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Jennifer, School Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 397
Experience:  Extensive experience fostering family relationships through consultation / counseling.
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My boyfriend dated a woman for 6 years, she moved back to Italy

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My boyfriend dated a woman for 6 years, she moved back to Italy 2 years ago & they broke up a year ago. I've been with him 6 months, he behaves & speaks such that I'm confident he loves and wants to be with me. She had plans to visit him before we met & was to stay at his house but I didn't feel comfortable so she stayed at a friend's.
They went to dinner & dancing Friday until 1am, not with a group, just the 2 of them. He wouldn't cheat sexually. But I feel hurt, betrayed, that it was wrong for them to spend so much intimate time together. Then he said he might do it again Saturday; i told him we would break up if that happened. So i was going to join them for dinner saturday but he didn't feel comfortable with us meeting. I told him that would destroy my trust even more, so we met briefly at his house.
He still thinks he did nothing wrong but my heart hurts; am i justified feeling hurt & is it ok to spend that kind of time with another woman? 2 nights alone?
Submitted: 6 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Jennifer replied 6 years ago.
Hello and thanks for using!

He did do something wrong -- not necessarily because he's spending time with his ex, but because you've told him how this makes you feel and he is disregarding your feelings. You have every right to be upset by this (it would be unusual for any woman to be OK with that kind of private time spent with an ex). It sounds like he has a significant history with this person and wants to remain friends. What you need to decide is whether that relationship is acceptable to you and whether you're willing to offer a compromise in some way. A lunch for the three you mid-day, for example, would be entirely different than a night out alone with her. If he's adamant that he needs alone time, explain that there are too many factors that make you feel somewhat insecure and disrespected (alone, late night, dancing, alcohol involved?) The kind of nights out you're describing are dates. That's not appropriate and certainly not respectful of your wishes / feelings. Successful relationships are built upon honesty and mutual respect. Ask him how feels about all of this and what he wants. Then explain your feelings to him and see if you can come up with an acceptable compromise. I wish you the best of luck!
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