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Dr. Keane
Dr. Keane, Counselor
Category: Relationship
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Experience:  PHD LPC
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I have a few questions and hopefully someone can help ) Background

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I have a few questions and hopefully someone can help :)

Background: I have been friends with a guy I work with for almost a year now. When we 1st met, he was divorced. We talk a lot at work, we emailed, text message, etc. 1 of his 1st questions to me, is if I would be interested in dating someone like him. I told him that it depended on what he expected out of a relationship b/c I am saving myself for marriage. He very frankly said that he would expect a sexual relationship. So, we kept it as friends...I thought...but we continued to talk and flirt, etc. We've never done anything more than that nor have we went out. Later in our friendship, he did tell me that he and his Ex were "off and on." We continued to text and we'd talk a lot at work. And, he has never kept it a secret about his desire for us to sleep together, but I always take it as a joke as we are just both "goofy" people. Well, to make a long story short, I recently asked him for advice about a guy. So, later that same night, he comes to talk to me with a wedding ring on. When I asked him about it, he told me that he was "thinking about re-tying the knot" (with his ex) because it's more "conveinent" and because he's tired of paying child support. So, he basically made it seem as if the ring that he was wearing was an engagement ring. Anyway, I was like...ok, what kind of reason is that to get re-married? But, because I am a researcher, I looked up the info on him in the paper and a month and 1/2 ago he and his Ex, got a marriage license...so, he has been married for over a month and a 1/2 and he is just now telling me...well, actually, he's not telling me, b/c he told me that he's just "thinking about getting re-married."
During our friendship, he will make comments to me in front of other co-workers for me to come and sit by him, or to come eat with him, or he'll follow me around. And, if a male co-worker is around, he will step in front of the other guy and interrupt our conversations (he's always done this by the way). He will also make it known to others that he "knows me" in the sense that he knows what my favorite things are, etc. I don't understand it as I can't figure out why he hasn't come clean about getting married, or even that he was thinking about it. And, this week, he has asked me at least 2x's about this "other guy"--who by the way, I was asking him about to get advice on how to tell the guy in a nice but firm way to leave me alone. So, the "other guy" was not even a potential boyfriend. When I looked through my text messages and our calls, he had asked to come over about a week and a 1/2 after he got married. I had NO IDEA that he was married or I would have NEVER even flirted with him about it. He didn't come over and I'm not letting him either... but I guess, I just cannot figure out why he would hide something like that from me, especially if we're friends.

So, my questions are:

1) Why hasn't he told me that he's re-married? The only reason I found out is because I looked it up.

2) Is he trying to have more than a friendship with me?

3) Should we continue to be friends?

4) Do men really get re-married to their Ex-spouses so that they don't have to pay child support? By the way, he has yet to tell me her name. And, during our friendship I have told him that he maybe should try and work things out with her. So, that is another reason why I am confused as to why he seems to have only even mentioned re-marriage after I mentioned another guy.
Submitted: 4 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dr. Keane replied 4 years ago.
Hi,
Sounds as though this guy just wanted to get you into his bed. I would steer far and wide away from him. If he remarried and was still flirting with you and so on , he isn't your friend. He found a sweet vulnerable young lady who he believes he could manipulate however, you are a smart young lady and did your homework. To answer your questions: He didn't tell you he was remarried because he didn't want you to know. He would still like to have a relationship with you. Yes, he wants more than a friendship (which he really doesn't have because he lied and friends don't do that. No you should not be friends with him, he isn't a friend at all, he is a poor excuse for a man, and yes, some remarry for financial reasons but others remarry because they realize it was a mistake in the first place or they consider the family they left more important than they realized.
Please click accept and leave feedback. Thanks
Customer: replied 4 years ago.

Dear Dr. Keane,

 

Thank you so much for your help! I guess, because I thought we were friends, it has been hard for me to accept that he got re-married without telling me. Because, to accept that fact, would mean that I would have to accept that he isn't that great of a guy/a "poor excuse for a man" as you said.

 

Should I confront him about why he hasn't told me the truth?

I have to admit that I am worried that he will not drop this as he has seemed even more persistant this week.

 

So, I guess, basically, how do I end it?

 

Thank you again!!!!!

Expert:  Dr. Keane replied 4 years ago.
Hi
Basically you have the power, just know that the "friendship" will end when you confront him. You can simply say to him that you feel that his lying about his wife made you lose any confidence or trust you had in him and that you both need to go your separate ways. He is baiting you with attention, don't buy it. You sound like you know what you are doing and he seems to be playing a dangerous game and trying to entice you into it. Stay smart and focused on positive well intentioned people.
Please click ACCEPT and leave FEEDBACK. Thanks.
Dr. Keane, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1699
Experience: PHD LPC
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