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Angela
Angela, Counselor
Category: Relationship
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Experience:  n/a
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Help, I probably need more advice and counseling than this

Resolved Question:

Help,
I probably need more advice and counseling than this one paragraph, but here goes...My name isXXXXX am 39 years old. I teach 6th grade Science. Question: I met three wonderful men. But, I am having a hard time deciding on one.

Man A is a wonderful, kind man,family oriented, not selfish, but has recently been through a divorce(separated 2 years and divorced 6 months) and is a bit too feminine(his needs and not assertive) He is also having issues with intimacy... we have been dating for 4 months and he has not tried anything but kissing! He is a manager of a super market
Man B is funny, down to Earth, loving but manly,amazing kissing LOL makes me laugh, loves to try anything once.. ballet,, broadway plays... but he is away often he is pilot.Also his dad was killed by a drunk driver and he takes care of his mom.
Man C loves to wine and dine... into sports,,, wants to have everything just right wants and really wants a commitment... he owns a restaurant.. so he works a lot too but I dont mind if someone works...
How do i choose the right guy and what is important for a lasting relationship
Help
anna
Submitted: 4 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Angela replied 4 years ago.
Hello my name is Angela.
I am more than happy to assist you with your questions by giving you my honest and respectful opinion.

The way to choose the right guy is to think about what it is you want in a relationship and what you desire to have from your significant other and see how they measure up to your criteria. Think about what is important to you and then as you continue to interact with the 3 guys determine how they meet your criteria for what you want in a mate and in a relationship. For example, the first guy is not assertive enough for you and you prefer to have an assertive guy, therefore, this is a negative characteristic for the first guy, however, what other characteristics does he have that you desire? Another example, as you continue to get to know the guys discuss other issues that are important to you. Are you religious if so how important is religion to you? Do you want to have kids one day? What do you desire in a relationship? Discuss this with the guys and see how their values compare to your values. What are your values and how do the values of the guys you are dating align with your values? As you continue to date the guys and to really get to know them, continually discuss your values and what is important to you in a relationship and your future goals you desire to have with your partner and see how the guys measure up to what you want. Doing the above suggestions should eventually enable to determine which guy appears to be the right one for you but it takes time to really get to know the guys on a deeper level in order to be able to do this.

Edited by Angela (M. A. in Community Psy.) on 7/11/2010 at 1:10 AM EST
Customer: replied 4 years ago.

Hi Angela,

Thank you for making it a bit clearer. I made a list of all my goals and criteria. Honesty, respect, hard working family man, religion, education, humor, fun and healthy.. my goals: kids, own house, teamwork, balance of life.. And then I thought of each of these three men. I feel they each have most of what i need in my life. But, Man A is not assertive enough but meets all my other needs. I feel sex is important too and he is not assertive enough in that area either. His ex wife cheated on him and I wonder if that was their issue. He also is did not go to college and often I find myself correcting his grammar,,, again maybe that is too selfish of me,,, Man B is perfect but travels often, due to his job. I also wonder if his mom will be an issue for us... you see I live in Queens NY and he lives upstate... I teach in the city and do not want to relocate... if he needs to be near his mom that will be a problem... when I asked him where he would live,,, he said he never thought about it.. which i don't believe.. but I really liked him, I felt an instant connection to him...and Man C he was a good guy .. independent but he was a bit of a hypochondriac...oh and short, but i will overlook that not important. I must sound really shallow but I am trying to make the right decision for myself... You see on 911.. I lost my fiance,, he died in the Towers.. worked for Cantor Fitzgerald... it has been so hard to connect with someone.. I am much much better but sometimes wish that he would give me a sign LOL

Expert:  Angela replied 3 years ago.
Thank you for sharing and I am sorry for your lost. First of all you need to know that you are not being shallow because you have every right to choose the guy who you think would be best for you and so it is okay to be picky. In respect to the 3 concerns you presented for the 3 guys, I suggest further pursuing these concerns to see how they play out because then it sounds like only one guy would stand out. For example, with man B continue to see how things play out with him traveling a lot and whether his mother will be an issue. Also, think about how you will feel being at home alone, if you choose him, due to him traveling a lot. Also, ask him more questions about relocating...would he be willing to relocate to be with you? Another example, for man C being a hypochondriac...explore how far this goes with him. Is he constantly worrying about something: his health, his friends etc. and how will that effect you because you would naturally try to make him feel better. So will you constantly have to reassure him about his worries only to have him still continue to excessively worry? These are the types of questions that will help you narrow it down to one guy. Continue to ask questions and to develop your relationships with the men and then it will eventually be clear which man appears to be the best match for all of your preferred requirements in a mate.
Angela, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 681
Experience: n/a
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