's wrong I said he's just sulking leave him alone .......wrong thing to say! hubby says he won't have attitude and sends poor kid to his room for the night! I try to talk to hubby and tell him we are grandparents and to give the kids a break, we can't change them in a month and as long as they are respectful and not totally out of hand give them a break! Tell him things are different than when he grew up or raised his kids and he would just have to try to cope! Basically he said there were just some things he couldn't cope with.....he goes on and on about differences in people, politics etc (typical of him! ugh!) Basically I tell him I don't give a flying flip and he is not to pick on the kids! So all day today HE's been sulking like a 2 year old, but watching for kids to do ANYTHING wrong so he can bitch to me about it! Ideas? besides asking him to leave while the kids are here? Kids adore him and don't understand what they do or why he gets so mad....at times he's SUPER with them, built them treehouse, took them to drag race........total Dr Jeckyl ,Mr Hyde........I can't help but wonder if he is possibly jealous of 2 little boys? I just don't know what to thing or what to do.....oh he's not a jealous person, very insecure, has to be the big dog in town so to speak, monopolizes conversations and uses "I" more than anyone I know!

Umm just got a message this has been forwarded to the "dog experts" LOL I agree hubbys acting like a pit bull but really???? I was wanting human answer.

Ps. it might help if I add he acted the same way towards my friends husband when we went to visit them in England and went to France.......in France I think he nearly had nervous breakdown...in my opinion from lack of control, over where we were going, the language, currency etc
Submitted: 4 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Cathy replied 4 years ago.

Hi yea pegs and thanks for writing.

 

You know I do not like it that this was forwarded to the dogs expert and I do not agree that your husband is behaving badly. I have to back up my answer on this, so let me try and then you can let me know what you think?

 

I know you are not going to like my answer one single bit, but here goes?

When those children are in your husbands house should they not adhere to their grandfathers rules and values? I am not trying in the very least to be difficult here, but while I am much younger than your husband I often spent time at my grandparents homes and often had grand nephews and grand nieces visit me at my home.

 

My grandparents were much older than my parents and had much stricter rules than my parents. I cannot say that I was always absolutely comfortable in their homes and I know that I hated the earlier bed time and many other rules but they were my grand parents and so I was on best behavior. I minded my manners because I understood that my parents and grand parents wanted me to become an evolved and sophisticated human creature that they could send around the world and be proud of. They did just that before they died and while I may not have appreciated their lessons at age 14 I did "get it" oh so well by the time I was 16.

 

I also believe that when you are a guest in anyones house you abide by the rules. If you are a smoker you do not smoke in a non smokers house. If you are a late sleeper you awaken early in the home of an early riser. I am not sure why your husband has to accommodate his grandchildren (step children or not) in his own home and why they have shown him such little deference ( not to mention respect).

 

None of my neices, nephews or grand neices or nephews are biological relatives. They are all "step" children to me and not a one has ever displayed poor manners or not abided by the rules of my household when staying with me. I adore them all and look forward to their visits. So, hate to disappoint you,

but both clinically and personally I have to ask

what is wrong with those kids that they do not get it?

Let me know.

warm regards. I know you feel you are in the middle, but hopefully you can see the other side of this equation.

Best, Cathy

Customer: replied 4 years ago.
Relist: Answer quality.
not forward this to dog experts PLEASE
Customer: replied 4 years ago.
Rules of the house? the kids are following the rules of the house.....they have a bedtime, are very quiet if they get up before we do, ask to go or do things, ask for food or drinks, say please and thank you, okay so you might have to ask them twice to pick up something but you sure don't have to turn red in the face and scream at them! You are right I do not agree with you. At my grandmothers house we were made to feel very special and loved and I am sure she disiplined us some but she also stood up for us! If we not being treated well be it by our drunken abusive mother or someone else she stood up for us! NO ONE was messing with and hurting her grandkids and neither will someone with mine! Husband has been talking how he believes in spanking children too...do you agree with that? no matter I've told him is he raises a hand to them I will call the pollice.
Expert:  Cathy replied 4 years ago.

Hi pegs and I just so know that I cannot give you an answer you are going to like so I am going to opt out so you can hear from other experts who might better able address your concerns.

Raise a hand to a child- no never. Having said that, I think we are on different wavelengths here.

Its a matter of perception Pegs and not much more.

Let me opt so you can hear from others.

Best wishes and warm regards. Cathy



Edited by Cathy on 7/13/2010 at 6:59 AM EST
Customer: replied 4 years ago.
Relist: Answer quality.
Expert:  Cathy replied 4 years ago.
Peg, you are already relisted. Just hang on until another expert comes online.
I hope you find the answer you will like. Good Luck, Cathy
Customer: replied 4 years ago.
Cathy not that I didn't like it I just don't think you understood, or I didn't convey what's going on, thanks anyway
Expert:  Cathy replied 4 years ago.
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Cathy
Cathy
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Ms, MS.Ed., thirty years clinical practice