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Angela, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 681
Experience:  n/a
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I have been having an affair with a married man for 5 months.

Resolved Question:

I have been having an affair with a married man for 5 months. I am married myself. I know the relationship is going sour, some mean things have been said to one another. I think i love him and am not sure what to do. He is moving out this weekend as he and his wife are having problems. He is very stubborn, very selfish right now, and says he does not know if we will have a future together. He says he needs to make himself happy first as he is not happy with his life, job, and not having any money. We live 5 states away. I do not know if I should try to continue on, if I should contact him, or just let it all go. He is very stubborn, i do not think he has felt love for a very long time. He also lost his parents suddenly in a tragic car accident when he was 24 yrs. old, he is now 37, and i do not think he has ever dealt with that grief. He has no one really and has told me i am the only one he has ever cried in front of. He had not cried since his parents funeral. please help me.
Submitted: 7 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Angela replied 7 years ago.
I think the best thing for you to do now is to let him move out and to focus on your life. You mentioned that you were married as well, first, I want you to focus on yourself and decide about your marriage. What is the current status of it? What do you want to do in it? Due to both of you being married, you cannot completely be 100% available to each other. So in essence you are actually depriving yourself of having a relationship with a person who is 100% available to you. Naturally, a situation such as this will only lead to additional emotional and mental pain. That is why I recommend focusing on yourself now and deciding what you want concerning your current marriage. I wouldn't settle for anything less than having a partner that you can be 100% available to and vice versa, again because it will only lead to additional hurt and pain.
Customer: replied 7 years ago.

thank you and i know i need to focus on what my current situation is and what i need to do. Right now can you tell me if i should call him or text him. Last night we had a few words that were not so nice. I do not know if i should contact him at all saying i wish him the best or just stop all communication as of now. I truly care about him and i know he does for me, he is just scared of being hurt again and feeling love because of his past of losing his parents etc..I just want to be there for him but not be to pushy or appear needy at all. It is like he is one way one day and then he shuts down the next day. My husband knows something is going on, we are not getting along at all right now, and he is a wonderful person, i am just not in love with him. I love this other man. I need to figure out what to do at this point i guess.

Expert:  Angela replied 7 years ago.
I truly understand your dilemma and the struggle that this is for you, but I honestly think that right now it is best to stop all communication based on all that we have written about. Please take some time for yourself right now, I know it is not easy, but I really think the best thing is to stop communication for now and to focus on what I wrote about earlier. Also, this situation is not uncommon, you are 1 of many of people who are in this same type of situation for many, many, reasons which is why I recommend focusing on yourself right now and doing the other things that I wrote about. You need to give yourself time to think or you will just end up completely burning yourself out. Also, a book I recommend to my clients dealing with the same situation which they have found helpful can be found by clicking here:
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