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Anna
Anna, Social Worker
Category: Relationship
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Experience:  29 years experience in addictions & mental health. I'll tell you my honest opinion.
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I am heartbroken. Im a single mom with a 10 year old daughter,

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I am heartbroken. I'm a single mom with a 10 year old daughter, hadn't had a relationship since my divorce 10 years ago, and never really had a truly intimate, satisfying physical relationship EVER until my recent boyfriend of three months who just broke up with me over the phone. I know he wasn't the best man for me or for my daughter, but I still want him so much. I want to see him, make love to him again. No one I had ever been with was so tender and loving in bed. He wasn't the best boyfriend outside of the bedroom, had a lot of baggage from his ex who had abandoned him and his 8 year old daughter for two years, but he was nice overall. Still, the closeness we shared was unbelievable. He said that I became too needy (which I did, but it was due to the birth control I was taking, which made me incredibly anxious and not myself - I haven't been able to tell him about this - I am a truly independent person, which is who he had fallen for in the first place). There were other issues, I think, but he's not even giving me the chance to make it up to him, or to talk it out with him at all. He's incredibly protective of his daughter due to the bad situation he had had with his ex. There is a lot more to this story, but could you possibly help me for now. I'm wondering if he has someone new, or if he's just SO into his daughter being the lady in his heart (which could be the case, trust me). Please help. Thanks.
Submitted: 4 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Anna replied 4 years ago.

Hi niceonestgirl,

I'm sorry this happened to you - no one deserves to be treated like that. I think that since you've been out of the relationship scene since your divorce, this one has hit you very hard. Dating someone for a few months is how people get to know someone enough to make the choice to go further or not, and it seems like for whatever reason this guy didn't see a future with you.

You said it all when you stated that he wasn't the best boyfriend outside the bedroom. This is a guy who broke up with you over the phone and isn't giving you the chance to have some closure on your side - it's very rude.

If his daughter is 'the lady of his heart', she isn't in a good place either. No 8 year old girl can be that to a grown man - be his primary relationship. He may also have found someone else he's interested in, but again, this is a guy who isn't giving you the chance to withdraw from the relationship with some grace and dignity - not good for you.

I suspect that you might be better served by looking back on this relationship as some really good sex, and enjoy those memories.
Customer: replied 4 years ago.
Thank you so much for your insightful answer. I know I'm a grown woman, but I can't seem to stop crying about this because some of the things he claimed about me personally ARE true, even though he's handled this clinically and coldly, I feel. It's like his words hit me to the core of who I am, in part, and no guy had ever said those things to me. He said I was self-centered and needy, plus he wasn't comfortable that I brought up something again (had done this once while we were alone) about his daughter and Christmas morning, while he was having Thanksgiving night dessert with me, my mom and my daughter. It would be the first Christmas morning he wouldn't have her, and he was hurt about this, and I only brought it up because I wanted to show him that he wouldn't be all alone, that I'd invite him to my home that morning to make him feel a little better during that lonely time. I also told him about some divorced parents I know who don't see their child for the entire two-week holiday break, not just Christmas morning. He said that saying this was insensitive to his feelings, especially in front of my daughter and mom. I feel awful about that, and apologized that night, I meant no harm at all. Truth is, I know what it's like to not have my daughter on a major holiday - even her birthday. I never got the chance to tell him that, though, because he dumped me so abruptly.

What I also neglected to tell you was two major things, and I'm sorry I didn't discuss them: (1) the first truly emotionally intimate moment I shared with him, (2) Thanksgiving night when he came to my house - which HE invited himself to a MONTH ago. I was thrilled, but it's not like I brought it up.

While the physical intimacy abruptly stopping hurts terribly, the truth was, I didn't truly open up my heart until the last two weeks in our relationship. All along he had been saying, "You can open up to me" and "Don't be afraid to talk to me, I'm here, you're important to me."

