How JustAnswer Works:

  • Ask an Expert
    Experts are full of valuable knowledge and are ready to help with any question. Credentials confirmed by a Fortune 500 verification firm.
  • Get a Professional Answer
    Via email, text message, or notification as you wait on our site.
    Ask follow up questions if you need to.
  • 100% Satisfaction Guarantee
    Rate the answer you receive.

Ask Angela Your Own Question

Angela, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 681
Experience:  n/a
Type Your Relationship Question Here...
Angela is online now
A new question is answered every 9 seconds

How do you deal with the hurt that comes from a dependent adult

Resolved Question:

How do you deal with the hurt that comes from a dependent adult childs hateful attitude and total withdrawal from the family. My daughter has totally excluded her family from any involvement in her life which I guess in some sense may not be a bad thing since when she is around she is hateful and everyone tip toes on eggshells.....I'm aware I need to cut the strings so to speak and I agree... however somehow I need to understand where the rude hateful disrespectful behavior began....I am by no means perfect but I do feel that I am a kind empathatic caring person or at least make every effort to be....I just don't understand and it is very painful..
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Angela replied 5 years ago.
Hello Donna,
Due to loving your daughter you will naturally feel affected by her behavior towards you, in this sense you cannot stop the hurt because you cannot control her actions. The only way not to feel continual hurt, pain, etc. would be to have her completely out of your life, which more than likely is not going to happen because you love her and she is your daughter. Even if she was out of your immediate daily life (-such as relocating to a different country, etc.) there would still be residual hurt and pain that could occur from your memories. Therefore, the best thing to do is to deal with the hurt and pain in a healthy manner.

You would do this by continuing to talk to her about how you feel and to continue to ask her the questions you would like to have answers to concerning her behavior -do this when you are comfortable with resuming expressing your feelings to her in a calm manner in order for her to have a better chance at actually hearing what you are telling her; however, always take the necessary time you need away from her to heal before resuming conversation with her.

Additionally, when you feel hurt and anger, go to where you can be alone and undisturbed and fully acknowledge what you are feeling (-don't repress it or ignore it). Sit quietly and fully experience your emotions and then from a place of awareness of how you feel (-hurt, angry, etc.), move beyond these emotions to a place of quiet meditation. Meditate about something which brings you peace and as you do so, the hurt, anger, and etc. will eventually subside as you continue to meditate on what is peaceful to you. For example: visualizing gentle ocean waves as the sun bounces over them and imagining the sound of the waves gently reaching the you continue to meditate on this and to be fully present with this meditation, the painful emotions will eventually dissipate.
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Angela, thank you for your response. Realizing I was somewhat vague in my explanation, I would appreciate your additional feedback if possible. Just for a short back ground, my daughter is my only child and WAS the absolute joy of my life. Since she began dating her current boyfriend whom I have met once in the last year and half, she has become beligerent, berating, hateful, angry, very physically destructive and extremely verbally abusive. Nothing ever gets resolved... I just give in and get over the verbal abuse just for the sake of having a relationship with her. I realize she is under allot of pressure from college and works 30 hours a week to be able to financially keep up with her boyfriend's life style. I have tried to support her as much as possible but somehow whatever I do is neither enough nor the right thing..... She shows no appreciation for anything, and at this point I feel like I just take the crumbs off her table in order to keep a relationship with her. Otherwise we go for months at a time without speaking yet she is in constant contact with her father who is out of state and pays nothing for her. We have been divorced since she was 5 due to his adultry. My problem is that my heart is broken and I desperately want a relationship with my daughter but I feel like my only options are to deal with her neglect, lack of concern and verbal abuse or be estranged. Pretty much the same situtation I dealt with when I was married to her father. Fight or flight....I don't mean to sound like such a victim but I am so sad. And as far as talking to her as you suggested... there is NO good time to talk to her... everything with her is a debate in which she either down talks or verbally berates you to the point of sobs.... It's either agree with her, tiptoe around her emotions or she storms out, slamming things and drives off like a mainac..and you don't hear from her for months and the only way I know if she is dead or alive is by checking the cell phone records I have access to because I pay the bill... which I would quit however that is the only way I have of knowing if she is dead or alive... ....Sorry I didn't mean to drag this on so far.......
Expert:  Angela replied 5 years ago.
Hello Donna,
I am very sorry to hear about this situation. Based upon what you have written, it is obvious that your daughter takes you for granted and of course this is not right, however, your daughter takes comfort deep down inside knowing that you will always be there for her especially since you always have been. As a result, she is clearly mistreating you and one of the reasons I think she chooses to do so is because you are a safe and reliable person who has always been there for her. Don't misunderstand what I am saying, her behavior is terrible and disrespectful towards you, however, at the same time she knows that you will always be there for her. As far as her contacting her father, since he was not always there for her, she probably finds it easier to reach out to him as well as knowing that she can't really depend on him but yet wanting his approval. Also, because her father was not there, she probably has issues with males in her life (-bonding with them, expressing her true feelings, etc.) which could be why she is trying to keep up with her boyfriend's lifestyle versus having a honest conversation with him about how she really feels. Also, she could be acting terribly towards you due to possibly blaming you for her father not being there. I have also experienced this type of behavior and issues in my counseling sessions with my clients and their children. With all of this in mind, if there is any way to have your daughter go to therapy with you, this would be the best option to get to the bottom of her behavior and additional reasons as to why she takes it out on you. However, based on what you have written, it seems that if she agreed to go to therapy, that you would have to do so near her due to her busy schedule.
Donna, I understand your concerns, but you will have to stand up for yourself with your daughter because allowing her to make a doormat out of you is harming you emotionally, mentally, and spiritually (-if you believe in spirituality). As you stand up to your daughter, practice doing so in small increments. For example, stop walking on egg shells around her and attempt to speak to her as you normally would. AS soon as she blows up at you, yells at you, etc., immediately (-with a calm voice and in your own words) tell her that you treat her with respect and that you do not disrespect her by blowing up at her, yelling at her, etc., and that you will no longer allow her to do this to you. Tell her it's okay to be angry, upset, etc., but she needs to express it in a respectful way toward you because you love her and are here for her. This is one example of what I mean by standing up for yourself in small increments......and yes she may storm off and leave..........let her because you calmly and lovingly expressed yourself to her and if she chooses not to be respectful to you then she should leave until she can be respectful towards you. You can no longer walk on egg shells around her, the harm you are doing to yourself is not worth it or justifiable. Also, by standing up to her, you will also be true to yourself as a woman and mother and you will be true to your angry daughter by parenting her in spite of her disrespectful behavior.
Angela, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 681
Experience: n/a
Angela and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Expert:  Angela replied 5 years ago.
Hello Donna,
I am not sure if Just Answer offers group rates, however, please click the below link and use the "contact us" button on the left side of the screen and customer service can let you know what options if any are available. Click here

