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Jennifer
Jennifer, School Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 397
Experience:  Extensive experience fostering family relationships through consultation / counseling.
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My husbands daughter is getting married in June and he just

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My husbands daughter is getting married in June and he just found out that I am not invited yesterday. There has been an ongoing strain in my relationship with his girls and do not know the reason why. We went to therapy last year but nothing was resolved. I cannot put this behind me. It has strained my relationship with my husband to a point that I am considering ending the marriage. I feel like I am constantly being mentally abused and not supported by my husband. I understand that he is in the middle which is not a good place to be but he has had the past two years to try to confront the girls and settle whatever the problem is. The wedding is a Friday night and the day before our anniversary in which we will be married 6 yrs. What do you suggest?
Submitted: 4 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Jennifer replied 4 years ago.
Hello and thanks for using Justanswer.com!

I'm sorry to hear about this situation. It sounds very stressful and I can only imagine the strain it puts on your marriage. It's not unreasonable for you to ask your husband to stand beside you on this issue and support you. Ultimately, he is a parent and it is disrespectful of his daughters to treat him in this way by not inviting his wife to such an important event. It's his daughter's wedding, so of course he'll need to be there. However, it's an important occasion that he should want to share with his wife. Perhaps you can suggest he discuss this point with them?

At the end of the day, it is her wedding. You can't go uninvited, of course, but you can hope that she'll change her mind. If she doesn't, send a gift with a brief note of congratulations and a request to meet for lunch upon return from her honeymoon. Don't explain why in the note -- A wedding gift / note isn't the place for it. When she returns, extend the invitation again and explain that "this new chapter of your life should be filled with happiness, not family tension." My hope is that she'll be open to mending the relationship between the two of you -- for you, her, and her father's happiness as well.
Customer: replied 4 years ago.
My husband already spoke with her and I am not invited. Do I have a right to expect him to stand by me in some way like go to rehersal at the church but not go to the dinner that follows or go to the reception but leave after the father daughter dance etc. Unfortunately the next day is our anniversary. I am going to plan to go away somewhere for the weekend since I am not going now. This will mean not being with my husband. Truthfully at this point if he does not in some way support me I believe I will not want to spend the weekend with him. At this point I think that I am beyond the point of being the one to try to mend this. We have gone the route of therapy etc. and he has exposed himself to the girls more that I think he should have had to do as a father and still do not get anywhere with them. I see that as a lack of respect for him also, especially when they say they are going to do something and then never do.
Expert:  Jennifer replied 4 years ago.
I can see what you're saying, but your going to the rehearsal or reception wouldn't demonstrate his standing by your side. It would only cause additional tension as you'd be crashing a wedding you're not invited to. If he wants to show them you're a team, perhaps he could tell his daughter he will be at the wedding (it would be a terrible thing for a father to miss his daughter's wedding), but not the other events. Is that something he may be willing to do? He could explain that because it's also your anniversary weekend, he needs to respect his time with you. As difficult as it is, I wouldn't suggest missing your anniversary with your husband. Explain to him how important that day is to you and that although you're feeling very hurt by the wedding, you want to be there for him. My hope is that he'll want to do the same for you. Again, I'm very sorry you're experiencing this kind of family stress. It sounds like this relationship is at a point where it may take a lot to mend. It won't happen, of course, if none of you (including his daughters) are willing to put forth that effort. Perhaps after some time has passed you might be willing to extend that invitation once again.
Customer: replied 4 years ago.
No you miss understood, I said not for me to go to any of these events the rehersal dinner or the wedding but for him to go just to the church for rehersal but not to the dinner that follows and then go to the church to walk her and the reception and stay till the father daughter dance and then leave.
Expert:  Jennifer replied 4 years ago.
I see... Yes, I think that would be a reasonable request, but one that he would have to feel comfortable with as well (so as not to bring more tension to your relationship). Speak with him about whether this is a compromise he'd be willing to make and why this is important to you (the message it sends about standing beside his wife).
