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Dr.G., Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1467
Experience:  Licensed Psychologist in the state of Minnesota
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Its a long story but i met a guy online just over a year ago,

Customer Question

It's a long story but i met a guy online just over a year ago, we got chatting and i fell for him before i met him, we met up fell in deeper love, but he then reckoned he wasn't ready for a girlfriend, we are long distance relationship a few hours in between us, we had a few disagreements and we ended up getting nasty, i was harbouring bad feelings because he met another girl shortly after us, and it hurt.

few months ago he said he was wrong and that he wanted to try again and that he loved me all along, ilet him back in, but i feel insecure, we have been fighting non stop for a week,over a girl that just texts him through the night and messages him on a social networking site, and i made it clear it bothers me, so we have had fights about that... and tonight just right now he has more or less finished things with me, saying we would be better off as friends, and then he changed it to he wants some space, saying there seems to be more bad times than good, and that he does love me and cares about me, and is ready to commit, but thinks it isn't working because of silly arguements, i tried to tell him it wasn't the end for me as I couldn't give up on him and i couldn't be his friend only. i am absolutely gutted and even though i saw it coming i am still broken because i am in love with him, he did say he wanted space, but i was showing him my personal statement form for uni earlier, so i slipped up and calle dhim back and asked him if he had seen it yet and he said he would speak to me in half an hour but i feel silly now, like i have broken that rule, my heart is breaking.

I dont' know where to turn to, or what to think..
Submitted: 6 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dr.G. replied 6 years ago.
I think what we have here is a clear case of distrust you have for this man. He has done things that make you question his loyalty to you and even though you have told him where you stand on the texting issue he continues to betray your trust. I understand this hurts you deeply and I see it continuing to hurt becasue he has not made efforts to earn your trust. I see him talking to this other woman as a big red flag that could mean more of the same to come in the future. What I am pleased with is that you have the insight to look for these warning signs ad that you saw it coming which is a good thing. BUT... like I tell my patients, you need to go with what your head is telling you (becasue this is where logic comes from) instead of going with what your emotions tell you (becasue this will get you in trouble). My honest opinion is that he does not seem to want to make things better between you and him and so I would cut him loose unless he can prove to you that you can trust him whole-heartedly. If you decide to make it work, then you need to lay it out to him as clearly as possibly the things he needs to do to earn your trust. If he can do these things then it could work out. If he cannot then you have your answer. I hope this is helpful and good luck.

Edited by Dr.G. on 11/15/2009 at 9:34 PM EST
Customer: replied 6 years ago.

How do I stop this feelings of insecurity and distrust...


Maybe me telling him space might make him re-think what he has...


I tell him that actions speak louder than words, and him telling me that the loves me all the time, he thinks that this is feasable and enough for him to prove his love, i just don't know :(

Expert:  Dr.G. replied 6 years ago.
First off, if he is doing things to cause mistrust and insecurity, then you will not stop feeling it. If you tell him you want space then don't assume it will teach him a lesson; because it may not. He needs to know where you stand with the relationship and either he can be on board with that or he has different wants; in which case he needs to find someone who can provide that for him. I agree with you, actions speak louder than words. What actions do you need from him to prove you can rust him? Tell him this and either he can do it or not. I am guessing you already know the answer to your question but it sometimes hurts to make a tough decision to break up. I will say, if you have mistrust in the relationship then it cannot work. You need to be able to trust him 100%.

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