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Angela
Angela, Counselor
Category: Relationship
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Experience:  n/a
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How do I get along without giving in

Customer Question

For Angela:  How do I get along without giving in? My girlfriend's 12 year old daughter comes first. This is to be expected. This is a mother's love for her daughter. However she must also be the first one in the door, the first one to sit, the first one to stand, the first one to take a bite when eating, the first one to jump in the pool, etc. I can be standing there with armful of groceries, juggling the keys to the house, and my girfriend's daughter will be standing there in my way with both hands free waiting for me to let her in. She never lifts a finger to help, but always gets the first and the best of everything at all times or there is hell to pay. If anyone so much as disagrees with this girl, or does something against her will, like eat the first potato chip out of a bag, she has a complete and total melt down. She crosses her arms, sulks, and frowns, dispite all of her mothers persistant attempts to cheer her up. I see this as manipulative behavior that is constantly being rewarded with attention. I've gotten to the point where I just won't be a part of it. If they are visiting my apartment, I will ask them to leave. If I am out with them, I will just leave. My resistence to giving in to this manipulation is always met with punishment and criticsm. My girlfriend will go on for days about how I just left (instead of fawning over her daughter's mood spell like she does). I admit that I don't have the maturity or the experience to deal with the situation, so I've started to withdraw instead of giving in or trying to reason with them. My girlfriend and I had a major blowout because I sent them away to celebrate 4th of July without me after being attacked for yelling "STOP" when her daughter was melting down over my mocking commentary on her contrary attitude, eating corn chips that she had gotten into her mind were "just for her", and eating the first pickle out of a jar that I had just opened for everyone. I just started a new job, and I'm at my wits end over all this drama. My girlfriend never sides with me, even when her daughter is obviously being a pill. I'm always made out to be the bad guy. <p>If answered, this will be my first paid question. I would appreciate an example of services before being requested to pay higher fees. If this counsel proves benificial I will gladly return and base compensation on positive experience.</p>
Submitted: 4 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Customer: replied 4 years ago.
Relist:  I am having difficulty navigating the site without my credit card being repeatedly charged.  Requested refund for extra charges and all money was refunded instead. 
Expert:  Angela replied 4 years ago.
Hello my name isXXXXX have just returned from vacation and I see you have requested me but I also see you have relisted your question. Would you still like for me to answer your question?
Customer: replied 4 years ago.

Re: Getting along without giving in.

Yes please, I would like an outside perspective on this.

Expert:  Angela replied 4 years ago.
Based on what you have written, your girlfriend’s daughter is very spoiled and is acting accordingly; therefore, her mother needs to be the first line of defense by setting boundaries with her daughter. Also, I suggest sitting down and talking to your girlfriend about her daughter when the two of you will not be disturbed. During this time you both need to discuss and agree on what your role will be with your girlfriend’s daughter. Once you have both agreed on what your role will be then you both need to sit down with her daughter and let her mother tell her what your role will be with her in order for all three of you to be on the same page. Also, your girlfriend and you need to discuss the incidents you have shared with me and tell her in a calm manner how her daughter’s behavior has effected you and discuss together how you both will redirect her daughter from this point forward concerning those behaviors. Additionally, each time the daughter does something that bothers you from this point forward, your girlfriend and you both need to agree that you will discuss it calmly together and decide how to handle it. Doing the above steps will enable you to get along without giving in to the daughter. However, the process I described above will be a continual process for your girlfriend and you to do until the daughter matures, especially since she is only 12.
Customer: replied 4 years ago.
...Does is sound like normal spoiled behavior. I had some concerns that her sense of entitlement, sensitivity, and mood spells might be the result of abuse on the part of her adoptive father who shares custody with my girlfriend and overcompensation on the part of the mother.
Expert:  Angela replied 4 years ago.
From what you have presented it does sound like normal spoiled behavior. Without actually knowing her I can't determine if there is possible abuse based on what you have shared. Once the above suggestions I made are done, especially what your role will be, perhaps she will feel more comfortable with you and share with you what if anything else is going on with her.
Customer: replied 4 years ago.

Please allow me some time before payment. I would like to follow through on these steps. If met with disaster I will return with results and up the ante for further advice on this question.

Expert:  Angela replied 4 years ago.
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