Customer: replied 4 years ago.
Thank you for your help. I guess there is really nothing that can be done about this at this point it is up to my husband to make his own decisions. I cannot get beyond this since this has been an issue for approximately 4 yrs. (minimal-saw it coming but overlooked alot) but an extreme problem 2 1/2 yrs. ago beginning with my fathers death and the lack of acknowledgement and then the first wedding. ... I guess that I feel that he has had enough time within the past few years to deal with this. It was not an issue of it turning out favorable but that it was addressed and settled which ever way it went. I feel that he just swept it under the rug and now is scrambling because the wedding is approaching. I know that I cannot get beyond this because the several times I have tried and almost there something else happens to set me back. If he was not a great man in other ways I would be walking already but because he has so many other qualities I am reluctant.....but on the other hand how great can he be if he doesn't support me on this. I would never allow my children to disrespect him and if they did I would surely let them know in ways of my behavior. ... not call etc. I would speak with them if they called me etc. but not go out of my way.
Expert:  Jennifer replied 4 years ago.
I agree there's been plenty of time for the two of you to come up with a solution that doesn't leave you feeling this way. It puts him in an awkward place, but it sounds like you don't believe he's put forth the kind of effort he should have. Have you told him all of your feelings on this? I know you mentioned that you've been in counseling before -- I assume that was family counseling with his daughters? What about couples counseling? That would be an effective place to put all of this on the table and get some guided solution-focused discussions under way. I think it's very easy for us to say we'd never do what he's doing (I feel the same way), but I wonder if it would be different if we were actually in his position. Something to consider... I do hope all of this finds some resolution for the sake of your feelings and your relationship with your husband.
Customer: replied 4 years ago.
Actually I have been in this situation with my daughter when I was married before. I was invited and my husband, her stepfather was not invited. I made the decision not to go and stood by my husband. She did not change her mind and neither did I. (my first husband passed away-her father). It was really hard for me but now that this is happening and she is watching it happen she tells me that she perfectly understands and that I was right in what I did. She became good friends with the stepfather that she did not invite eventually. It is to bad though that we got divorced after all of that. So I do no what I would do in this situation. My current husband tells me how wrong I was to do that. He did not go to her college graduation party (the daughter getting married now) because I was not invited and tells me now that that was so wrong for him to do...that he should never have done that. And yes we were in therapy last year for 6 months him and I over this issue....eventually I suggested that we have a meeting with the girls. Oh there was a meeting with them, dad and the therapist. Once again I was not included. To this day I never had any of my questions answered as to why all of this is happening. No I do not feel that I want to go down that road again...it was a waste of time and money....sad for me to say because I am in the field.
Expert:  Jennifer replied 4 years ago.
You do have some insight as to what this might be like... However, being in the field, you know that your experience with this is different than his (different dynamics, different people, personalities, etc.) It's the same reason we hate when people tell us they know exactly what we're going through when we're grieving a loss -- Perhaps they've lost the same family member, but they still have no idea what we're going through for a variety of reasons. Does that make sense? The decision you made when you were in this position was 100% right... for you. However, it doesn't seem to be the right solution for him. Ideally, you'll be able to find a compromise that meets his need to be there for his daughters during the important events in their lives yet still makes you feel supported when they don't include you. I'm sorry your counseling experience was a waste of time and money -- That does happen sometimes (as with any service). You could try again with a different counselor at some point if you felt the strategies the previous counselor you used weren't effective. I'll admit I don't understand why you weren't included in the family session (??) Or if counseling is not an avenue you want to revisit, a frank discussion with your husband may be in order -- Here's is what I'm feeling and how serious it is. I wonder if he knows that you're weighing his "good points" and wondering if all of this stress is worth it. Would that be an awakening for him?
Jennifer, School Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 397
Experience: Extensive experience fostering family relationships through consultation / counseling.
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