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Angela, Counselor
Category: Relationship
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my boyfriend (paul) of 10 years ran in to an old female school

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my boyfriend (paul) of 10 years ran in to an old female school friend (cheryl) they swapped phone numbers and kept in touch, they started seeing more and more of each other he refused to let me meet her, and deleted all txts they had sent to each other, after a few weeks he decided that he didnt know if he wanted to be with me anymore, he never moved out but we stopped kissing and cuddling and having sex, I found out she was going though a break up with her boyfriend, and that paul and her were spending every eveing together alone, After many rows beteen us, he ended his friendship with her after 3 months and asked if we could work things out, I agreed that we could try if there was no contact beteen them. I believe she moved away.
Over a year as pasted and i believed we were past it all, till just over a week ago when i ran in to her a the local supermarket, I keep this to my self and didnt tell paul that i had seen her, a few days later out of the blue paul said we need to talk and told me he thinks he is still in love with her, This was completly out of the blue and we hadnt spoke about her in over 9 months, He says he still loves me and wants us to be together and to forget about the past, when he told me he was in love with her he was sobbing and wouldnt let me touch him and said that he will never really be happy till he knows if she loved him, He has always told me that they never had sex, im just left so confussed i dont know if he loves, i worry every time he goes out that he will run in to her, I would like to believe that its me that he loves and wants to be with im just so unsure.
I am sorry for this difficult and confusing time you are going through. Based upon what you have written, it appears that he has not been fully honest with you or fully available to you as he should have been. It seems as if he has been flip flopping back and forth with you which led to him sobbing and telling you he needs to know if she still loves him and etc. I would recommend considering the possibility of taking some time and space from him until he can be fully honest with you and focus his energies fully on your relationship. Otherwise, you will just be hurt again by his behavior; as you wrote you thought everything was in the past and 9 months have passed and then this situation with the ex surfaced again. You deserve to have him be fully honest and fully available to you. You should not have to feel afraid or concerned that he can't be trusted, this is not fair to you and you have been patient with him. He needs to be fully honest with you and about what he wants.
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