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Anna
Anna, Social Worker
Category: Relationship
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Experience:  29 years experience in addictions & mental health. I'll tell you my honest opinion.
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My BF of 5yrs, loyal & live tog. We met older div man who tells

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My BF of 5yrs, loyal & live tog. We met older div man who tells us, who he dated last nite, how they did it same nite met, how she looks, do we want 2 see her photo & she wants him so bad. Man does this when I'm there & when alone w/BF. My BF thinks it can't all be true. Man's creeping into ur lives by wkg on BF projects. He's flirted & put hand on my waist;BF not looking. Man flings loose lifestyle in our faces, yet acts nice 2 me. Feel man is insulting me. HasXXXXXI can flip this around & say smthing 2 my BF so he can keep dist from guy, B4 it does interfere w/us. Women are a dime a dozen 2 him, betw lines sounds like if any man was single, they could jump on his parade. There's a delicate way 2 do this, don't want 2 make my BF(who is very indep)feel I'm saying he can't see guy.What I'm asking for is advice how 2 frame this, even if takes a few talks, so this man becomes someone we look at w/shame & embarrassment, rather than puffed up bravado pretends 2 be.Thk you for ur ideas.
Submitted: 4 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Anna replied 4 years ago.


Hey writer,

I would frame it from your perspective: not talking about the man's juvenile idiocy, but how you feel when he says things. It takes any argument or control out of the picture. I'd start putting these type of lines into your dialog and just letting them stay on the table....don't get into it much further and only talk about how you feel in response to the guy. Men don't like women to make judgments for them, so let him come to his own conclusions.


  • When X talks about his escapades, I feel creepy.
  • I had no clue that grown men still talk like that about women....I feel like a peeper when he talks like that...like I'm in his date or something....TMI! (too much information)
  • I listen to him and wonder if he can hear what he's saying about himself?
  • The other day his hand grazed my waist and I got a really odd feeling.

This guy is insulting you, and he certainly is testing your boundaries. He's going to try another move on you soon.....I just bet he will. When he does, make a noise like he startled you and bring attention to it. I also suspect that he's trying to groom you into being sexual with him and is getting off on telling you about it.

My best to you.

Thanks!

Anna


Customer: replied 4 years ago.
For Anna, Great suggestions - Thank you I will try them. There's more that I need help with. We saw the man again last night. He's in good shape, hard to believe he's 60. He is a millionaire and putting $ into my BF's company. That's how this is continuing. The man invited my BF to a club to meet his male business assoc. I can go, too. I think each step here sounds innocent, but I know how he talks about women. My BF's contact with him feels like the man could try to encourage my BF into something even more uncomfortable, if I don't do something. This man makes suggestions to us last night like, boy do I know how to party. Like we are missing out, or should go along. My BF is conservative, but the constant barrage of enticements from this man is really disgusting. 1) I am wondering if there is anything I can say to this man directly? That I love my BF and this feels uncomfortable; 2) Also, My BF & I found an office and it turns out it is right near this guy's Mom's house. This man goes there 1x week to visit and she cooks. Already she has handed my BF cookies when he is there. I bet this man is going to invite my BF to his Mom's house for lunch, too. This man is wealthy, but seems has to keep calling my BF, like he has no other friends. Is there no way to separate them? (...tactfully, thoughtfully, something I can say to my BF so we are not with this man every day.) Given the biz $ promised, & my BF needs it, so he acts more into the guy than normal to keep him interested. That is what is such a shame, because since he may put more $ in, my BF takes all his calls. So, it would help so much to know about 1 & 2 above. What can I say to my BF so that we can go on about our nice life, & now with the new office is so close, he is not then having to spend even more time with this lech? Your words are so helpful, I like to see about talking to you in future.
Expert:  Anna replied 4 years ago.


You're welcome.

This guy is playing you and your BF. He knows exactly why you're putting up with him, and he knows how to entice people with money to engage in sexual situations that they wouldn't otherwise. Don't kid yourself or you'll be like his other victims. One minute you're on a pedestal, and the moment he owns you, you're below his foot. The same will happen with your BF if he takes his money. I've seen this so many times. Trust me when I tell you that he knows exactly what he's doing. You know why he doesn't have any other friends? Because he's a jerk. He doesn't have girlfriends because he's a goat. He keeps people around by dangling money, and you guys are his victims. It won't matter what you say to him. What matters is for you and your BF to not be split up by this guy.

My best to you.

Thanks!

Anna

Customer: replied 4 years ago.

Dear XXXXX, Thank you so much!

 

You have hit on a few valid points, and fortunately some of what is going on may not be as bad as it seems. I have limited space in these questions. The man is actually doing something constructive on the consulting proposal and we are going to see him today to go over it. The money was invested about a month ago, and now this man has introduced another person to invest. It is in a biotech company and components, which is the area the other person already invests in. Things are seeming more normal, thank goodness, in that respect. Apparently the new investor told my BF and this man in their meeting, that he is tired of and over the club scene, and prefers to spend time with his wife. (Boy, was I glad to hear that he was a family man.) What I want to do is find ways to let my boyfriend know to keep his distance from the man who is part lech/part consultant, since we will be having conversations with him with our new office near where he visits 1x week, and relating to the business. I am definitely going to use the phrases you suggested above. -What I am seeking are things to say so that I can remain thoughtful, not telling my BF what to do, and sound wise.

Expert:  Anna replied 4 years ago.
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29 years experience in addictions & mental health. I'll tell you my honest opinion.