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Anna
Anna, Social Worker
Category: Relationship
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Experience:  29 years experience in addictions & mental health. I'll tell you my honest opinion.
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hi, I have this boyfriend now, and my parent do not like

Customer Question

hi,

I have this boyfriend now, and my parent do not like me to going out with him because he is not a student. they told me before that they cannot tell me to break up with him because i am old enough to make my own decision, but me and my parent had a big fight last night, and they now do not allow me to see my boyfriend any more. im not their doll, even though i know what they told me is quite reasonable (2 people from different social class level cant go together, and that i made them ashamed), but they cant just told me what to do. please help.

thanks

ping
Submitted: 4 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Anna replied 4 years ago.


Hi Ping,

Can you tell me more about the culture that you and your parents live in? You think what they say is reasonable - tell me your thoughts on this. How old are you? Do you live with them? Is this relationship serious enough that you would choose him over your parents?

If you tell me the answers to these questions, I'll be better able to help you with a good answer.

Anna
Customer: replied 4 years ago.
Hi Anna,

I am 20 years old, and I am chinese. In my culture, people normally find their partner with the same social class level, and if you are studying then you are a good children and you will be success. it is like a social bias. and also, in my culture, girl suppose to listen to what parents told them to do. like, thousand years ago, parents find a husband for their daughter.

i think they are reasonable, because this kind of culture is rooted in my head, my culture and my parent tell me what is right. and also, the way that my boyfriend act shows that he is not a student, he uses fist to solve out problem. and sometimes what he thinks tell me that he is kind of low class.

I live with my parent only during the holidays, otherwise, i stay in cape town, and i rent a house with my friend over there. my boyfriend is also in joburg.

i can say that my parents counts 60%, and my boyfriend counts 40%. but the way my parent act really make me angry, they force me to do what they want me to do, and they think that people are like what they think.

if one day, i run away or commit suicide, it is because the way the act, not because i really really love my boyfriend.

also, i feel sorry for my boyfriend, because he and his family treat me very very well, and my parents also told me that he is a good person and treat me very well, but because parent are all selfish.

thanks so much for your help.

ping
Expert:  Anna replied 4 years ago.


Hi Ping,

I understand your situation better now; thanks.

I suspect that some part of your dating this boy is in rebellion to your parents, and is part of you trying to grow up and out from under their wings. Finding a way to honor the culture that you accept in a way that both you and your parents accept takes much time and struggle, and I think you're right in the middle of that right now. This is a natural part of all young people growing up: your situation is more pronounced because the lines are so clearly drawn in class structure.

I bet your parents actually understand what you're going through because they were young once as well. They're scared that you're going to do something to hurt yourself in the long run, and don't want that for you. But in the end, you are going to have to live your life. Every generation in every country faces this issue...it just gets acted out in different forms. Understanding your need to rebel and become your own woman will help you sort this out.

My advice is to take things slow with your parents and your boyfriend. Don't add fuel to the fire. In the end, they can't control who you care about, but you can benefit from their wisdom. Try to find a balance between the two. You will always have the final say as an adult. Slow things down and don't get into absolutes. Tell them that you'll consider their advice very seriously, but that the final answer will be yours.

If you would, please fill out the feedback form after accepting. I appreciate this opportunity to help you out today. If I can be of further service to you, just put "for Anna" in the front of your new question, and I'll be the one to answer it.

Thanks!

Anna

Customer: replied 4 years ago.
Hi Anna,

I told that to them already, but they still don't want listen to me because I do not do what they want. they just "say" that it is my decision. Please can you tell me what to do now. I feel like to kill my dad right now, because he just does what he wants according to his temper.

thanks
Expert:  Anna replied 4 years ago.
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Customer: replied 4 years ago.
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