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Angela , Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 681
Experience:  n/a
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How Do I Deal With This HELP

Customer Question

My husband has a long time "friend" of 30 years who is an 85 year old man who lives with us that he thinks of as a "dad", and my husband actually likes this old man but I don't care for him any longer because he only approaches me when he needs something from the store, etc. How do I get this old man to move close to his blood relatives and get rid of him? We have no privacy, cannot travel, and I feel stuck. How should I deal with this issue? I do not want to cause any conflict because I know that would not help at all. I know my husband would not kick him out, so what should I do? The old man used to be nice until I really got to know him better. I am at the end of my rope with this.
Submitted: 6 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  philip.simmons replied 6 years ago.
Thanks for the chance to help. I am an attorney with over 12 years experience. Hopefully I can help you with your legal question.

If your husband is allowing him to stay, you need to talk to your husband. If he (your husband) lives in the home, he can have a guest if he likes. If you want the old man out, you need to convince your husband to evict him.

Customer: replied 6 years ago.
Relist: my question was not a legal question it was under relationships.
my question was not a legal question it was under relationships
Customer: replied 6 years ago.
Relist: my question was not a legal question it was under relationships.
my question was not a legal question it was under relationships
Expert:  Angela replied 6 years ago.
Hello my name is Angela.
I am more than happy to assist you with your questions by giving you my honest and respectful opinion.

Your frustrations are very understandable. I recommend talking to your husband about this issue in this manner. Schedule a time with your husband outside of your home when the two of you will be alone and undisturbed, for example go to the park for a picnic or a long walk. During this time tell your husband that you would like to discuss the living arrangements concerning the man. Tell him the above things that you have shared with me about him only coming to you when he wants something and about not having any privacy in your marriage. Ask your husband are there any other possible living arrangements which can be made for this man? Be sure your husband understands that you are bringing this up because you both need to discuss it and to find compromises that you both can be comfortable with pertaining to this situation. As often as needed, remind your husband that you both need to find compromises to this situation because you feel as if you have no privacy in your marriage and you feel as if he only comes to you when he wants something. Also, discuss possible boundaries you could establish pertaining to the man. It takes two to make a marriage work, therefore, your husband should be willing to discuss this issue with you and to work through it with you so that your marriage does not suffer any more.
Customer: replied 6 years ago.
I appreciate what you said however my husband would disagree with me. My husband would never send the man away as there is nowhere for him to go and he would never send him to a convelescent home. My husband and I did talk and he wants to handle the man. The man is his friend for 30 years and although I respect that, I also feel my husband is stuck like I am, he and I would never kick anyone out that is that old. Since you wrote to me, I have had people out here write to me and they seem to think that we should just evict this old man but he has been with my husband way too long and my husband actually thinks of this old man as a father figure which makes it even more difficult. We have been keeping better boundaries and have a spacious area in the home where we spend most of our time away from the man- he does his thing, and we do ours, etc. the only problem we have is that we always have to make expensive arrangements whenever we plan a trip or traveling. Other than that, I know the old man cannot live forever he is already 85 and has congestive heart failure and high blood pressure. So I guess when that happens, we will have our freedom and we both are at peace with that. Do you have any other feedback or suggestions for me about this, I feel I have had to keep my feelings to myself for the most part as my husband really cares about the man. Thank you I will wait for you to write one more time before I accept your answer. I appreciate what you said, you are sensitive and kind not like the others I have encountered here.
Expert:  Angela replied 6 years ago.
I understand your concerns and I am glad that you and your husband won't evict the man. However, I still think that you need to talk to your husband about this in the manner that I described previously, and since there are no other living options available for him you could just skip that part of the conversation. However, you need to share your feelings with your husband because you are only human and the two of you are a team and right now you need his mental and emotional support. When you talk to your husband, focus on discussing the types of boundaries you both can establish with the man so that you both have more privacy in your marriage. Boundaries are important since the three of you live under the same roof. Also, based upon his age, I recommend contacting your the department of aging for the state you live in to see what options they may have available to you and your husband for support: mental, emotional, and financial since he lives with you and you make expensive arrangements for him when you take trips. Click here for an example of the department of aging website.
Angela, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 681
Experience: n/a
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