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Dr. Keane
Dr. Keane, Counselor
Category: Relationship
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Experience:  PHD LPC
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I met someone who was having problems with his marriage. We

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I met someone who was having problems with his marriage. We were just going to hang out while he was working here. We fell in love with eachother! When his job was finished, he had to go home to figure things out. He decided that he wanted to be here with me, he couldn't stop thinking about me and left his wife. He came back to me for a couple weeks and then decided that he missed home. After less than a week of being home, he decided he was going to move back in with his wife. He felt that he never gave it an honest try. After realizing that he still wasn't happy with her and that he still had strong feelings for me, he has now left her again. He has actually moved out and is no longer with her. We decided that it would be a good idea that he stay where he lives for awhile to make sure that he could handle leaving home again. He lives really far away from me.
Before he left her the last time, I kind of dated someone for about a week. It was nothing serious and I realized it was a mistake, so when he asked if I was seeing someone I didn't tell him right away, he was still with his wife after all. When I did tell him, he was upset with me because I lied to him. He is having trouble trusting me.
So now, we are both wanting to be together, we love eachother very much! We just want to make sure that we are doing the right thing, can we both get over our issues? I'm scared he will leave me one day for someone else or go back home and he is having a hard time trusting me.
Submitted: 4 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dr. Keane replied 4 years ago.
Hi
You have quite the scenario here....First, if you leave a marriage you do it for yourself, not another person. That is what I tell people in my practice so if he is leaving he should be leaving for him, not you. You dated another person for a week and he has an issue with the fact that you lied. Well, how many dates constitute "dating one person". You know it was no big deal and he should not talk too much about trust, after all he cheated on his wife so who says he can be trusted. You are right to worry about him leaving one day. He doesn't sound as though he knows what he wants. I would suggest if you want this relationship you take it slow. Trust is at the core of every relationship and if the two of you are honest with each other, take this relationship slow and get couples counseling it will help both of you with trust issues, then you can work towards having a good long relationship.
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Customer: replied 4 years ago.

He did end up leaving her for himself, it wasn't for me. I didn't want him to leave her because of me, I know how wrong that is. My main issue now is that he is having such a hard time trusting me. Tells me that I have to prove myself to him. I'm concerned that there may be some possessive or control issues. If I don't answer my cell phone, he's questioning why. He asked for my email and facebook passwords so he could check up on me. I think that was extremely wrong! He admits now that it was wrong, but the point is that he did it! He says that it is hard to trust me with him being so far away and that if or when he comes back that he wouldn't be that way. He says that he has never been jealous like this before.

I'm concerned that my seeing someone while he was still with his wife is such a big issue, when i've had to deal with waiting for him while he figured things out with her. He even came back to me and then left me again. Should I be concerned that he is making such a big deal about this? Is he always gonna be "checking up on me", trying to control where I go and what I do?

The stupid thing is that I trust him, he has never lied to me (as far as I know), not that that makes things any better, but he has always told me everything, whether it hurt me or not. His wife and I have both known about eachother this whole time.

I have been through a possessive controlling relationship before and I can't handle another one! I would like to believe that he wouldn't be like that if he was actually living here, but i'm a little scared.

Expert:  Dr. Keane replied 4 years ago.
Hi

I think that if he reacted so severely to your dating someone for a week and not trusting you is a big red flag. He may be controlling especially since he asked for email and facebook passwords. My suggestion would be that you take your time, go to counseling if you have to, be very careful of his controlling ways and listen to your what your gut is saying about him and his reactions. He may say that he has never been jealous before but you need time to find out if that is the case.
Please click accept and leave feedback when you are satisfied.
Dr. Keane, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1715
Experience: PHD LPC
Dr. Keane and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 4 years ago.

He says it's not the fact that I dated someone, it's that I lied to him about it at first. I agree that a relationship is built on trust, but I didn't tell him at first because I really didn't think that it should be an issue considering he was still with his wife. I am concerned that he is making such a big deal about it.

Thank you for your help.

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Dr. Keane
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