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Angela
Angela, Counselor
Category: Relationship
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I have been in a crazy relationship for 4 years with the man

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I have been in a crazy relationship for 4 years with the man that I truely love. When I talk about marriage and children to him, (something that he knows is very important to me) he tells me that its not something that he thinks about.

He has a daughter from a previous relationship that is totally out of control, and I have nothing to do with but to listen and see him get frustrated and stressed about. We live together, and I don't know anymore if I will ever get the life that I know I want and deserve from him.

Should I move on and give myself the chance to meet someone that will want the same things as me? I know he loves me, but am just not sure if he is "in love" with me. I need advice, I just don't know what to do anymore.
Submitted: 4 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Angela replied 4 years ago.
Hello Julie,
The fact that he doesn't think about marriage or children is a huge red flag in terms of what you want. However, I think you should sit down with him and have a honest conversation in order to determine if you should move on. During your conversation with him ask him all of the things you want to know so that you can determine if you should move on or stay. For example: He doesn't think about marriage or about having children, however, ask him point blank, would he ever marry you and have children with you? Also, ask him, is he in love with you? Ask him any other questions that you would like to know the answers to. After having a conversation with him including the above questions, you will know whether you should move on or stay. Also, by having a conversation in the manner I described, you would not have to do any guess work or wonder about answers because you would have discussed these issues with him. Since you are in a relationship, you should not have to do any guess work or wonder about questions or answers.
Customer: replied 4 years ago.

I have had the conversations with him, but his answers are always based on our somewhat rocky past...voicing his concern that we have had problems in the past and he seems to think that we are just now starting over. (We have been back together now, after a short one month break, for about 11 months.) He goes back and forth with the conversation about having children, and almost always says things like "I'm not saying that I don't ever want to ..." He just says that it's not something he is focused on right now.

 

I am afraid that I have made his life very comfortable, and I take very good care of him. If I was to give him a timeline on how long I am going to stick around, he would just get angry, but I think I secretly need to do that for myself. Do you think this is a good idea, and if so, are there things that I should be doing differently that might make him realize whether or not he wants to marry me? I know I sound like an idiot, but I don't feel comfortable talking to my loved ones about this.

 

Thanks

Expert:  Angela replied 4 years ago.
Hello Julie,
You don't sound like an idiot at all, relationships are complicated and sometimes we don't want our loved ones in our private business. Based upon what you have written, it sounds like you need a definitive answer and you are entitled to one especially with the amount of time invested in this relationship. Therefore, I think it is a good idea to think about all of the items which you want to have a time line on and list them (-do this when you are alone and will be undisturbed). Next, decide what time line you want for each item you have listed (-for example: 1 months, 3 months, etc.). Then sit him down and discuss your time line with him to see if he is willing to agree with it. During your conversation be sure to remind him that you have been together for 4 years and you love him and now you need a more concrete commitment from him which is why you need to discuss the time line with him (-tell him this in your own words). Discuss your time line with him and see if he will compromise with you and give you a definitive answer/date that you both can agree to. If he does not, then I think it may be time to move on because you have been in this relationship with no definitive dates or even discussion about possible definitive dates for 4 years in spite of him knowing what you want from the relationship.
Angela, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 681
Experience: n/a
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