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Jennifer
Jennifer, School Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 397
Experience:  Extensive experience fostering family relationships through consultation / counseling.
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Hi, I have been involved with a man for 2 and a half years

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Hi, I have been involved with a man for 2 and a half years and we have had a wonderful time, as well as great sex. One of the aspects I particularly appreciate is that he has not so far asked me to do anything out of the "ordinary", such as anal sex etc. However, recently he told me that he enjoys coming on my breasts, (I don't mind), and that he would like to come in my mouth. I have never done that before, though I enjoy performing oral sex on him. So I said to him that I have never done that before, and it is not one of those things that excite me the most. He then started to say that I have "come phobia", and sent me a few texts saying things like I really like you, even though you have C phobia. And the other day he wrote, "I have decided to cure you of your come phobia by exposing you constantly to it"XX I think it was supposed to be sexy, (we write a lot of sexy texts), however this constant c thing turns me off, so I explained to him that I feel pressurized with the C-thing, that it turns me off when he keeps sending me texts like that, and that it isn't romantic, and I am a romantic girl. Can I add that this is the first time I ever set a limit of any kind with him, and I also wrote that both of us should feel comfortable with whatever sex we are having-no?

And since then he is distant. First he said that he was only joking with me about the c-thing, and now he says that he is concerned because apparently we are sexually incompatible. This is after having loads of great sex for two and a half years!! I am so confused. he does not answer my calls, nor does he answer my texts. I asked if we could at least discuss it, but it is as though he has shut the door in my face.

Am I supposed to quietly go along with all his sexual needs? Is this a form of punishment in order to subdue me?

I am hurt and am thinking that I need to move on, but I am in total shock because this came out of the blue. Did I hurt his pride? I would like to understand why he would react that way? Please help.

What should I do?

Oh, and it sounds as though we are teenagers, but I am 37 and he is 50!!
Submitted: 4 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Jennifer replied 4 years ago.
Hello and thanks for using Justanswer.com!

You are 100% in the right for establishing boundaries regarding what you're comfortable with. The fact that he's begun to withdraw in the relationship demonstrates his own immaturity on the matter. He may be embarrassed for having joked in this manner (knowing now how uncomfortable it made you) and could be trying to pull away in order to protect what little pride he feels he has left. It sounds like this isn't something he's particularly comfortable talking about in a serious way. You could certainly meet him at his level by joking about it -- "There are lots of other letters for us to focus on -- Let's get together for some a-b, d-z!" This may at least open the door for the two of you to get back to a playful tone where he might not feel so threatened. This doesn't mean you should go along with whatever he wants or drop the discussion entirely. At a time when it feels like you'd both be comfortable with the discussion, bring it back up. Frame it positively -- "I really care about you and enjoy spending time with you. I'm hoping you'll respect what I want in the bedroom, but I understand there are things you may want to change. How can we compromise to meet both of our needs?"

If he's not open to discussing this at all, I'd say he's not the person you'd want to be with anyway. You deserve someone who respects what you do / don't want to do in the bedroom and is willing to address problems together when they arise. I wish you the best of luck!
Customer: replied 4 years ago.
Hi! thank you for this very helpful answer.Why does he feel the need to pull away in order to protect his pride? is that something that men do? I think it would be better to talk, but maybe that is not playful enough?
Expert:  Jennifer replied 4 years ago.
I'd say it depends upon a man's personality, maturity level, communication skills, and self-esteem. Some men would feel perfectly comfortable having an open conversation about what is and isn't an acceptable sexual joke or comment (even after the fact). I'm assuming he's pulling away to protect his pride based upon what you mentioned (not comfortable talking in a serious way yet making fairly forward jokes / comments). I'd say that reflects his comfort zone for how to bring up what he wants in the bedroom. You asked him to respect your boundaries and it seems he didn't know how to handle that. There isn't really an appropriate way to respond using a joke, so perhaps he found it easier to pull away and hope the issue dies on its own. This may, however, be an important issue for him and it's certainly worth talking about so it doesn't cause further problems. I suggest a playful beginning to the conversation just to help him to feel at ease and open the door for the discussion.

When you do feel comfortable bringing it up again, it may help to simply say that it's important to be open with one another about what you're both wanting in this relationship -- including your sex life. It may even bring you closer to have those kinds of intimate conversations. Listen to one another and see if you can come up with ways to make both of you happy.
Jennifer, School Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 397
Experience: Extensive experience fostering family relationships through consultation / counseling.
Jennifer and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 4 years ago.
Dear XXXXX,

I just wanted to thank you for your wonderful help. I feel in much less pain now that I understand his side of things better. This morning he sent a text and I replied playfully where previously I would have made matters worse by bringing it all up again and blaming him for being pushy. And we are now communicating again. Thank you! -Lisa in Sweden, Europe.
Expert:  Jennifer replied 4 years ago.
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Jennifer
Jennifer
School Psychologist
320 Satisfied Customers
Extensive experience fostering family relationships through consultation / counseling.