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Dr. Keane
Dr. Keane, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1759
Experience:  PHD LPC
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Im in a lesbian relationship with a woman who is significantly

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I'm in a lesbian relationship with a woman who is significantly older than me. We have been together a little over a year and weathered alot. She has two teens and is recently divorced and fairly new to my state. She has a somewhat high pressure job (tenure track) and is trying to find a house with little time left in her current rental situation. I love her dearly but we now fight alot. I used to be a huge part of her life, sleeping over frequently and having dinner with her and the kids most nights. I then took a gig out of the country for the summer but religiously remained in contact daily. Since Ive been back her daughter demanded I be over less, and as her pressure in general mounts the more she pushes me away, no longer taking time to call just to say hi and seems content to not see each other more than a couple times a week. I'm miserable and trying to sort out if she is just "over" me because she doesn't seem to want me for support or much else. Should I just move on
Submitted: 6 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Anna replied 6 years ago.

What you're describing sounds like a relationship that has run it's course. A year is a good amount of time to spend getting to know someone and fitting them into your life to see how it works. My guess is that her interests have changed away from your direction. What I suggest is a frank discussion with her, with both of you being honest and letting the truth simply be the painful truth if need be. When people run a relationship past it's end, it really makes it hard to move on with respect and a firm grasp on the good times you had.

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Customer: replied 6 years ago.
I'd prefer an answer from a therapist.
Expert:  Dr. Keane replied 6 years ago.
Hi and welcome,

I can assure you that Anna is a therapist and a good one. But, you have requested someone else to answer your question and I will be happy to help you.
Your relationship has been compromised by a few factors, One, her daughter. She demands you come over less often. