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Angela, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 681
Experience:  n/a
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I met a man that I eventually came to really love and he broke

Customer Question

I met a man that I eventually came to really love and he broke up with me. I was devastated as just the week before he told me he loved me too. After almost getting over it, he called and we talked forever and it was like we had never been apart. We got back together. He is an architect and has been laid off for 1 1/2 years and is working 2 part time jobs to keep afloat and doesn't have much time to see me. 2 weeks ago he said he didn't like himself very much and said he needed time to himself again...he had to declare bankrupcy and now his ex-wife's house will probably be in jeopardy as he included it. I don't know if waiting out this time in his life is the appropriate thing to do as I do love him and I understand....just don't know if he just gets a job in his profession is going to be the answer or should I just let him go this time?
Submitted: 7 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Angela replied 7 years ago.
Hello my name is Angela.
I am more than happy to assist you with your questions by giving you my honest and respectful opinion.

It seems that you have been on a bit of roller coaster ride with him especially now that he is telling you that he needs some space from your relationship. Therefore, since he broke up with you previously and once again you were both together but he feels as if he needs space, I think that you should give him space from your relationship. While you are giving him space if you meet someone else that is fine because he is the one who wants to take time apart from your relationship. So I don't think you have to actually choose, but instead give him the time apart from your relationship that he wants. Also, if you choose to date and move on that is fine, but I don't think that you should sit around and wait when he chooses to have time apart in this relationship.
Customer: replied 7 years ago.
Why do you think he decided that he missed me in the first place (knowing his situation work-wise was still the way it was and is now) and then wanted to get back together only to do this again? Now is about the time when his bankrupcy is coming to court and everything around him is crashing, yet I am the one good thing he has in his life besides his girls. Is it really just because "he really doesn't like himself" at this point? I feel so bad that there is nothing I can do for him and believe me when we are happy, we are so in sync with each other and we have so much fun and that is why this is so hard for me I guess because I do miss him terribly.
Expert:  Angela replied 7 years ago.
I think he wanted to get back together with you because he cares about you, however, he has personal issues going on inside of him that he needs to deal with and as a result he selfishly just pulled away from you again instead of dealing with his issues in a healthy manner that does not hurt you or him. I can't tell if he likes himself or not based on what you have shared with me, but I can tell that he does have serious personal issues which he needs to address and deal with. Also, having to file for bankruptcy is very stressful and without question this has also effected him in a negative manner, however, once the process is over, you may once again see a happier side to him especially if the bankruptcy is successful and his debts are discharged. Based on all of the personal things that he has going on, I don't see how he could possibly give you 100% as you have been doing for him. I think he needs to deal with his issues in a healthy manner and to get control over them first, and then he would be able to be available to you in a healthy and stable manner.
Customer: replied 7 years ago.
Caring about me and loving me is one thing, but it seems he cannot forgive himself for the mistakes inpast relationships ( marriages) he has had and how do I deal with that? I have told him to forgive himself and to go on, I love him for what he is today and can be, he is the one who beats himself up. He does not want to rely on someone, I feel that is what is needed and I know that it is not easy but I want him to rely on me and he totally wants to push me away and not acknowledge that I want to be there for him and that our relationship can be molded on the fact that we do get along and have had failed marriages and there are things in life that can be made better with 2 individuals making a plan for the long run. I think this could work if he would quit shutting out the outside world and me and let people in, he is stubborn and thinks his ways are the best but I argue they haven't worked out so well to this point. It is not about right or wrong, but how can we get to be together now or in the future together, that is what I care about!
Expert:  Angela replied 7 years ago.
Based on all that we have written about thus far, I think the best thing would be to somehow arrange for both of you to go to counseling because you cannot get him to change his ways. He has to be willing to work on himself and desire to change his ways. This is why I think both of you going to counseling would be good for your relationship so that you can both begin to work on the various issues we have been writing about. Ultimately, if he continues to push you away and to shut you out, there is nothing you can do to change that because he has to choose to let you in. He knows how deeply you care for him because you have been showing him by being there for him, however, he must choose to let you 100% in.
Customer: replied 7 years ago.
But he will say he has no time for counseling, please understand that this man is working 14-15 hours per day. So my question is why does he keep opening up and letting me in and then choosing to shut me out? I feel like I let him have all the control and when he says he's ok, I go running. Does this make me pitiful or desperate that I will just take this from him or do I defend that I love him and understand his situation and am trying to show the dedication I have for him because I know he's not had that from anyone.
Expert:  Angela replied 7 years ago.
I still feel as though he is doing this for the reasons I cited in my previous post such as the personal issues that he needs to deal with which are controlling his behavior and causing him to take you on a roller coaster ride. This situation makes you a person who obviously cares deeply about him, however, if he is not willing to let you in or to open up to you, you can't force him to. He has to take his share of responsibility in this relationship and you cannot do that for him all though I know you would if it were possible because you care about him. Therefore, you have to decide if you want to continue on with him in this manner and continue to wait to see if he will let you in or if you want to take some time away from him since he is causing you pain and hurt and will not let you in. Again, he must do his part in this relationship or you will continue to get hurt and to be shut out from his life.
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Customer: replied 6 years ago.

Do you think it will change when he finally gets a job that takes away the stress of being strapped financially? I guess my question is is it worth it to keep waiting? He recently asked me to move in with him next summer and I think that would both help in relieving financial stress and we would get to see each other more often. Recently tho, an old friend (Jeff) informed me of being very interested in having a relationship with me. His wife that he was in the middle of a divorce with passed away on Sept. 1 of this year. His daughter is 17 so it would be a little while before he would ever let her know that he is interested in someone else and that is ok. I just don't know who I should really be with. I know that Jeff would treat me like a queen, whereas Michael continues to be in love one moment and then it dies down again and distances himself from me. What do you think I should do?