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Angela
Angela, Counselor
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Ive been dating this guy for the last 5 1/2 years. Every

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I've been dating this guy for the last 5 1/2 years. Every week he comes over once during the week and on weekends, but never brings anything over, such as food or drinks. After 2 1/2 years of dating I asked him one night if he thought it was strange that he never even thinks of bringing anything over. I also told him that it was humiliating that I even had to bring this subject up. He said that he was hurt that I was insinuating that he was freeloading. I couldn't believe what he was saying. I told him that I only thought that when 2 people date I assumed that they would help one another. When we go out I 99% of the time pay my half of the bill. I'm confused because I don't know if this guy is using me or not. What do you think? He makes more money than me. He's also retired with 3 adult kids (23-26-29) living at home. He wants me to move in. I DON'T THINK SO. If I feel used now can you imagine if I live there? No thanks. What do you make out of this relationship?
Hello Sylvie,
Based upon what you have written, it appears as if your boyfriend does care about you but has been taking advantage of your willingness to pay especially when he makes more money than you do. This is obviously a weak area and flaw for him that he needs to change. Also, he responded in a very defensive way because you quite honestly asked him a legitimate question which in this case is a sign that your instincts are right on target. I would recommend that before you make any more plans involving money such as going out to eat or even allowing him to come over (-which involves money because he is eating your food) that you tell him that you can no longer afford to be 99% of the time spending money on the two of you. So the next time he wants to go out or even come over, slow him down and help him correct his behavior and to get on the same page with you. For example: if he wants to go out to eat and you want to do it also, tell him that's great and tell him that you will have to go dutch on the meal (-each of you paying for your own). Maybe he will even step it up a notch and treat you to a meal, but even if he does, keep this game plan in play of going dutch if he doesn't pay for both of you until he prooves himself to you. Also, when he wants to come over, discuss with him on the phone what you two would like to eat while he is at your house and then tell him what he needs to bring (- food, drinks, etc.). If he really cares about you and respects you he will not have a problem doing his portion especially with all of the time the two of you have invested in this relationship. If he cries and complains about doing his portion after you implement this new way of interacting with him, then that is a huge red flag and you may need to reconsider your relationship. My hope is that with your help your boyfriend will treat you with the financial respect that you deserve.
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