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Angela
Angela, Counselor
Category: Relationship
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Experience:  n/a
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I am not sure how to feel or act toward my girlfriend when

Customer Question

I am not sure how to feel or act toward my girlfriend when she has just told me she and kiss her ex and hung out with someone else since we have been dating. I try to keep a conversation going and it only lasts about maybe five minutes due to the one word answer I get back.
Submitted: 4 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Angela replied 4 years ago.
Hello my name is Angela.
I am more than happy to assist you with your questions by giving you my honest and respectful opinion.

The reason you cannot go back to being happy again and as if things were normal is because of your girlfriend betraying your trust and disregarding how deeply she has hurt you by her actions. If she continues not to accept her responsibility for her actions when you discuss this with her, then you should seriously consider if you want to continue on in a relationship with her. Your hurt will not be able to heal in your relationship unless she accepts responsibility for her actions and works with you to repair the damage that she has caused to your relationship.
Customer: replied 4 years ago.
Yeah I understand that and wish she would because I have messed up in the relationship to but I never hung out with anyone else or kissed anyone else. What I did was talk to a female peer in one of my college classes and we talked mainly about the teacher and yes every now and then we didn't talk about the class but we never tried to hang out or asked for phone numbers. This talking that I did was on facebook and from what I was wanting was a friendship and yes I may have said some things that should not have been said. As soon as my girlfriend found out I made sure to change how I was and how I treated her and things got better. She doesn't do anything like what I have done to try and fix it and she has even said she doesn't care or even said she was sorry because what she did was after what I did and said I kinda deserved it.
Expert:  Angela replied 4 years ago.
Well I think you deserve to have a girlfriend who does care and one who does not try to blame you for her actions based on past mistakes which you have made and corrected in the relationship. It honestly sounds like she is not going to be accountable for her behavior or for how deeply she has hurt you. I think you should consider ending the relationship because she has made it clear that she does not care and is not willing to be accountable for her actions. Therefore, you will continue to get hurt by her and she will continue not to care if you stay in this relationship that you are giving 100% to and she is giving 50% to. You deserve far better than this.
Customer: replied 4 years ago.
But then she has also asked me about moving in together after dating a year and three months. I told her that I am not ready for that big step yet and she has told me how if anyone gave her the opportunity to move in or marry me tomorrow that she wouldn't hesitate and do it right away. But the fact that I'm not ready has made her say that she thinks this may be a wast of time because I am not on the same page that she is. I don't want to end the relationship because she is my first true relationship and I can't discribe the feelings I have for her.
Expert:  Angela replied 4 years ago.
Based upon this, you have to decide if you want to allow her to pressure you in reference to moving in together, I would suggest that you don't move in with her since you have said that you are not ready. Instead of her pressuring you to move in with her, she should respect your honesty in sharing with her that you are not ready yet. Also, for her to think that the relationship could be a waste of time because you are not on her time schedule pertaining to living together is another red flag. Therefore, you have to decide and realize that the things we have discussed thus far which bother you in your relationship that she doesn't feel the same way about them. She also does not respect your feelings and your needs in the areas we have discussed. If you choose to stay in this relationship, you will continue to go through these types of painful and pressure bearing experiences until she decides to respect and value your feelings and to give as much as you are to the relationship.
Angela, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 681
Experience: n/a
Angela and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 4 years ago.
Wow you are helping a lot! Things between my girlfriend and I are looking better and have just resently talked about this again and I explained to her my feelings about living together and I felt like she is respecting my thoughts towards it a little more even though she still wants to get moving faster. I will be giving you a great feedback report!

But with the help you have given me thus far I do have another question that I am also facing toward my girlfriend.

I went to a community college last year to play golf my freshman year which is and hour away. Her and I started dating toward the end of my school year and we saw each other about two or maybe three times a week which was hard for just starting the relationship. I then transfered to a division I school (University of Kansas) which is 30 minutes away and ended up moving home and driving back and forth. I have not done very well here and have be really thinking about going back the the community college next year to play golf and save some money. I have not told her this yet because I am scared that once I do she will be really upset at me and it could end (which I don't want to happen). She is going to be playing softball for a division II college next year so if we both did sports it would really cut back on time of seeing each other. I just don't know what to do toward tell her or even talking about it.
Expert:  Angela replied 4 years ago.
I think the best thing to do would be to first see how things will work out concerning the issues we've discussed already (-her understanding that you are not ready to live with her, etc.). Once you have a better sense of how the existing issues will work out, then I think it would be appropriate to share with her the possibility of going to the community college. Since you are only thinking about doing this, you want to be careful not to add to much to your already stressed relationship. Therefore, by continuing to work through the existing issues and having a better sense of where the relationship is headed at the appropriate time you could share what you have been thinking about with her concerning the community college.
Customer: replied 4 years ago.
Okay that's what my mother and step-mother have mentioned is to wait to see about if I even get offered the spot back up there. But I'm concered that what if we don't get things calimed down till later in the summer and then it will only be like a month before I more farther away. I also worry that she would then start asking why I didn't tell her sooner and why I was hiding it from her. Frown
Expert:  Angela replied 4 years ago.
I didn't know that you were waiting to see if you were actually offered a spot up there. If you are actually waiting to see if you offered a spot (-meaning you have taken actions for this to possibly occur) then you should discuss this with her because this is different than just thinking about going away to this school since you would have taken action to possibly be able to do so.