Well, one day, two weeks ago, I did. My mom was dealing with a major heart health issue, trying to decide whether to have surgery or not, and she asked ME for advice - it hit me like a ton of bricks, and I asked him for advice, while feeling a bit teary over the phone. Again, my emotions were running unusually high because of the birth control. I wasn't crying hysterically or anything like that at all, however.

He was very nice, calm, and when I saw him later, he held me in a way, without sex, that made me feel the safest I'd felt in 10 YEARS! He hugged me hard, and I cried a just a little, and he didn't let go. I thought I'd finally found someone I could open up to, after all these years.

Well, when he came over to my house for Thanksgiving night (he was missing his daughter who was with his ex and the new husband, though he saw her during the day), I knew he was feeling uncomfortable about his own situation over the holidays, and perhaps about being in a girlfriend's family's home for the first time in a long time. I acted a little flippant, nervous I guess, trying to be light for the occasion so that we'd be in good spirits, but my mom really ARGUED politics with him, and talked about my ex a little in front of him and my daughter, who already hates her father because of his abusive behavior (he was under court supervised visits for THREE years with her). He didn't like this at all, he said, afterwards. And he already thought my mom didn't like him because she had an idea that I was spending a lot of time at his house having sex, because at one point, she had called me late at night at his house practically screaming over the phone where he could hear her disappointment. I only answered the phone when she called because my mom has had health issues.

Also, he said he smokes pot once in awhile, told me that he wanted to change, and I think hoped I'd help him. (He's a strong, disciplined career person, owns a home, is incredibly responsible with his daughter, doesn't get drunk, doesn't do anything in front of me, and while I am against that he even does this once in awhile, I accepted this early on,and hoped to influence him positively, which perhaps I shouldn't have). During Thanksgiving, my mom brought up family, which people do. But she brought up my cousin who was in the news recently, who's in law enforcement, and arrested someone recently for a few years about a pot-related crime, so maybe he was spooked by that. Maybe he thought I had discussed it with her, but I didn't.

After all this baggage, this what hurts the most - that moment when I truly let him in, and
I really need to look him in the eye and tell him how I feel - how hurt, and how could he just drop me when just last week he was saying how important I was to him, and that he'd always be there.

Am I making any sense, or was this situation so complicated that it's not worth crying over, even though I still am crying. What is wrong with me? HE'S wrong for me in so many ways, though in some important ways, he brought me back to life, if you know what I mean. Why can't I get over him, even after what I've shared with you here?

Thank you so much for listening and caring, Anna.

Expert:  Anna replied 4 years ago.
You feel sad because your feelings are hurt. This isn't a nice guy. Nice guys aren't so "sensitive" when it comes to their feelings and a jerk when it comes to yours. This will pass, and you will get over it. Nothing you've said is the least bit odd at all - all normal stuff. You don't want a guy like this - you'd be dancing on tippy toes trying to please him, and you wouldn't be able to do it. <p> Accept the gift that he opened you back up to the feelings of romance, take your wins and move on. Time will heal this pain, and now you know you can date again. You don't have to see him face to face to end it - that is just a nice thing, but this guy is playing you. No guy is worth your dignity.</p> Anna
Customer: replied 4 years ago.
You are so right, Anna, it just hurts so much. My ex-husband didn't even hurt me like this when we separated, if you can believe that.

I think I just want to tell him how cruel he was and that I am so much better than that, and deserve much better than that. The image I left of myself with him was a crying idiot, and I want him to see me for the great, strong person I am before I move on. Is that crazy?

I am trying so hard to be strong, and it's more painful that I ever could have imagined. No guy has done this to me, especially since I have a child, I feel like he is particularly cruel.

Thanks again for your help, you are amazing.
Expert:  Anna replied 4 years ago.


You may be grieving the ex-husband at the same time. Here is a link that will help you understand the process of grieving a relationship. You'll get through this and be better for you daughter and yourself.

If you would, please fill out the feedback form after accepting - I appreciate it. My best to you, Anna
Anna, Social Worker
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1945
Experience: 29 years experience in addictions & mental health. I'll tell you my honest opinion.
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