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Dr Rossi
Dr Rossi, Licensed Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 4627
Experience:  Certified Hypnotherapist, Author, 13+years of experience.
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My daughter commited suicide 6 months before my husband left

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My daughter commited suicide 6 months before my husband left me and filed for divorce. My family is shattered. I'm left alone now with my pets, and am being forced to sell the house. It's taking all my liquid assets to buy the house and more to move and put up a fence. I'm scared. The divorce is not final yet, I'm trying to lose weight, too, so I'll be more attractive. I'm 52 and I've never lived on my own. My husband always handled all the bills, and now after 30 years, he's divorcing me. I've been nearly suicidal the last few weeks. I don't know how to cope. I want to run away to Montana (I live in Illinios) so I can avoid the humiliation of being divorced after so many years. My husband has a very negative opinion of me. He thinks I have to have everything my way. Over the years I've changed, but he doesn't see it. What can I do that might show him I've changed? How do I cope with all the changes in my life? I feel like he's cast me aside because I'm not in as good physical shape as he. I've got restless leg syndrome, and have just been approved for disability. I can't sit in a chair for 8 hours a day anymore. I used to work at home as a claims processor. Is there anything I can do to save my marriage?
Submitted: 4 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dr Rossi replied 4 years ago.

Good Morning,

 

You do have a lot on your plate. Changes are gradual (you will want to get better for your own sake- not to prove something to him or anyone else.) You have not mentioned if you have received any professional help for the depression, bereavement and situational changes that you're dealing with. That may be a very good first step to take. If your work provides you with EAP sessions, you may use some free consultation as a start. Depression is also manageable with medication (so you would want to use all of the options available to you to start getting better)

 

Some things to come to terms with are- you can not change someone or their opinion of you including his and that of your neighbors (you shared that you want to move away. Running from the issue may not necessarily make you feel better deep down inside) Do not see yourself in a negative light as a failure. It takes two people to make a marriage work (you and him) Try not to blame yourself. You are in control only of your self.

 

You're doing some positive things for you- trying to lose weight. Make a list of what you would like to accomplish and focus on that. You can also access an on line support group. Become proactive in getting better and focus on you. After all of these things you have had to deal with, it is your turn to feel better and try to make it. Surround yourself with positive/uplifting and supportive individuals. You matter as much as anyone else. Give yourself that chance.

Customer: replied 4 years ago.
I've been seeing a psychiatrist and am on Wellbutrin, Cymbalta, and Xanax. I still can't stop crying. I just don't think I can face the end of our 30 year marriage.

I recently went back to our church on a day I knew he wouldn't be there. I still want my husband back and I was told by our pastor to leave him alone for six months back when this started, then come back and let him see that there's no reason to fear me. He left because he couldn't cope with my emotions. I know I can't control him, but there must be something I can do that will help change his mind. Something I can do for myself.

I'm buying a house in the town I live in, the court has ordered that the house be sold because I can't afford to buy him out. My lawyer told me the best outcome I can hope for in the divorce is half of everything, including half his income for permanent support.

I'm don't know how to move on. I don't want to see other men. I can't stop hoping he'll change his mind someday. I want to run away to montana so I can avoid the divorce. I don't want to give a deposition, the trial date has been postponed twice already. My brother tells me to let the divorce go through and then work on the relationship with my husband if I want to. I'm afraid that will be too late.

He left me with the house to take care of, and it seems all he wants from the house is our photograpghs from over the years. I don't want to give them to him, but maybe if I do it will remind him of the good times? Is it possible that giving him the photos will help change his mind?
Expert:  Dr Rossi replied 4 years ago.

There is nothing that another person can do to change someone else.

 

If the two of you had never had couple's therapy, that may be something useful (but it seems that he is at the point of following through with the divorce)

 

Medication alone will not change your feelings, expectations or thoughts. Therapy is what needs to be utilized (that is up to you) You have many issues going on (not sure if you were hoping for an on line intervention- These issues will take time and energy and your effort to resolve/work on.

 



Edited by Dr Rossi on 4/12/2010 at 5:30 PM EST
Dr Rossi, Licensed Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 4627
Experience: Certified Hypnotherapist, Author, 13+years of experience.
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