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Anna
Anna, Social Worker
Category: Relationship
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Experience:  29 years experience in addictions & mental health. I'll tell you my honest opinion.
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I have an ex boyfriend I have not seen in 8 years. Suddenly

Customer Question

I have an ex boyfriend I have not seen in 8 years. Suddenly he returns/i did not contact him because I thought he hated me for marrying someone else. He is doing very well for himself. We talk alot on the phone. See each other once. The husband found out about the phone calls and started texting him to stay away. we still talk but he never answers my serious questions like are you angry with me, are you dating someone etc. He wants to see me occasionally no plan. I have alot of feeling around this man so this is hard for me. I have three young kids and my marriage is terrible. My husband cheated on me for a number of years/i did not know how long at the time.

I care about this man. He says he is single no kids. We are both approaching 40 now.Is this a bad thing to engage in. At first I was happy to talk with him. Now I mostly feel sad about how things turned out and the fact that we never talked about it.

What should I do? Is he here to bring me pain?
Submitted: 6 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Anna replied 6 years ago.


Hey mcy,

I think you need to go to counseling so that you can sort out these very complicated issues. Off the top of my head, I think you're engaged in this fantasy relationship with the ex because your marriage doesn't meet your needs. The ex is an escape route - but the problem with this type of fantasy relationship is that it actually keeps you in the unhappy marriage longer because you vent your frustration and you get energized by the ex. The sadness you now feel is about the loss of hope in your current situation. Before it goes much further, I would recommend that you find someone to talk to and tell the whole truth to. Let it all come to light so that you can face the truth of your marriage and put your energy into fixing it or letting it go. Avoiding that any longer will just bring more sadness.
Fixating on unanswered questions with the ex is only an excuse to keep the relationship open. You have unanswered questions with most people you've ever been in contact with, but you're not having an emotional affair with them. It's a hook that gives you 'permisssion' to stay connected. I don't think he's there to bring you pain - maybe he's there to make you face the truth of what your life is really like. I recommend counseling.

Thanks for the chance to answer your question today. If you face this problem, you'll feel a new freedom and a new happiness in a short amount of time, and you and your children are worth the effort.

Anna

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