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Angela
Angela, Counselor
Category: Relationship
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I am very confused by a change in my relationship over the

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I am very confused by a change in my relationship over the last month. He started pulling away but says it is not me but his depression. His wife of 13 years cheated on him and he is dealing with that - but he was dealing with it fine before and we were very happy for the first 3 months. Now he is not calling at all. He answers my texts but does not initiate. I was ok with this because he initiated everything for so long that he said he wanted me to initiate more. He told me last night that his dad was taking him out of town for a week and that he wouldn't have cell coverage for most of the time - but that he would text/call me when he does. I am scared he is just trying to get out of feeling guilty about not calling me back by making himself unavailable. Also, I checked the website we met on - he put his profile back up. But when I ask him is he dating someone else or looking for something else he said he said he would have ended it already if that was true. He has always been honest.
Submitted: 4 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Angela replied 4 years ago.
Hello my name is Angela.
I am more than happy to assist you with your questions by giving you my honest and respectful opinion.

Based on what you have written, especially about him always being honest, I would ask him if he is not looking for someone else etc. then why is his profile back up on the website? Also, is he still married? If so this could also be effecting his interactions with you. Additionally, if he really is depressed, depression could cause him to have mood swings and behave in a manner that he normally does not behave in, it all depends on the actual trigger to his depression.
Customer: replied 4 years ago.

I do not want to ask him about the website because I don't want him to think I don't trust him. If he is up there just chatting then I really don't have a problem with that. I should add that we are long distance - 600 miles apart - so I understand that if he is depressed maybe having someone else to chat with is something he needs sometimes. I am really trying to take his word that he would end things if he wanted something else or was seeing someone else.

 

He is legally separated, living with his father (whom I have met). He told his wife about me and everything. He has 4 children he is crazy about and I do believe he is depressed that he couldn't forgive his wife for their sake. He was depressed when we met. It just seems that instead of confiding in me as he once did, he has pulled away. He admitted to me that right after he found out, he sat in the bathtub with his pistol (he's a police commander) and a towel around his head - he wanted to kill himself. But that was rock bottom and he really has come a long way since that time. I just want him to be healthy and happy - I love him but am just not sure what to do and am scared I am becoming depressed too. I don't know if I should end the relationship, wait for him to end it, or continue to pray that we can somehow get through this together.

Expert:  Angela replied 4 years ago.
What you have shared helps me to understand better. Part of why he pulled away from you could be due to the intense pain he is having from dealing with his wife cheating on him. Being married for 13 years and then becoming legally separated will take time for him to deal with and to heal from and naturally could make anyone upset and depressed to a certain degree. Also, I understand police officers in general due to previously being a police officer (-listed in my profile) and coming from a military/law enforcement family. With this in mind, I know that it is difficult for those in law enforcement to reach out for help when they need it. Sometimes they do reach out effectively and sometimes they simply withdraw; I also think this is contributing to his withdrawal from you. Law enforcement people are used to solving everyone's problems but it can be very hard to reach out for help every time they need to for this very same reason.

You sincerely XXXXX XXXXX him, therefore, you could decide to continue to be patient with him and to give him more time. However, you must ensure that you do not get mentally or emotionally drained or harmed in doing so especially since you are beginning to get depressed. You could give him some more time along with reading the below book I recommended to my clients dealing with similar situations, which they found helpful, it can be found by clicking here:

You could check your library to see if a copy is available for free if you don't want to buy it. If at anytime you feel as if he may harm himself, you should call your local 911 and advise them of your fear and they could contact his local police department and send someone to check on him.

Angela, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 681
Experience: n/a
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