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Anna
Anna, Social Worker
Category: Relationship
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Experience:  29 years experience in addictions & mental health. I'll tell you my honest opinion.
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My fiance has had a female best friend for many years. They

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My fiance has had a female best friend for many years. They talk for many hours on the phone about her problems and based on his phone bill they talk first thing in the morning and last thing at night, before and after he talks to me on the phone. This makes me very uncomfortable but he says it is nothing to worry about, she just needs someone to talk to about her problems. I know the best friend fairly well and she claims that she is my best freind as well. She expects him to call her to let her know that he has arrived safely wherever he is going and gets frantic sometimes calling me or my family members to find out if we have reached safely. We are getting married in a few weeks and she is practically planning the wedding, helping out my fiance (her best friend) but all of this makes me very uncomfortable. My fiance and I have spoken about it and he said he has told her that she will have to ween herself off him. I worry about all of this although i trust my fiance and she seems to be far too attached. Should I be concerned or is she just being a great best friend to my fiance?

HiCustomer

No matter what is going on, if you're uncomfortable - that's what matters. You're the fiance, and you're going to be the wife. They're very intimate, which is OK for best friends, but what you're talking about is waaay over the top with the daily phone calls and all the checking in stuff. It sounds like they're already married and you're going to be the second wife. She says she's your best friend too...do you say that?

I'd sit down with him and let him know that you expect married life to be different and that you don't want to hear complaints about "you weren't like this before we were married...you knew how close she and I were and it was OK with you then....." But simply put, you don't want the intimacy in your marriage split 3 ways. Don't think for a minute that he isn't flattered by her adoration- he is. She is also flattered by his putting her first and last over you each day. This isn't a very friendly thing of either of them to do to you.

If you're going on a honey moon, then I would insist on no contact between the two of them during that week or 10 days. If you're not going on one, I'd insist on that anyway...saying that you're devoting the first 10 days of married life to each other exclusively and both of you keep to it. That should ween her off. Then be very clear with him that you expect to always be put first and no more checking in with her so she knows he's OK....that's just too much.

Anna

Customer: replied 7 years ago.

Hi Anna,

 

Thank you for your feedback. It is very helpful advice. In answer to your question, I do not consider her to be my best friend she is just a friend. When I have brought the situation up with my fiance he basically throws up his hands and says he will ask her not to be involved in the wedding and not to call anymore. I do not want this because I do not want to destroy their relationship and i also do not want to be the bad guy!! But based on your response I think i really need to have a heart to heart with him before the wedding. I know that he does not want to hurt her feelings cuz she has been through hell with her relationships but he probably needs to have a heart to heart with her and let her understand that her expectations of their relationship is affecting ours. She actually admitted to him that she has to keep reminding herself that it is not her wedding. She sees him as a surrogate father to her children as well which makes things even worse. I dont want to hurt her feelings either but someone has to draw a line somewhere. I feel guilty if i bring up this topic with him. Do you have any further advice. ThanksCustomer

Hi lifeguardady,

My best advice to you: hurt her feelings. She's a big girl and she's way over the line. She is hurting your feelings and is going to cause trouble in your marriage. Her neediness will only get worse after the wedding - trust me - this is going to blow out. He needs to wean out of the hero role - with her and her children. She's got bad boundaries...but what is his excuse? Why does he accept this from her? It's really wierd.

Every adult gets their feelings hurt - it's no biggie. It happens all the time. It doesn't have to be nuclear, but she needs to know she can't be his best friend anymore - that is your job. Have the heart to heart talks, and then be ready for the storm. Draw the line with grace and dignity, and then protect it with electricity.

Anna

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