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Angela
Angela, Counselor
Category: Relationship
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hi i dont know if this is a question but i need advice. ive

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hi i dont know if this is a question but i need advice. ive been with my boyfriend for 10 years im 24 now and we have a 3yr old son together, lately i have been really at my last temper with him emotionally. I cant take it anymore evryday it seems like something new with him we have been arguing about him masturbating. he has been doing it a lot and it is affecting our sex life and it has taking my confidece dow alot. i feel ugly and jealouse that he gets off on other females. he tells me its none of my business but it gets me really mad. what to do? he is really hot tempered. he has put his hands on me before in front of our son and by ourselfs, he almost choked me to death and then let go my eyes got really blood shot red and i havent been able to get over alot of these encounters with him.. im scared of him when we get into an argument even if its something little he justs gets mad easily
Submitted: 4 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Angela replied 4 years ago.
Hello Juels,
My first concern is for the safety of you and your son. I can tell you that my experience as a domestic violence crisis counselor lets me know that you need to get away from him for the safety of yourself and your son right away. Please forget about his masturbating at the moment because your safety is a far greater matter. Domestic violence is a learned behavior so your boyfriend will without doubt put his hands on you again and the next time he could harm you far worse and even your son. I don't need to know where you live, but you do need to know that your local phone book will have the phone number for your local domestic violence shelter or you can call 1−800−799−SAFE(7233) (- the national domestic violence hotline). You should immediately call and consider going asap, because the violence will happen again. Please do not tell your boyfriend anything about this, it will only lead to more problems, just call privately and when you can do so in private (-such as when you are absolutely sure that he is out of the house for a while). Also, when you call be sure that after you hang up that you take your phone off of the hook and dial any random numbers in your phone so that if he tries to hit redial it will not go through to the domestic violence hotline. You need to know that domestic violence shelters will help you to get slowly on your feet. Some even offer reduced housing and so forth.
Customer: replied 4 years ago.

i know that he needs help and i think he knows too because he has said we should go see a counsler together. he has done more emotianal harm in my life more than physical. he has also done alot of good things , he is a great father this is why i dont know what to do? the only time he put his hands on me that was beyond serious was that time he choked me. he'll shove me out of his way and get loud and nasty(verbally) he is not a controlling type of guy i go out i have a job that he respects. i just think that i need to get over some things like him cheating on me and never admitting it you know.. he needs to get over some stuff aswell i admit he has no right to do any of the things he has done to me no one does i just want him to get help. our relationship would be great if he didnt have that anger problem, or the other one. i have never felt fear of him towards my son. even though i do think he should have never done that in front of him that one time but im just stressed out i hate living like this and i think whats making even worse is that i think he dosent care about our relationship anymore and im scared to be by my self...that i keep arguing with him over everything.i have a lot of resent towards him and i need help getting over alot. we live in the same house as my sister and her fam for about 6mths now. he hasent put his hands on my in about 2 years but i cant get over the times he did. i just think ive had it with him not caring !!and as much as i say im gonna leave him i cant its easier said than done.. its not helping that i feel ugly and rejected, not loved , taken for granted... He has never really been the social guy. hes quiet, shy but wen our relationship is good its good but when its bad its bad latley its been just bad emotionally....

Expert:  Angela replied 4 years ago.
Hello Juels,
Please keep in mind that domestic violence is not just physical violence it also include emotional abuse. What I recommend you do in addition to what I previously wrote, is to hold him accountable for going to counseling. Tell him that you want both of you to go to counseling so that your relationship can be stronger and healthier. If he truly goes to counseling then he can begin to work on his issues, however, it will take a great deal of work on his part because domestic violence is a learned behavior. So I don't know when he learned this behavior, however, most abusers learn it in their childhood watching their parents in altercations (-which is why I am concerned about your son seeing these things occur). Also, I have not met an abuser who has not had an anger problem because it goes hand in hand with the domestic violence. So get both of you into counseling asap. Also, in addition to counseling you could both attend domestic violence support groups which are usually always free. He would attend one for abusers and you would attend one for victims of domestic violence. Support groups are helpful because they consists of people going through the same exact situation and helping each other through it. I know from personal experience how hard it is to leave as I was in this same situation many years ago, however, I know for a fact that leaving was the best thing that I did and I would not be the healthy and happy person that I am today if I have not left my abuser (-which naturally is why I became a domestic violence crisis counselor to give back and to help others who are where I once was).
Angela, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 681
Experience: n/a
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