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Anna
Anna, Social Worker
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1945
Experience:  29 years experience in addictions & mental health. I'll tell you my honest opinion.
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I have a question thats tormenting me Ive been married for

Resolved Question:

I have a question that's tormenting me: I've been married for a few years and all of a sudden caught myself thinking about my best-friend: what should I do? We just dated briefly years ago and stayed friends afterwards. Years passed, I met this wonderful guy, we fell in love with each other. I decided I should give it a chance and moved to his city. We got married and lived our lives. We went through ups and downs and even rough times, mainly due to our professional lives. I thought we were doing fine, our relationship seemed strong, even if not that passionate any more. The sex is kind of rare, because he hardly ever wants it. So I met my best friend again and felt very attracted to him. All of a sudden we were kissing. I realized how my husband had been distant, reflective and quite for the last year. I'm not sure I still love him, as I just can't help thinking of my 'friend' and don't know what I should do. I'm feeling horrible. Any help?
Submitted: 4 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Anna replied 4 years ago.


Hey Lost,

You're not the first person this has happened to. As the internet and Facebook has entered the adult world, many people are reconnecting with lost loves and having serious marital issues. Sometimes the fantasy of old and new are so intoxicating that the folks get lost in a fantasy bubble and ruin their lives, with much regret later. Sometimes it's a sign that the marriage ended some time ago and the partners were in such a rut they didn't know it. There is also the DINS issue (dual income-no sex).

You need to do some soul searching and perhaps enter into some counseling to find out what it is you really want - before you get lost in the chemical high of new love. It's so intoxicating that it can make you act in ways you wouldn't otherwise choose.

Get some help and some reality checking with a counselor. Remember, there doesn't have to be a bad guy every time a marriage ends.

My best to you,

Anna
Anna, Social Worker
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1945
Experience: 29 years experience in addictions & mental health. I'll tell you my honest opinion.
Anna and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 4 years ago.
Anna, Thanks for the advice, I was already considering counseling. You're right, it's intoxicating. Besides having the obvious feeling that flirting my friend wasn't right, I got kind of scared. I left my hometown the day after we kissed and don't know much about how he feels about this. I feel so ridiculous... I avoided meeting him on the internet, but with so much effort. Do you think I should try talking to him? Or avoid it? When I went home, I said to myself I should try my best to save my marriage. I had a talk to my husband about the things I think we should fix and I see he's trying to do better. But I feel split: this is the rational part, the truth is that I catch myself thinking of my friend all the time, fantasizing about impossible ways to see him - we're living in different continents. And I'm feeling so guilty about this. I sincerely XXXXX XXXXX never betray my husband and the fact that I 'forgot' about him for a couple of hours really made me ask serious questions about myself. I don't know if the right thing to do is to try and stay loyal, no matter what, or go after what makes us feel good.
Expert:  Anna replied 4 years ago.


Hey Lost,

For some reason, I can't post my response normally, so I'm including a link you can click on to get the answer.

Anna
Link

Customer: replied 4 years ago.
Anna, for some reason the link won't open
Expert:  Anna replied 4 years ago.

Let me try it again. I'm having trouble right now and it may only work later. If you can't get it, try after a bit, OK?

Link
Expert:  Anna replied 4 years ago.
Let me know if you got the link open, Lost.
Customer: replied 4 years ago.
yes I did. I'm here doing what you suggested and seems to be working.. thanks a lot
Expert:  Anna replied 4 years ago.


Great.

Let me know if you need help in the future.

Anna
Customer: replied 4 years ago.
Hi Anna
We spoke through this site over e month ago. I put into practice your advice and kind of rid of the constant thought of my friend - even though not always successfully. Also I've been working a lot, not having much time to think. However, I've been questioning myself and reached the conclusion that the real matter is not my friend but my marriage. Then I started to feel somewhat depressed. I started asking myself if I'm still in love with my husband.. Otherwise I wouldn't be interested in someone else, right? This is exactly what makes me feel worse. You know, this feeling of failure. Not telling my husband what I felt about my friend is not really honest, but what should I say if I still can't figure out how I feel about that... This would be very hard for him and I'm not sure I want it to be over... Actually, I realize I don't know what I want at this point. And this is the real question.
I'm confused: I think that I should focus on my marriage, try hard to make it work, but what if this happens again? It's not always possible to control feelings, is it?? If a person is married and cares for it, why should she feel attracted to others and when it happens, what is the best to do? You see, I got married young, do not have much experience and really don't have anyone to tell all this. Actually I don't want my friends to know about this, I think that it wouldn't be fair to my husband. What do you think I should really do?
Expert:  Anna replied 4 years ago.


Hey Lost,

You can be in love with your husband and have your thoughts wander...all at the same time. One doesn't always mean the other won't exist. You can't control what pops into your head, but you can control what you do about it. Having thoughts and letting those feeling wash over you and ruminating on them is the problem. You need to make the decision to stay or go, and then stop asking yourself. Commit to the decision. Be true or cheat. One or the other.

I don't recommend telling your husband about this: it will hurt him. Don't use your confession as an anchor to 'keep you clean'...it's not fair to the other person. There is honesty, and then there is brutal honesty. Telling him would be brutal, and unnecessary.

I think you should focus on your family and husband.

Good to see you again. You can always ask questions on a new thread and put ":for Anna" at the front of them, and I'll see them.

Anna
Anna, Social Worker
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1945
Experience: 29 years experience in addictions & mental health. I'll tell you my honest opinion.
Anna and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you

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