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Ask Angela Your Own Question

Angela, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 681
Experience:  n/a
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My husband and I have 6 kids, our marriage is in serious trouble,

Customer Question

My husband and I have 6 kids, our marriage is in serious trouble, we've agreed to fight for it and find a way to make it work. We have already had many times of seperation. I am always the one that takes care of the kids during these. He is coming in the evenings to see his children, then tells me he needs rest so he can't sleep here that he will stay with the kids a night he doesn't have to get up for work the next day. Then tells me that he now needs time out with his friends, that he works everyday with, leaving me with the kids to care for myself all evening too. Four of our children are still very young (under 5) shouldn't going out with friends be put on hold till there isn't so much on our plates as is, and shouldn't taking the time to reconnect and fix our marriage come before going out with his friends? How do I explain this to him without causing another fight? i really feel the marriage should be the priority right now.
Submitted: 6 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Angela replied 6 years ago.
Hello MamaPebbles,
Since you have both agreed to fight for your marriage it should indeed be the priority now. It sounds like you both have been doing a lot of sharing with each other, but I think at this time that you would both benefit from seeing a third party in person (-counselor, therapist, pastor, etc.) who you both agree to meet with. A third party person would help you both understand each other's comments and feelings as well as help you work through your issues. A third party would also keep you on the same page with one another during your sessions. In reference to your other question about explaining to him your feelings about your marriage needing to be a priority without causing a fight, I recommend approaching this in this manner: Schedule a time with your husband when the two of you can speak to one another in a calm, peaceful, and non-distracting environment. Perhaps you could get a baby sitter or a trusted friend to come over for a few hours so that the two of you could leave the house and get away to talk. Choose a place to talk which makes you both feel peaceful and mellow. During this uninterrupted time begin the conversation by telling your husband how much you love him and that you are glad that you are both fighting for your marriage. Continue the dialog and calmly explain to your husband your concerns about him leaving you with the kids during your times of separation, the concern about spending time with his friends over you, and etc. As you explain these things to him be sure to do it in a calm and patient manner and not in a blaming or upset manner. The goal is to create a relaxing environment so that both of you can honestly and comfortably share with one another. As the two of you share, also discuss how both of you can address the concerns that each of you have brought up. Discuss the changes that you can both agree to make. In order for both of you to move past the issues and concerns, both of you must be willing to talk about them and decide how to move forward. Communication and honesty are vital for relationships to continue in a healthy and positive manner. As a result, both of you need to feel comfortable and safe in sharing with one another and both of you need to be willing to discuss and work on your concerns. Additionally, when you have your special night out, if that goes well, you can discuss doing a special night out together on a regular basis as another way for you to spend quality time together. Also, a book that my clients have given me positive feedback on in dealing with the same situation can be found by clicking here:
Customer: replied 6 years ago.
Thank you what you said makes sense but I'm still confused. See I am a stay at home mom, he works 40+ hours a week plus hour each way drive time. so i am with the kids ALL the time. When he talks about going out with his friends my blood pressure goes up. We discussed it before we got married that the single life of going out with our buddies was pretty much done until our kids were raised and less dependent on us for their care. He said that was what he wanted he didn't need to go out with his buddies, he needed a family. I believe that married couples should go out but only as a couple with other married couples. When you mix in singles temptation sneaks in and things end up happening that are regretted later. Shouldn't a parent realize that going out with the guys is a single persons thing to do not something a married person should be doing? I just feel taken for granted that I will be here to care for kids I can't go out with my friends because he says he's not comfortable taking care of all the kids himself. then i have to answer the 20 questions of who i talked to what i did who all was there why i talked to them why if i wanted to be a stay at home mom do i need to go out, that im neglecting my children.
Expert:  Angela replied 6 years ago.
Hello MamaPebbles,
Due to the imbalance of you always being with the kids and your husband not helping with the kids and saying, "I'm not not comfortable taking care of all the kids alone", this is one of the reasons why I recommend a third party for both of you to see in person because you are both on two separate pages. On the one hand you feel as if you are being slighted and on the other hand your husband has no problem with that.....issues such as these can be worked on together in counseling and it sounds like with all of the talking that you have done with your husband, that he has not changed his behaviors. Also, your feelings about him going out with the guys should not occur until your kids are older- I completely understand your feelings but unfortunately, your husband disagrees with how you feel which is another reason why I recommend in person counseling to help you both work on these issues and to have a happier marriage in which each partner feels valued and respected especially since you are a stay at home mother and especially since your husband works 40 plus hours a week. Also, this is why I suggested talking to him in the manner that I previously described because unfortunately, he sees nothing wrong with his behavior or with not honoring his premarriage word to not go out once you have kids, which is unfair to you at the very least, but I still think that going to counseling is the best choice given all that we have written about so far.

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