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Dr Rossi
Dr Rossi, Licensed Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 4627
Experience:  Certified Hypnotherapist, Author, 13+years of experience.
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So Ive been seeing a girl for about a month and a half now.

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So I've been seeing a girl for about a month and a half now. She and I are crazy about each other but it's very obvious that i'm more into the relationship than she is. She's afraid of commitment and has a very checkered past. One of her boyfriends committed suicide last year and she was the one to find him. I'm nothing like any of her past boyfriends she says. I'm very sweet, caring, understanding, and a hopeless romantic. I am very open and honest, i make myself very vulnerable and tell her how i feel. She likes that I am honest but i feel i'm scaring her. She's on break from college and said she wanted to use that time to figure out her life, and figure out what she wants. Other than cutting me off though, she's been talking to me for most of the week, until thursday when i tried to take some of her stress off by saying she doesn't have to figure our relationship out right now, as still she won't let me call her my girlfriend. now she wont talk to me, it's been 3 days.
Submitted: 4 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dr Rossi replied 4 years ago.

Good Morning

 

It sounds like the woman in question has some issues that she herself will have to address. You do not have to beat yourself up for the way she reacts. Hopefully she had at some point gotten counseling to deal with the death of her ex.

 

If she needs time to figure things out, that is understandable and you had done right to give her that space. At time same time, you do not want to feel like she's leading you on either.

Wait a few more days, email or text her and leave it up to her to let you know where she wants to go with this.

Customer: replied 4 years ago.
I ended up running out of space as there is more to it, she hasn't gotten grief counseling, she has refused it.

I feel that this is what is causing her lack of desire for any type of commitment. she had a boyfriend after his death but the guy was best friends with her ex that killed himself, so i'm not sure if that would make it easier for her.

I have tried to text her and message her, non-threateningly, just saying that i hope she has a good day and that i hope she feels better (she's been getting over a cold for a few weeks).

I do feel a bit led on. she doesn't communicate much so when she does i take it much more to heart. Last week she texted me saying "i need you". I could tell she was feeling vulnerable as she immediately im'ed me asking if my phone was on, as i hadn't responded to it. She has said she adores me, that she's crazy about me, there's no doubt in my mind that she's attracted to me, i just don't know what I can do to fix this.

She starts classes tomorrow and she lives in a house full of....well bad influences. she does some recreational drugs (i am straight edge, but i understand this is her body, and it seems to be her coping method for her grief from the suicide, not saying it's right but it's her form of therapy), and drinks quite a bit when she's around them, so I guess I was hoping there was some way i could get clarity before she was thrown back into that.

We've been intimate on four occassions in the last month and a half, and I feel much more emotionally invested in her as she's only been my third partner (and i'm 23) and all my past partners i've been in serious long term relationships with where we both loved each other. she has had more of a checkered past with intimacy so again, our views are different. I'm feeling like i love her, and she doesn't know how she feels. She thinks i'm wonderful (or so her texts say) but it's hard to keep that mindset that she'll come back when after a week of almost constant texting at points, i try to ease stress off her (and in the process i'm guessing i come across as over-dramatic, or just dramatic in general) and she stops responding to my texts and messages. I tried to keep things light but i still haven't heard a word. This is very unlike her as it's almost an obsessive compulsive reaction for her to respond to every text she gets.

I want to ask her if I did something wrong or just why she's not talking to me, but i feel that would make things even worse, validating there is a problem.
Expert:  Dr Rossi replied 4 years ago.

When in doubt, it is best to ask her. You do not have to say "is there something wrong" Just kind of inquire how she had been, what is going on with her life, etc. Kind of keep it an open end questions and let her talk if she wants to.

 

You have to remember that a person decides how to respond to something, what to think etc. You do not have control over that so, do not feel bad about it.

 

You are also probably correct that since she has had more relationships, she is more capable of switching off her feelings and is most likely just trying to see where this will go.

Customer: replied 4 years ago.
I guess i'm just not sure of when to ask. If I should give her some extra space now as she starts classes tomorrow. She's made herself less available, staying off aim entirely (or at least remaining invisible). I just don't want to feel like I am smothering her. If she needs a break from me for a little bit to figure out her entire life (as she was on a decent self-destruction kick for a while before i came along, and still continued when i wasn't around), then i want to give her that space and not butt in at all til she's ready.

I guess i still don't know what the best course of action is other than to wait. I don't feel like I did anything wrong. I think I might have came on to strong but I am a naturally over-emotional person, and i feel comfortable with her and want to be honest, and she seemed to understand that. She actually was seeming to like it and told me she liked how special i make her feel, and how wonderful i am with her. I just feel a little used and led on when she's able to turn her emotions off like that. I know she meant everything she told me, but it's hard to see it that way when i can't get a simple "thanks" out of her when i wished she felt better.

I think i'm just over thinking and over analyzing everything. I don't feel like I'm emotionally dependent on her at this point, i just feel i've made myself so vulnerable with her that now not knowing how she feels and having this come up is making it hard for me to keep my composure and feel secure in our relationship, as it seems she has all the power right now, not saying i want to control it, but I'd like an even push-pull.

I guess the only other thing that i'd like to bring up in regards XXXXX XXXXX general situation is that when we are together, in person, things are perfect, we are both honest and open and make each other very happy. She's not scared of commitment or afraid of me being more into the relationship than her, she feels like we're equal. But when we're apart (i live an hour away) she seems to over analyze everything (in the past, not as much so recently) and finds little holes to poke in all of our happiness. As if she's afraid of being happy with me.

I don't know if all of this is relevant but I can't be too sure what isn't relevant at this point.
Expert:  Dr Rossi replied 4 years ago.

You would only be sure what is relevant if your bring it to her attention and let her explain. It is possible that she likes your company when with you and then when you're away she focuses on other things. If she is giving you mixed messages you may want to let her know that. A good time to bring it up is when you're together perhaps after dinner over coffee or a glass of wine.

 

 

If satisfied w/ feedback please accept so I can get a credit for my work. Thank you.

Dr Rossi, Licensed Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 4627
Experience: Certified Hypnotherapist, Author, 13+years of experience.
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