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Angela, Counselor
Category: Relationship
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Experience:  n/a
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I have a friendship that was not good for several years. One incident involved a verb

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I have a friendship that was not good for several years. One incident involved a verbal threat, and though my friend has now apologized and explained, I find it hard to forget. It's finally worked itself out, but now I'm having trouble looking back and justifying staying in it during that time. How can I forgive myself, and accept that I chose to remain in the relationship, and that my friend has apologized? Should I have stayed?
Submitted: 4 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Angela replied 4 years ago.
Hello my name is Angela.
I am more than happy to assist you with your questions by giving you my honest and respectful opinion.

It sounds like you are beating yourself up because at the time of the verbal threat, part of you wanted to end the friendship and part of you wanted to stay in the friendship. As a result, you chose to stay in the friendship and now seem to be second guessing yourself. If you are truly happy in the current state of your friendship and you truly believed your friend meant it when she apologized for the verbal threat and it has not happened again, then it appears that you made the right choice by staying in the friendship especially since true friends offer unconditional love (-using wisdom of course). If the above is all true, then accept your friends apology and I don't see what you have to forgive yourself for, it appears you did everything in a healthy manner. You should always use caution when anyone says something to you that is a verbal threat and based upon what you have written, it appears that you have done just that.
Customer: replied 4 years ago.
I think that the part of me that is second-guessing myself is concerned about backsliding. Now that things are really fun, I'm somewhat surprised and a bit horrified at how uncomfortable I really felt. While my friend did and does have other friends, I have been closest to her, and have felt a little smothered by how important she seemed to feel I was in her life. Again, she understands that now, and understands I need space, but I think I regret not having raised the issue earlier - it was just hard to do so when she had other problems in her life. In a lot of ways, our friendship didn't feel like a two way street; while she needed a rock, I've always been very self-supporting. I've always KNOWN that I could talk to her about veritably everything, and we usually chat online at least once a day or so; but sometimes I've felt like I have to talk to her so she has someone to lean on, not necessarily because I wanted to. I think that part of me is disappointed in myself that I didn't speak up earlier, and stayed in the relationship solely to provide support her. Again, this is different now; but is it normal to have these regrets when I should be moving forward?
Expert:  Angela replied 4 years ago.
What you have described is normal and is a result of doing a healthy self analyzation of your behaviors and of your friend's behavior. Please don't every stop self analyzing in a healthy manner because when you self analyze you discover things that you don't like and you can change them so that they don't repeat in the future. It sounds like you have made her aware of how you feel and as long as she respects that and contributes more to your friendship so that you do not feel drained and like you are the only strong one among the two of you, then it sounds like all will be fine. Actually, you are moving forward by acknowledging the things you do not like about this relationship and as a result changing them which is the positive result of self analyzation.
Angela, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 681
Experience: n/a
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