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Angela
Angela, Counselor
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when porn starts to affect a 7 year relationship

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I am not sure how to put all this, and I feel utterly stupid for being here asking this, I have been in a secure and happy relationship for 7 years I am 30female my husband is 40male, we have always had a great sexual relationship with both of us very open to everything. I am the furthest away person to ever judge anything sexually as I have been with women, used just about every sex toy on the market and tried everything (just about sexually) Plus purchased porn and toys for both me my partner and for both so I know this can not be the problem. I also wish to add as you read below you may get confused at me being upset about the porn etc when I am not offended by it, I am only upset at this point because our sex like is suffering badly. So its at the point it is annoying and upsetting me.

Okay to get to the problem. The last 5 months the makeup of our sexual relationship has changed and its killing me so I beg of you to please try to give me some answers to this as I cant seem to find any myself and it is killing me

For the past 5 months it seems my husband just cant get there unless it involves a blow job or fingers in my mouth while having sex it is now at the point it is becoming a problem our foreplay he is now seeming avoiding doing anything he knows I really like, and when we do start having sex it does not matter if I am close to having an orgasm or how much I am enjoying it the end result is either fingers jammed in my mouth or my whole head etc pushed down to give him a blowjob.

He is now secretive about when he watches porn ie no longer watched the dvds on tv its now secretive on the computer EVERYday and again its all about blowjobs. (I only know this as I use his computer every afternoon for my job he knows this so I check his history everyday (he does not know enough about computers to know there is a history) I have not mentioned I know (so far approx 5 months) his computer crashed from a virus he stated it must have been me (it wasn't me and the viruses without a doubt came from all his porn sites) but his response to it crashing was I don't use the internet so I crashed his computer) so the result from this is the trust just went out the window, in my opinion if he can lie about something so simple knowing I have bought him a tonne of porn and have nothing againsed it then what else is he capable of lying about.,
For two days after his computer was fixed he didn't look at porn so I though but I looked at the history on his phone and he is also using that to access porn sites and day three back to downloading it on the computer knowing damn well he may crash it again (and it's a work computer)

Also little things noted are him going on about wanting to muscle up again ie start doing weights again, and working out, plus he has written in his diary a tip on how to whiten his teeth and the fact he hates it when I go away and I am going away next moth and he isn't worried probably not linked and yes probably silly but I added them in.

So I am at the point of please help what the hec is going on with my relationship and can you offer any advice on the above info? ASAP
Submitted: 4 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Angela replied 4 years ago.
Hello,
It sounds as if the porn has become an addiction to him which could be why he is hiding the excessive use of it from you. When porn becomes an addition, it does not matter how much porn he may already have (-such as all the porn you have bought him) the person wants more and more because it is an addiction. At the same time, he wouldn't want you to know that it has become an addiction and therefore, hides it from you. I think its great that you have tried to resolve this by witholding certain sexual acts and so forth, however, this is a situation that requires face to face discussion with your husband if it is ever going to be resolved. I would recommend scheduling a time when the two of you can talk in an undisturbed manner and discuss with him the obvious changes you have shared above in your sex life (-you dont' have to voluntarilly tell him that you have been checking behind him on the computer etc., but if he should ask, I think you should be honest with him. Honesty is important when trying to solve any problem in a marriage). Also, ask him any and all questions that you have during this discussion. He may try to avoid discussing these issues with you, however, don't let him. With a calm and loving tone, tell him you love him and you both need to discuss these issues so that you can both work through them together in order for you both to feel fullfilled and satisfied in your marriage. I would recommend discussing these issues with him before you go away, even if the discussion does not fully end to your satisfaction, at least you would have begun it and then you can bring it up at a later time and continue if needed.
Customer: replied 4 years ago.

thank you angela for your quick response, i hope this is okay just to try to clarify a couple of things. I

 

f this is an addiction (and i think you are right on that because thats the term i had my suspicions it was) is it possible to break it?

 

i dont unserstand how an additicon to porn can result in him not being able to achieve an orgasm without involving something that simulates a bj or by actually giving a bj. and i dont understand how it can result in him being less sexually active without these things being involved , i would have thought it would result in the opposite of desiring more sexual activity ? can you shed any light on this?

 

thanks angela.

Expert:  Angela replied 4 years ago.
Hello,
Yes it is possible to overcome the addiction, however, he must be willing to first admit that it is a problem in order for him to be able to overcome it. Also, addictions can affect people in many different ways, there is no one way that addictions affect each and every person. However, the most common ways that porn addiction affects people is by negatively effecting their sex life with their partner or by severely increasing their sex life with their partner. In this case it sounds like it has negatively effected your sex life together. Here is an article you can read to further discuss the effects of porn addiction, such as no longer wanting to have sex, click here:
Angela, Counselor
Category: Relationship
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Experience: n/a
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