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Angela, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 681
Experience:  n/a
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It has been 6 weeks since I met and have been dating my boyf

Customer Question

I am trying to have a healthy loveing relationship, but have serious issues that are getting in the way. It has been 6 weeks since I met and have been dating my boyfriend, and we are in a relationship now. Things moved really fast, and we went from seeing eachother every day, to sleeping together after 2.5 weeks, to being in a relationship. He talks about the future a lot with me...marraige, etc...we cook together, do healthy couple things and this is all good. i really really like him and see having a future with him. He is the kindest most caring and loving person I have ever been with...and I have dated a lot of people. I want this relationship to work more for the long term more than anything. However, he gets really annoyed and frustrated with me sometimes, because I have a lot of issues that get in the way of our relationship, and make it appear that I am stand offish and cold and aloof, when really I am crazy about him. I am trying to get help for my issues, becuase I really want this to work, but I am scared I am on the verge of loosing him by pushing him away despite how much I care about him. He is significantly older than me and more experienced. We are both addicts in recovery--he has been sober 11 years, I have been sober 2. He has been through all the steps and sponsors many people, I am still in the work, but want to get through it so that this can work, and my life will get better. I just dont want to lose him by pushing him away without even realizing it. It's so hard for me to show affection or to be present, i am so in my head. What should I do? I want more than anything to fully recover and to be capable of having a loving healthy relationship.
Submitted: 6 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Angela replied 6 years ago.
Hello my name is Angela.
I am more than happy to assist you with your questions by giving you my honest and respectful opinion.

It sounds like you are getting help from individual therapy and from your AA group- so continue to go to both of these because they are vital in your recovery. If you have stopped either one, I suggest resuming it until you work through your issues. As far as your boyfriend is concerned, the best thing to do is to be completely honest with him and communicate with him as you continue to work through your issues. For example, when you begin to push him away, you have to stop yourself from doing this inspite of how hard it is and let him in. Also, discuss this with him and let him know that you don't want to push him away and that when you or he sees that you are pushing him away to point it out to you and to help you stop pushing him away at that moment by telling him what is actually going on with you in that moment. It will take some time to get used to doing this, but with his help you will be able to and the two of you should grow closer as you continue to do this.
Customer: replied 6 years ago.
Thank you. Also he says I'm not being an "active participant" in the relationship. What does that mean, and how can I be an active participant?
Expert:  Angela replied 6 years ago.
Based on what you have written previously, it is based on you pushing him away which is why I suggested the previous steps to help you change your behavior along with his help. Most men are natural problem solvers, therefore, when you push him away it causes him to feel shut down and he cannot help you, so he feels that you are not being an active participant in your relationship because he wants to help you with your problems because he loves you.

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