JustAnswer in the News:

Ask-a-doc Web sites: If you've got a quick question, you can try to get an answer from sites that say they have various specialists on hand to give quick answers... seen a spike since October in legal questions from readers about layoffs, unemployment and severance.
Web sites like
...leave nothing to chance.
Traffic on JustAnswer rose 14 percent...and had nearly 400,000 page views in 30 days...inquiries related to stress, high blood pressure, drinking and heart pain jumped 33 percent.
Tory Johnson, GMA Workplace Contributor, discusses work-from-home jobs, such as JustAnswer in which verified Experts answer people’s questions.
I will tell you that...the things you have to go through to be an Expert are quite rigorous.

What Customers are Saying:

  • Wonderful service, prompt, efficient, and accurate. Couldn't have asked for more. I cannot thank you enough for your help. Mary C. Freshfield, Liverpool, UK
< Previous | Next >
  • Wonderful service, prompt, efficient, and accurate. Couldn't have asked for more. I cannot thank you enough for your help. Mary C. Freshfield, Liverpool, UK
  • This expert is wonderful. They truly know what they are talking about, and they actually care about you. They really helped put my nerves at ease. Thank you so much!!!! Alex Los Angeles, CA
  • Thank you for all your help. It is nice to know that this service is here for people like myself, who need answers fast and are not sure who to consult. GP Hesperia, CA
  • I couldn't be more satisfied! This is the site I will always come to when I need a second opinion. Justin Kernersville, NC
  • Just let me say that this encounter has been entirely professional and most helpful. I liked that I could ask additional questions and get answered in a very short turn around. Esther Woodstock, NY
  • Thank you so much for taking your time and knowledge to support my concerns. Not only did you answer my questions, you even took it a step further with replying with more pertinent information I needed to know. Robin Elkton, Maryland
  • He answered my question promptly and gave me accurate, detailed information. If all of your experts are half as good, you have a great thing going here. Diane Dallas, TX

Meet The Experts:

  • Kate McCoy

    Kate McCoy


    Satisfied Customers:

    Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
< Last | Next >
  • Kate McCoy's Avatar

    Kate McCoy


    Satisfied Customers:

    Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
  • Rafael M.T.Therapist's Avatar

    Rafael M.T.Therapist


    Satisfied Customers:

    MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
  • Ms Chase's Avatar

    Ms Chase

    Life Coach

    Satisfied Customers:

    Over 20 yrs experience with Relationships, Sexuality, Friendship, and Family Issues
  • Alicia_MSW's Avatar



    Satisfied Customers:

    Specializing in relationship/family counseling
  • Dr. Norman Brown's Avatar

    Dr. Norman Brown

    Marriage Therapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    Family Therapist & teacher 35+ yrs; PhD research in couples
  • Dr. L's Avatar

    Dr. L


    Satisfied Customers:

    Licensed as a Psychologist and Marriage & Family Therapist.
  • Suzanne's Avatar


    Therapist, LCSW

    Satisfied Customers:

    Experienced in treating trauma, relationship issues, co-dependency