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Jennifer
Jennifer, School Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 397
Experience:  Extensive experience fostering family relationships through consultation / counseling.
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How do I know when to let her go My wife and I have been seperated

Resolved Question:

How do I know when to let her go? My wife and I have been seperated for several months. We have had limited contact. Recently we got together for dinner and ended up in bed. We agreed that we would take baby steps toward reconciliation. I have never stopped loving my wife, and I've been getting mixed messages for many months. I love her, but I don't know what to do.
Submitted: 6 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Jennifer replied 6 years ago.
Hello and thanks for using Justanswer.com!

I'd suggest you bring this discussion to your next counseling session so that she can be a part of it. It sounds like you're trying to reconcile, but I don't know how long you've been going to counseling or how successful that has been for you. Here are some questions to consider in your next session together (I suggest you do this in counseling so that your counselor might help to facilitate the discussion):

What have we tried so far to make this work?
What else could we try?
How will we know if any of our steps to mend this relationship are working?
Has any of it worked so far?
Is it worth it to both of us to continue to work toward reconciliation?

I think it would be helpful for you not only to share your thoughts on these questions, but also to hear what she has to say. You may be able to brainstorm some new ideas about how to repair your marriage, or you may come to a consensus that the signs you need to show that your efforts are working are simply not happening. The fact that you love her, though, tells me that this is worth addressing together to see if there is hope for the two of you. I wish you the best of luck!
Customer: replied 6 years ago.
Jennifer thanks for your reply. I didn't do a good enough job explaining my position. We haven't been to counselling in months. We are living at a distance she in Baltimore, and I in SC. It has only been a few months and I have taken steps to improve myself (lost 70 lbs, started seeing a counselor individually) but I am at a loss. As I mentioned we had recently been intimate, and things seemed to be heading in a reconciliatory direction. That was two weeks ago, and last night we spoke and some activity on our joint checking account aggravated her and we were right back to square one. I just don't know what to do.
Expert:  Jennifer replied 6 years ago.
It's unfortunate you can't continue counseling... I do think that would be the most effective place for you to try to work together on improving your relationship. Do you visit each other regularly? Would it be possible to return to counseling?

Also, think about what you said about the steps you're taking to focus on self-improvement... You're not back at square one if you're spending some time on personal growth now (counseling, health) while also working toward mending the relationship. That kind of growth is important and will make you better able to face the problems that you have as a couple.
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