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Jennifer, School Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 397
Experience:  Extensive experience fostering family relationships through consultation / counseling.
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Ask Jennifer. Hi Jennifer. I have decided to be in a committed

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Ask Jennifer. Hi Jennifer. I have decided to be in a committed relationship with Allison. I just felt that things meshed better. I told lisa and she was and still is very upset. I could tell that her feelings for me are 100% legit. After I did this Allison dropped the bomb on me. She told me that her ex put her in 60k or more in debt and she may have to file bankruptcy. And that her job being self employed is not doing so well. Here we go again. I have to say that it got me thinking a lot. Now I do miss Lisa but not overbearingly but it comes down to her situation (financial) is way better. So in this case what am I to do. It took me a while to dig out of my divorce but I am wondering if this is going to add to my stress with Allison. She claims its mostly his but who knows. Did I make another wrong choice?
Submitted: 6 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Jennifer replied 6 years ago.
Hello there,

I'm a little concerned about the fact that this info just now came up! That seems like a pretty major stressor in her life to not have shared with you. With that said, we've talked before about how there's a strong possibility that any woman you date will have something that may be difficult to tolerate (financial situation, baggage from a previous relationship, difficult family members, etc.) The question is whether the pros outweigh the cons.

I don't think this is evidence that you made the wrong choice. It will definitely change the outlook for your future together, though, if she's hoping you'll help to bail her out of this situation. Does she have a plan for how to get her finances in order? Try to keep this in her court -- you're not married and this is not a stressor that you need to take on.

If you decide at some point that you wish you'd committed to Lisa instead, that's OK. You're human. It would be perfectly acceptable to go back to her and tell her how much you miss her. Whether she would take you back is up to her, of course, but don't feel that since you've made this decision that you absolutely have to see it through. Stay with Allison if it feels right. If it doesn't, do what you need to do to be happy.
Customer: replied 6 years ago.
Heres the thing. Lisa sent me a text stating she will allow me to date other girls just as long as she has me in her life. Even as fa as allowing me to have sex with her and another girl as long as I wear protection. So either she really cares about me or is extremely desperate. Now this finacial thing with Allison she has a plan but the ending is not good. Bankruptcy. My business put me in a hole that i am climbing out of and i dont feel like going back in. Is her being a financial disaster a dealbreaker for most. I feel i am into her more but lisa has more to offer.  Also Jennifer, why would u be concerned she didnt tell me about the debt earlier?  She waited until i was committed to her.  is that wrong?
Expert:  Jennifer replied 6 years ago.
The financial disaster isn't necessarily a deal breaker, but it will definitely add stress to the relationship. Be careful not to fall back into the hero role -- this isn't a problem you need to solve and it sounds like you're doing well getting back on your feet financially.

I wouldn't say it's wrong, but I would have thought that would be a major stressor in her life right now -- something she might have mentioned in some of the intimate conversations you'd had getting to know one another. Perhaps she's a very private person when it comes to finances, though. There may be a level of embarrassment in the matter as well. I'm not so much concerned about the fact that she didn't tell you sooner, just wondering if she's being as open with you as you are with her.
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