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Dr. Keane
Dr. Keane, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1760
Experience:  PHD LPC
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I just got engaged recently over the past holidays. I am 26

Customer Question

I just got engaged recently over the past holidays. I am 26 years old and my fiance is 28 years old. We have been together for 9 years. He was my second serious boyfriend and sexual partner and I was his first for both. We have had ups and downs in the past with times that I felt (and had friends tell me) that he didn't treat me well. Recently his personality has gotten a lot better and I think he has been making a conscious effort to be nicer and appreciative for what I do. We get along pretty well as far as hanging out and living together (which has been for 7 years). We have fun when we go do things. It feels more like we're just friends. My main hang up is that I don't feel any passion or special connection with him anymore and I can't really remember how strong our connection was in the beginning. I honestly, and feel horrible for admitting this, but I am not physically or sexually attracted to him. Having sex and kissing feels more like work than love. When he proposed my initial thought was "oh crap", and everyone I tell about my new engagement seem to be way more excited than I am. I sometimes wonder if I'm supposed to be happier, is it unrealistic to want more? Is it normal for the sexual connection to go away? I really don't want to hurt him. What are your thoughts?
Submitted: 6 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dr. Keane replied 6 years ago.
Hi and welcome,

If you are not attracted to him anymore, and feel more like a friend then you need to rethink this relationship. I would think if you really wanted to be married you would be more excited than thinking "oh crap" when he asked. In times like these someone is going to get hurt, it's inevitable but it passes. It's better to rethink this relationship now than to wait until you are married to realize you made a mistake. Most marriages lose some of the "spark" after awhile and you have been living together for seven years. If you were married I would suggest you get marriage counseling to find out if you can save the marriage. If that sounds like something you think you might want to try before you decide what to do that would be helpful.
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