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Angela
Angela, Counselor
Category: Relationship
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Experience:  n/a
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My boyfriend broke it off and I dont understand why.

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My boyfriend and I were together for almost 5 years. We had a really perfect relationship, one that everyone we knew said they were looking for in their own lives. He's always said I was the one and all of last year he kept saying he couldn't wait to marry me. Mind you, I was heavier last year and had been laid off but he still loved me through and through. That was the kind of relationship we had -- real life unconditional love. On new years eve, he kissed me and said this was "our year." We both had so much hope. When we both started wonderful new jobs within the first 35 days of the year, it seemed like everything was falling into place. He'd been wanting to move in together for a while but I didn't want to unless we were engaged. Then I finally agreed on the condition that we'd be getting engaged not long after moving in together. He agreed. I should say here that I starting putting a ridiculous amount of engagement pressure on him... daily. Then right as we were about to start looking at apartments, he broke up with me, saying he wasn't happy. I'm completely blindsided and have no idea what happened. He is the love of my life and I am certain I am the love of his. This break up has everyone (our friends, both our families) baffled and distraught. I am staying strong but in my gut I feel like it isn't over. I didn't buy anything he was saying as he was breaking up with me, it seemed like he'd built this massive wall and felt nothing at all... like an alien had invaded his body. I feel crazy for believing it isn't over! Any advice would be appreciated.
Submitted: 4 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Angela replied 4 years ago.
Hello my name is Angela.
I am more than happy to assist you with your questions by giving you my honest and respectful opinion.

The break up could have been a result of him feeling overwhelmed. The two of you began living together which requires an adjustment period for both of you as you each needed time to get use to living together. Then the additional pressure to get engage probably added even more stress and at that point he could have been so overwhelmed that he was no longer happy. He also could have been afraid that his current state of unhappiness was a sign of things to come if he continued living with you and this could have contributed to him ending the relationship. I would try to schedule a time to speak to him when the two of you can sit down and talk without being disturbed (-for example, maybe go to a park). Start the conversation by telling him how much you love him and ask him to share with you once again the reasons why he is no longer happy and discuss them. Discuss together ways to compromise and work through the reasons which he tells you and ask if he would be willing to give the relationship another try.
Angela, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 681
Experience: n/a
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Customer: replied 4 years ago.
Hi Angela -
Thanks for your feedback. The break up happened the week before we were going to go look at apartments to move in together so we weren't actually living together yet. Just wanted to be accurate. Also, right now we aren't speaking because distance makes it easier to cope with such a big loss. As he was breaking up with me it felt like he was a stranger - cold, detached, distant, uncaring. I didn't recognize him.
Thanks,
Dea

Expert:  Angela replied 4 years ago.
Hopefully, in time he will speak to you again and then you could try having the conversation in the manner I described previously. In the meantime, I would suggest:

1. Get a positive support system in place for yourself which includes loved ones and friends you can trust and share this extremely painful experience with and who will also help you through it.

2. You are dealing with a major life changing situation of having your relationship end so if possible, I recommend going to see a therapist, counselor, etc., in person on a weekly basis to help you deal with this major life changing event (-especially the guilt, hurt, confusion, frustration, anger, etc. that you naturally feel). If you are religious, your place of worship may have free counseling available (-many churches have free counseling).

3. Also, many support groups are free. Search the internet by your city and state for possible support groups in your area comprised of other people who are dealing with their relationships ending and go get emotional support from them.

4. Write down how you feel in a journal. Then close out each writing session by meditating: close your eyes, breathe in deeply and exhale. At the same time think of something peaceful. For example: a bright blue ocean with deep rich blue waves gently whispering against the beach. Meditating will help you through this difficult time and it will also help you to heal. It will take some time, but you will get through this very painful and difficult time if you do the above steps.

Customer: replied 4 years ago.
So do you think I should accept it as over or does it seem temporary? Could he have fallen out of love with me in such a short amount of time or did the overwhelming thoughts of marriage and pressure that made him freak out?
Expert:  Angela replied 4 years ago.
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