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Angela
Angela, Counselor
Category: Relationship
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my daughter and her husband will have nothing to do with me

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my daughter and her husband will have nothing to do with me and will not let me see the grandchildren. I asked them about loaning my son some money for a downpayment on a house. They went bolistic. I sold my home, gave away my dog, and moved to be close to them. I have been very, very generous with my daughter and gifted over 80 thousand dollars to them. Now they have completely rejected me. I dont know what to do. Nothing was wrong with our relationship until the money issue came up last summer. Shall I just wait??? The word entitlement comes to my mind constantly. My daughter and her husband are NOT hurting for money.
Submitted: 4 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Angela replied 4 years ago.
Hello L,
I am very sorry to read about this painful situation you are going through. Have you been able to sit down and have a conversation with your daughter apart from her husband and preferably outside of her house? If not, I would try to schedule a time that just you and her can talk and share with her what you wrote above (- gifting them the money and etc.) and ask her what happened? What went wrong? Especially, since you sold your home, gave away your dog, and moved close to them, ask her what happen and share with her how hurt you feel do to making such sacrifices for her only to have her reject you.
Customer: replied 4 years ago.

Dear XXXXX,

My daughter will not answer my phonecalls or send thank you notes for the gifts I send to the chidren. I would dearly love to sit down with her alone and talk. I dont think that her husband will let her. I set up a brunch at my h ouse to do this. The husband came and yelled and screamed at me and said he never wanted to see me again unless he had a tape recorder because I get things so mixed up. The truth is I tell the truth and Im not mixed up at all. I am well centered, bright and catch on quickly. I think to make matters worse that my daughter is brain washed. Me getting her alone is difficult because of the verbal abuser husband. My daughter doesnt even know she is brainwashed. Husband calls her 30 times a day. Bombardment. Then he takes her away to their home on the lake. Isolation. Two main brainwashing techniques.

Question: Should I write her??? Will the husband brainwash the grandchildren if I add fuel to his flames. The money flames.

Expert:  Angela replied 4 years ago.
Hello L,
I am sorry that you can't talk to your daughter alone and it sounds as if you have been taking advantage of based upon all you have written thus far, especially since they received the large sum of money and gifts from you and have cut you off. You could try writing her, but if you do, I would not go into anything personal. You could just send a friendly note, for example, inviting her to lunch in a public place (-maybe the husband would not come then or if he does come he may be inclined to act appropriately due to being in public). If you send a friendly note such as the above example, then there would be nothing the husband could use to brainwash the grandchildren with from your note which is why I suggest keep it friendly and don't go into anything personal in it; chances are the husband may get the note first or that your daughter may show it to him. Also, please do not allow her husband in your house based on him yelling and screaming at you; this is highly inappropriate and disrespectful at the very least. Therefore, try to have any contact and meetings in public venues for all of the reasons I suggested above. Also, if you suggest lunch, due to her husband being the way he is, try to pick a public place near her, maybe even one that she can walk to.
Also, I would love for you to go to a support group do to all that you are dealing with, without question it has to be horribly painful. Could you search for one just to see what options are available where you live and then you could decide later if you will actually go. Most support groups are free and you could search for one on the internet by typing in the name of your city and state along with the words support group. See if any are available in your area which would be appropriate for you to attend. I literally have come across support groups for just about everything from a-z in some cities.

Edited by Angela (M. A. in Community Psy.) on 3/7/2010 at 10:14 PM EST
Angela, Counselor
Category: Relationship
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Experience: n/a
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