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Jennifer
Jennifer, School Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 397
Experience:  Extensive experience fostering family relationships through consultation / counseling.
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This is a follow-up question for Jennifer. It will be 4 weeks

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This is a follow-up question for Jennifer. It will be 4 weeks tomorrow that my husband's girlfriend called me at work and informed of their affair-2+years, I have found out. We are doing well and trying to talk as much as we can. I need to know all the details and ask him what call ''rude" questions. I don't think I can heal unless I know all the disgusting details. He would rather not talk about that stuff because he says it brings him back to day one and he is absolutely down on himself because of what he did to me and us. We are having sex regularly and it is better than ever. I am studying e-courses from different sites and have learned a lot and can understand that I did nothing-he is the responsible party. I'm doing well and haven't cried for over 2 weeks, until the last two nights. Is it possible that I hear things and think I can handle them until I just blow? I never cried as hard as I did last night. I was inconsolable. Is this normal? Certain things I hear by accident-details about everything they did and when-I thing I am handling well. He thinks I am super strong and is happy that we are still together. But all of a sudden they overwhelm me and I can't believe he did this to me. Does this sound like the normal progression of things? The next day I am usually not so upset and able to carry on. What do you think? Thanks, Brenda
Submitted: 4 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Jennifer replied 4 years ago.
Hello again! Great to hear from you.

I think what you're experiencing is very normal. In a sense, you're grieving the loss of the marriage you had while trying to cope with what has happened and repair your relationship -- That's a lot to deal with! That grief will come up in big and small ways, often when you're not expecting it. Don't be surprised to find yourself on an emotional roller coaster for a while. You may be coping very well and feeling much more secure in your relationship. Then (as you said) hearing or seeing something that reminds you of what has happened may suddenly feel like more than you can handle. Remember this, though: You can handle this. There will be some rough times emotionally, but they'll pass (each one has passed so far, right?) It's OK (and healthy) to have those moments where you just cry because you can't help it. It's much better to express those emotions than to try to bottle them up and pretend everything is fine. Try to use some self-talk when you're in those situations. Something as simple as, "This too shall pass" may help you to calm down as well as taking deep breaths and using a creative outlet to express your feelings if that's something you find helpful (e.g., journaling).

I'm so impressed by how you handled her phone call! Good for you for remembering that telling her what you're really thinking would only aggravate the problem.

May I ask if you've sought any help through couples counseling?
Jennifer, School Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 397
Experience: Extensive experience fostering family relationships through consultation / counseling.
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