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Angela, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 681
Experience:  n/a
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Please can you help...The relationship with my wife of 28 years

Resolved Question:

Please can you help...The relationship with my wife of 28 years is becoming increasingly difficult. She does not display affection, romance or passion. We have not made love for 12 years. This has been a difficult area for use both from the day of our marriage but I am becoming more desparate and fear for my own mental health as I find myself close to tears a lot of the time. We have tried counselling (6 all told plus 1 hypnotist!) I am sure there must be someone who can help us. She lacks any libido and finds caressing and foreplay irritating at best.
Submitted: 7 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Angela replied 7 years ago.
Hello my name is Angela.
I am more than happy to assist you with your questions by giving you my honest and respectful opinion.

Based on what you have written, have you specifically tried a reputable sex therapist? There is a big difference between a person who specifically and solely focuses on sex therapy versus professionals who do not focus solely on sex therapy. Therefore, I would recommend seeing a reputable sex therapist asap. Also, discuss with your wife her preference for a male or female sex therapist. You can perform an internet search for a sex therapist in the city and town you live in for the UK and then check out several and decide with your wife which one you would like to go to. Also, here is a link to a reputable sex therapist in the U.S.A. I have provided this link because the Dr. Berman provides free information on her website on various issues pertaining to sex therapy. Click here.
Customer: replied 7 years ago.

Hello Angela,


Thank you for your reply. I feel the key challenge is that my wife has no desire to 'fix' the problem. So in essence we have 2 challenges 1) Total lack of libido 2) Lack of desire to address the lack of libido. This makes it very difficult to progress. All the counsellors we have approached have been my idea, all the books and online help have come from me. My wife simply wants to be accepted for how she is. My personal opinion is that she would find more happiness and joy in our relationship if we experienced affection, romance and passion. In other words I feel that what she states is her 'normal' self, is actually inhibiting her capacity for joy and happiness.


Am I wrong to think that? Should I be looking for ways of accepting her for who she is rather than encouraging change?



Expert:  Angela replied 7 years ago.
No you are not wrong to think that, you are simply human. It is important to accept her for who she is, however, it is also important for her to compromise with you so that you can also have some type of sexual fulfillment from your marriage. It takes two to make a marriage work and it takes two to compromise so that the marriage can work. I think if you could convince her to give a sex therapist a chance that just maybe things could improve in your sex life because the above problems you have written about are 100% in the area of what sex therapists deal with and address in relationships. I think that you should bring the subject up to her at a time when the two of you will be undisturbed and can talk in a peaceful environment (-for example: a nice day at a park). When you bring the subject up begin by telling her how much you love her and respect her and how you desire for both of you to feel happy and fulfilled in your marriage. From there discuss with her the option of going to a sex therapist and be sure that she knows you want her to choose the sex therapist that you go to (-hopefully this will also make her a bit more interested in the idea) and fully discuss this possibility with her.
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