Edited by Angela (M. A. in Community Psy.) on 5/10/2010 at 3:18 PM EST
Customer: replied 4 years ago.
Oh yes sorry I have taken some action because my best friend signed there right after I said I wasn't going there this year. I have told him how much I miss playing and so he talked to the coach and I emailed him. I am just waiting to see if any of the guys on the team have bad grades and wouldn't be there next year. So I still don't no for sure yet if I am going but it could be a major possibility. The reason I'm scared to tell her is that if she don't see me for even one day then she all of a sudden starts saying she doesn't care what happens or when we hang out. She also gets in this mode of accusing me that I'm am with someone else and thats why I don't want to see her. That's what scares me to tell her or even memtion it.
Expert:  Angela replied 4 years ago.
I think you still need to tell her about the possibility because it takes two to make a relationship work. You have been giving 100% to this relationship and walking around on egg shells around her which you should not have to do. She has only been giving 50% to the relationship and doing whatever she wants. However, you need to continue to be honest for your own integrity and peace of mind.
Customer: replied 4 years ago.
She just told me today that she is always thinking that there is something going on behind her back. She keeps thinking I am seeing someone else or talking to someone else and I start reassuring her because I am not doing anything and never will. She said that the only way she can see it stoping is by breaking up. I don't even know what to do or say when she says this because it is like no matter what I tell her she thinks I am always lie about it.
Expert:  Angela replied 4 years ago.
Based on all of the things we have discussed, if she wants to break up, it seems that you would be better off. Again, all you can do is to be honest with her as you have been doing. You have been giving 100% to this relationship and she has only been giving 50% to the relationship.You deserve better than this.

Edited by Angela (M. A. in Community Psy.) on 5/12/2010 at 12:51 PM EST
Customer: replied 4 years ago.
I am still having a hard time with explaining to her why it is I am not ready to move in together. I don't think I have told you how I have to her that I want to be with her for a long if not forever. She has talked to me about marriage and we both understand that it would be after college. But seeing how I have told her all that she doesn't understand why I am not wanting to move in together. She said that she has asked her parents about it and another older adult and also her friends. There seem to be a lot of people around her that are moving in together and haven't been together as long as we have. Everyone that I see moving in together are at least sophomores in college which I told her when she is a sophomore (next year) I can guarantee I will be ready. But everything I say just seems to make it worse. She also told me that she is scared that she would end up messing up the relationship be me giving her to much space to where she could slip and talk to someone else at school. Which really scares me because of how I am wanting to go back and play golf again and would be able to babysit her all that time. I just how so much feelings for her I am not wanting to loose her! <img src="http://www.justanswer.com/tinymce/jscripts/tiny_mce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-frown.gif" border="0" alt="Frown" title="Frown" />
Expert:  Angela replied 4 years ago.
I understand that you don't want to loose her, but you have to realize that she will need to commit to the relationship as much as you have in order for it to work. You even told her that you could move in together next year and she still isn't satisfied because she is being selfish. You have been giving 100% to this relationship and walking around on egg shells around her which you should not have to do. She has only been giving 50% to the relationship and doing whatever she wants. She must give as you have and stop dictating the relationship which is what she has been doing.
Customer: replied 4 years ago.
I am not sure if she has told me this to try and scare me into moving in with her or if she would actually do this. She said that once she starts school she will be having lots of guys trying to talk to her and that they could be big muscular guys that are on the football team that will try to get her. She said she feels like she needs me there to monitor her so she doesn't do anything thing. I am just nervous she will do something now that she told me that something could happen if I'm not there to watch her.
Expert:  Angela replied 4 years ago.
Yes but you can only control her actions and she is fully capable of controlling her actions, regardless of what she says. Either she wants to be in a committed relationship with you or she does not want to be. She needs to be honest and mature with you. If she wants the relationship to work it can.
Customer: replied 4 years ago.
Yeah that is how I felt about it when she told me. Now not only do I have the issues with her but my family is now causing problems between her and I. I am a big mamma's boy and family man but being with my girlfriend I been spending a lot of time with her and very little with them like we used too. Yes I miss those time when we would go hang out and do stuff as a family but I also realize that I am growing up I am about to be a junior in college. I have been trying to make everyone happy but it is like once I get one person to be happy for a day someone else that I am really close to is really upset at me. I am just getting so stressed out about everything that I know it has been one of the reasons I did really bad in school this past semester. I am just lost in everything and it just feels like I am digging a hole and everyday it gets about 10 feet deeper and there is no way out.
Expert:  Angela replied 4 years ago.
I understand, but based on all that we have written about from the beginning to now, there is nothing more that you can do in addition to all of the suggestions that I made.
Customer: replied 4 years ago.
Okay thank you so much for the help!
Expert:  Angela replied 4 years ago.
Your welcome! Take care.
Expert:  Angela replied 4 years ago.
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