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Jennifer
Jennifer, School Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 397
Experience:  Extensive experience fostering family relationships through consultation / counseling.
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Hi There, i am a 20 year old male and in about June last year

Customer Question

Hi There, i am a 20 year old male and in about June last year i ended up experimenting with a guy after a night out. This turned in to something constant and althoguh we never labelled ourselves boyfriends, we wouls stay at each others place at least 5 nights a week. Only a few friends on either side knew about it and apart from that is was kept secret. About 4 months down the line, one of the friends of his he had told things to started spreading rumours and even told the my boss (i work in a nightclub and the boss has always looked after me) that we were fags and one of his friends was f**king me etc.

The boss confronted me on it and i denied denied, but eventually he found out it was true. My Boss then took it upon himself to make sure the guy was punished i guess for ever having said things like this. So he abused him and banned him etc. Since then we havent spoken (its been 5 months) i miss him so much, ive seen him out but we always avoid each other. what do i do :(
Submitted: 4 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Jennifer replied 4 years ago.
Hello and thanks for using Justanswer.com!

First of all, I'm sorry to hear you've through this. It sounds like a painful ordeal. There's nothing wrong with being in a gay relationship. I wonder why this was kept a secret for so long. Having a relationship without anyone knowing about it is difficult no matter what your preferences are. It sounds as though this friend of his had difficulty accepting his friend and your relationship.

I'm assuming you're talking about the friend who was spreading rumors when you say he was banned from the nightclub. Is that correct? Have you spoken to the guy you had a relationship with since that event? I'd recommend you ask him to meet someplace neutral (daytime, public) to discuss what happened. Explain your feelings about the ordeal and if he seems responsive you could certainly open up about your feelings for him. You'll know based upon his response if he feels the same way. If he doesn't, you'll at least get some closure on the whole thing and know that he's not the right person for you.
Customer: replied 4 years ago.

Thank you so much for that quick response. Some more info first:

Yes it was a Gay relationship, however me nor him were at or probably still aren't at a stage to 'come out' hence why only a few friends knew. Gender is not what im attracted to, girl or guy it does not bother me, its the relationship between me and either a guy or girl that matters to me. As for the guy, i think he spread rumours because the 2 of them were pretty close friends and i dont think he liked the guy i was seeing spending so much time with me.

 

We have plenty of mutual friends and because of this there has been 21st bdays that i beleive he hasnt attended and ones i havent just because it seems like we wont to avoid it. I have been to other nightclubs with mutual friends of ours and he has been there with other mutual friends, and it seems we both just steer clear of each other. I do not have any hate towards him, and even if things werent to go back to how they are i just want to not have an aukward situation due to the high number of mutual friends we have.

 

I dont have a phone number for him anymore as it has changed. But i do have his email address, should i write something to that? Or does that look weak? I dont want it all lovey duby either, i have stared in to a blank screen for hours trying to think what to write.

 

Thank you again, this means a lot to me

Expert:  Jennifer replied 4 years ago.
I'd recommend you e-mail to ask if there's a time / place you could talk (either by phone or in person). E-mail can be so tricky when you're revealing feelings -- The tone is often misinterpreted and you don't want to send a message you didn't intend to send. A brief note that says you hope he's doing well and wondering if he's available to talk for a minute by phone or in person. Tell him you don't have a phone number or else you would have called. He'll respond with what he's comfortable with (phone call or meeting in person) and then you'll have some time to consider what you want to say.

It may be that the two of you decide to remain friends and respect each other when you're celebrating with mutual friends by saying hello. Or you may decide to spend some time together. You'll find out once you re-establish a connection with him through a conversation.
Jennifer, School Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 397
Experience: Extensive experience fostering family relationships through consultation / counseling.
Jennifer and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 4 years ago.

Thanks again, im about to send this email, do you think its ok:

Thank you so much again!

 

 

Hey Mickey,

 

So its been a while now, and it seems like we avoid each other if we are both at the same place. We have a lot of mutual friends, and I see you socially a lot, and hate that it seems awkward. I do apologize for what happened as it was extreme shit for us both.

 

In the months that have progressed, I have come to appreciate many of the things you said about people, that I didn't believe were true. It could be me feeling the awkwardness when we're both around, and I really hope that your willing to have a chat or even maybe a coffee to just clear the air. I hope you will consider that, and I really think it would be beneficial.

 

Let me know what you think

 

Ben

Expert:  Jennifer replied 4 years ago.
I think that sounds perfect. Nicely written, not overly personal and no pressure. I truly hope he accepts the invitation to talk things over.
Jennifer, School Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 397
Experience: Extensive experience fostering family relationships through consultation / counseling.
Jennifer and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 4 years ago.
Hi Jennifer. Can i just say how thankful i am for your advice. i got a response and i have attached it below. So there isnt the hate i thoguht there was, and thank you so so so much for your advice. You have actually made me so happy. :) :) . Ben

hey ben

im sorry i never had the courage to send you a reply to email you sent around christmas time. for the record, i hope you had a good christmas and new year too.

there are so many things id like to take the time and write down properly, and the last 3 days, ive been quite ill and ive missed out on my first days of uni too ( i got into pr! )
so please see this as a note of good gesture, i do plan to address alot of things to you soon. so hold tight for now)
Expert:  Jennifer replied 4 years ago.
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