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Angela, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 681
Experience:  n/a
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why when my partner and I love each other and are convinced

Customer Question

why when my partner and I love each other and are convinced that we are together for life is he so unsettled since moving into my house on 5/2/10. He says that it's possibly because he has moved out of the area that he has lived in for a long time and doesn't deal with change easily. He has only moved about 10 miles from where he used to live. He loves tthe house and the location but says that he just can't settle. It's causing much soul searching and sleepless nights.
Submitted: 6 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Angela replied 6 years ago.
Hello Susan,
Based on what you have written, something is being left out as to why your partner is so uncomfortable. You wrote 5/2/10- is this when he is moving in or did you mean he's been living there since 5/2/09? Also, what it could be is that he is not comfortable with no longer having his own home if he has been living with you since 5/2/09 because having one's own home can effect a person differently (- for ex: such as having a greater sense of freedom) than having to share a home. He needs to be honest with you and tell you what the real concern is because you have done more than enough with relaxing baths, warm drinks, and etc., he needs to simply be honest with you so that you can both discuss the real issues and work through them.
Customer: replied 6 years ago.

My partner moved in with me on 2nd Feb this year 2010 and said that he didn't expect to feel unsettled at all.

These feelings started a few weeks after he moved in.

He previously rented a flat that he disliked and said that he didn't feel happy untill he met me with his life.

He also says that he knows that if he has to move out he will lose me and that he dosn't want his old life back.

Apart from this issue we are both incredibly happy but this is like a large black cloud hanging over us. So this is why we are both confused as to why he should feel unsettled now.

Expert:  Angela replied 6 years ago.
Hello Susan,
It sounds as if he may be somewhat struggling between the life he had before he met you and the one that he has now that he has met you, especially since he knows that he will lose you if he moves out. He also says that he doesn't want his old life back which is good, but it also sounds like he has been thinking about how things were before he me you. If this is the case, he could just be reminiscing about his previous life without you while being very glad that he now has you in his life. However, I don't think that he really doesn't know why he feels unsettled, he does know and needs to be honest with you. Does he just miss his old life and freedom of living alone? Does he miss the old block and neighbors he had previously? Since it has only been approximately 2 months that you have been living together, does he need more time to adjust? Would allowing him to help re-arrange your house make him feel more apart of living there? These are questions that he knows the answers to and he needs to be honest with you. Sometimes partners can feel afraid to tell one another the truth for whatever reason, however, he needs to be honest with you and discuss the issues with you so that you can both work through them in a way that makes you both feel satisfied and happy. Also, if this is the first time that he has ever shared a house with a partner, then more than likely this could be the sole reason as to why he is feeling unsettled and this would also be a major accomplishment in his life which would require more time for him to adjust.

Edited by Angela (M. A. in Community Psy.) on 4/7/2010 at 4:21 PM EST

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