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Anna
Anna, Social Worker
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1945
Experience:  29 years experience in addictions & mental health. I'll tell you my honest opinion.
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To Anna Anna, I am back again with what I consider to be

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To:Anna

Anna, I am back again with what I consider to be more distancing behavior....My friend and I both are widowed and have been dating for 6 years, waiting primarily for her youngest child to get out of high school. Last year we decided that we would begin seriously talking about our future. The first item she threw in was that she would draw Social Security from her deceased husband if we wait until she is 60...3yrs away.. She does not need the money but all of a sudden I feel that another barrier has been thrown into the relationship. I will likely be eligible for widowers benefits(which I could definitely use) but I have not checked to see how much...For me the money is not the issue....
Right now I feel these three things: 1. I would cost her the money if we decide to marry before 60...not sure that the issue would be dropped.
2. I don't want to live separately for 3 more years(not going to move in together)3. I feel the barriers would be greater in 3 years...any words?
Submitted: 4 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Anna replied 4 years ago.


Hey name,

Good to see you again, but I'm sorry you keep running into trouble with your lady friend. I'm wondering if you got that book on The Two Step Dance of Intimacy that I recommended last time? If not, I really want to you read it.
#3
I agree that we've got more distancing behavior. Again. Some more. With the way that she keeps you outside of her decision making process, I can understand your prediction that the barriers would be greater in 3 years, and agree.

#2. Good for you that you have this boundary, and know what you want.

#1 I think it would be thrown back at you that you 'cost her the money'.

As we've talked about before, she is a VERY independent lady, and is only going to let you in so far. I think that she'll find many ways to do this, but the botXXXXX XXXXXne is always the same: she likes having you around, but not on the inside loop. Even the whole face-lift issue showed that. You are not going to get past her guard.

I think she has secrets that you don't know about, and I suspect she's playing you and constantly testing your limits as a way of keeping you hooked into her drama.

My best to you, Name. Be good to yourself.

Anna
Anna, Social Worker
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1945
Experience: 29 years experience in addictions & mental health. I'll tell you my honest opinion.
Anna and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 4 years ago.

Thanks, XXXXX XXXXX a conversation with her since I talked with you...as usual it is my fault for feeling this way...The botXXXXX XXXXXne with what she told me was that I would cost her or us money.....She pulls me close and then emotionally pushes me back. I did get the book you mentioned and have read it...it is very good.....Thanks for your help.

Expert:  Anna replied 4 years ago.


I'm so glad you got the book. It's very simplistic, but sometimes the push and pull are just that simple when you subtract all the drama.

I forgot to thank you for the bonus! That was very kind of you. We get a higher percentage of bonuses, so it's sweet.

Is it going to scare you if I say that I think your lady friend has some narcissistic traits? Always making it your fault is certainly one of them. Keeping things to herself. Living separately for 3 years when you don't need the money...facelift without discussing it first. I hope you realize that you deserve to be in this relationship also. You love her. Love yourself as well.

Take care, Name.

Anna
Customer: replied 4 years ago.
thanks, XXXXX XXXXX told her that I will take some time to process this....I may be asking for your help again....I will be taking care of myself...

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29 years experience in addictions & mental health. I'll tell you my honest opinion.