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Angela
Angela, Counselor
Category: Relationship
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I have been dating this man on and off for a couple years now.

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I am a divorced mother of 2 young girls aged 4 and 6. I have been dating this man on and off for a couple years now. I have certain issues with him that keeps coming up. One of these is that he currently pays the car note, car insurance for his ex-wife and she pays his health insurance. He is also still very active in the life of his stepdaughter. He takes her to school, to the movies, helps her with her homework at her house, goes to her school events etc. The car note payment is part of his the divorce decree and the payments will end next year. He stated that he still have conversations with his ex. She would still ask him for his opinion on issues they have but mainly discussions relating to the daughter. It seems to me that he is still holding on to what they have and I feel like at any point they will get back together. Am I unreasonable to have issues with his involvement in their lives? How do I handle this?
Hello my name is Angela.
I am more than happy to assist you with your questions by giving you my honest and respectful opinion.

It is not unreasonable to have issues with his involvement, in fact you don't even have to like it at all because you are human and his ex and step daughter are not a part of your life. However, based on what you have written, he still cares a great deal for his step daughter which is not uncommon given that she has become a part of his life. Many parents still interact with their step children even after separating from their partner due to the bond they have formed. From what you have written, his dialog with his ex is mainly about the daughter, so I don't think you have anything to worry about there since they will naturally want to discuss her and the things that pertain to her well being. As far as you feeling as if they may get back together at any moment, I don't see anything that you have to worry about unless there is something else apart from what you have shared which makes you feel this way.
Customer: replied 6 years ago.

Thanks for your response. Your response was more focused on his relationship with his stepdaughter. What about him still paying her car note and insurance?

 

There was one instance when we had a date and he texted me to say he would be late because his ex called and asked him to pick up his stepdaughter at school because she was stuck in traffic and would not get to her on time. His text started off by saying "before you go crazy....." I thought he could have called to discuss it with me first then call her back to say yes or no. He thinks I was unreasonable. He thinks I should trust his judgment that he will do the right thing. Am I being unreasonable? I want you to be totally honest with me. I want our relationship to work and if I am unreasonable, I want to know.

The reason I didn't comment on the car note was because you mentioned that it was a part of his divorce decree so that makes it a mandatory thing that must be done. When people decide to get a divorce they tend to agree to what is financially feasible for both of them which sounds like the case with the car note. Also, it sounds as if they willingly and mutually chose the arrangement for paying the health insurance and car insurance because it was financially feasible for both of them. I have dealt with couples who have willingly and mutually agreed to similar types of financial arrangements simply because it was the best financial arrangements for them. I think if your relationship with this man becomes serious (-you mentioned its been on and off), then I think you would have a valid discussion to have with him concerning their arrangements with the health insurance and car insurance payments, but until that point, it is unfair to want/ask for this arrangement to cease. Also, concerning his stepdaughter and the call he made to you to pick her up....in this instance it would be unreasonable to expect him to discuss this with you and then to decide if he was going to do it simply because she is still his step daughter even though technically he separated from his ex, his step daughter is still very much a part of his life and their relationship has survived the break up between him and her mother. He naturally is treating her as if she is his biological daughter due to the bond they have.
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