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Dr Rossi
Dr Rossi, Licensed Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 4627
Experience:  Certified Hypnotherapist, Author, 13+years of experience.
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Im a 32yr/o f in a relationship for 4yrs. I left him for a

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I'm a 32yr/o f in a relationship for 4yrs. I left him for a year due to control issues-'there is a winner & a loser in every argument' stuff. We've been back together for 1yr & it's been 100x better. I had a very brief fling during the break which he's still angry about.
I found out 6wks ago from web history that he'd been looking at porn nearly every other day while I was working late. It was all anal with tiny girls & girl's choking during oral sex. Nothing normal. I was devastated & sickened. We argued but he admitted it was an anger outlet for all the frustration he still feels from when we were apart (he always wanted me back). Watching that type of porn out of anger I find disturbing. He promised not to do it again.
Yesterday he admitted to doing it while I was away for 3wks on a family holiday. A 'lapse'. I'm so angry.
Our sex life needs work & I have some body image issues however we've always talked about it. I love him very much-he fauns over me in every other way.
Submitted: 4 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dr Rossi replied 4 years ago.

Good Afternoon,

 

your gut reaction is right. There is nothing normal to look at that sort of stuff with the excuse that it is an anger outlet (besides, what you did when you were not together is irrelevant and should not be used as amo on his part)

 

If he is willing to work on this (which is mostly his doing nothing to do with your body image or self esteem) then see if he would be willing to go to couple's counseling. Many men now use sexual addiction/internet addiction as an excuse of not dealing with their own issues (lack of control, inability to manage one's anger, inability to communicate with one's partner, etc)

 

Try to find out what his goal of your relationship is (where does he see it in the next year, 2-3+ years and what his expectations of you are. Make sure you let him know the same on your part. You have a right to be not only angry but also feeling betrayed and disappointed and he has to correct that.

 

This is a workbook for the two of you to use and see if he is open to self improvement. You can only contribute 50% into the relationship. The rest is his responsibility.

 

The Couple's Survival Workbook: What You Can Do to Reconnect with Your Partner and Make Your Marriage Work by David C. Olsen

Customer: replied 4 years ago.
I have definitely considered couple's counselling but finances are really tight. He lost his job and was unemployed for 11 months which has set us back massively (the family holiday was paid for partly by my mother - I live in the UK but my family are all in Australia so I hadn't seen them for 3 years). It was tough on his self esteem too.
There was one other point I forgot to mention, which adds to my issues... he only achieves orgasm maybe 3/10 times from intercourse and never, in four years from oral or manual stimulation on my part. He can from masturbation (with the porn mentioned) but claims it is no substitute for the real thing. This adds to my insecurity with the porn situation. I already struggle with the fact that I can't 'get him there' so to speak.
I am normally a strong-willed person, almost to a fault, and my 'survival instinct' is to run so as not to hurt anymore. If I wasn't £12,000 in debt I might do it tomorrow but I'm not sure that is the best thing either.
Expert:  Dr Rossi replied 4 years ago.

There are some things you can do as a couple that are not really costly.

1/ make some time specifically to talk about the issues at hand

2/ couples workbooks and tapes (CD)

3/ if there are any free workshops or reduced cost workshops for couples in your area (since they are usually 1 time events)

 

It is not your fault how he reaches orgasm. He can tell you what he likes or does not like when intimate. You can offer some stimulation to him, try new things, watch couples videos, etc. Do not let his porn watching affect your self esteem. Your self esteem should be independent of what he does or does not do as a partner/lover. That is his issue to deal with. It tells you something about his will and desire to change does it not?

 

Here are some free resources for him to consider

Dr Rossi, Licensed Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 4627
Experience: Certified Hypnotherapist, Author, 13+years of experience.
Dr Rossi and 2 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you

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