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Anna, Social Worker
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1945
Experience:  29 years experience in addictions & mental health. I'll tell you my honest opinion.
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My BF of 2 years and I are at a crossroads. We were going to

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My BF of 2 years and I are at a crossroads. He is in therapy and recovery for porn addiction/intimacy. We love each other very much and were going to get engaged soon, but I got mean and drunk and said horrible things- this isn't the first time its happened. I think I there are trust/security issues around his addiction. Understandably, he now wants to break up.. he said he loves me so much but is questioning me in his future. He wants to have children and he does not want to be in a relationship like this- I had broke my promise for it to not happen again. I know this is all my fault. He now doubts everything about us. Again understandably. I know I just have to accept the consequences and move on, but any real solid advice would be helpful. I called a therapist to get in alcohol counseling, because this has never happened to me before I met him and i am scared. I don't know if I should ask him to leave while he figures things out or let him make the decision to leave while i continue to work on myself. Any help to maybe not lose him
Submitted: 6 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Anna replied 6 years ago.

Hey kf,

You can call AA and go to a meeting tonight, starting on the road to don't have to go to treatment, and you can start this before you even see the counselor for the first time. It's a great show of action and backs up your words. AA is for anyone who has a desire to stop drinking, not just for alcoholics.

I would let him decides what he wants to do about where he lives right now, and concentrate on your own problems. If he is serious about his own recovery, he can't be in a relationship with someone getting drunk - it will eventually trigger a relapse in himself.

My best to you.

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Customer: replied 6 years ago.
Thank you. My concern is I do not know, for my own sense of security and happiness- how long I should wait for him to decide. This was brought up on Friday and since then we have been very busy w/ friends and family and have been getting along very well. I worry that if he has these doubts, if it is in my best interest to only wait a length of time before he decides. I want to give him room to breathe and think so i was going to let things ride, as I moved forward with my issues for 10 days. I dont want deadlines, but I wonder how long would be reasonable to expect decsions. At the same time, it amy take him a month or more to see action and his mind may change from today.
Expert:  Anna replied 6 years ago.

You're welcome.

I'd make the deal to take the break up off the table for one month and both of you step back and work on yourself. In a month's time, meet and decide what to do next...even if it's to give each other another month of "live in separation". 10 days is too short in my opinion.

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Customer: replied 6 years ago.

That is a terrific idea. My only concern is that even though I understand the circumstances of this doubt, the level that it was expressed was so deep- marriage, children, future, the one. It was very painful. He is 37 and I am 42, albeit a healthy and athletic one.. so I only have 1-2 years left perhaps. It just cut to the core. I want to retain my condfidence and self esteem. I love him and want to move forward, but to express that level of doubt to your partner- I dont see how that could change. I just dont want to appear pathetic/despearate when I should be moving on. I am a widow and my amazing husband of 13 years died 3 years ago tragically, so I am trying to keep as much strength as possible.. when you ehar that from your partner is slams you to the core.

Expert:  Anna replied 6 years ago.

I hear it slams you to the core, but didn't you slam him to the core also? I really think you should take the break up off the table for a period of time and step back. It sounds like you broke an important promise to him, so you guys are really in the same place in some ways. Don't be so quick to look for the answer in the both need to look at yourselves right now and see what you have to offer each other, and what you want in a partner.

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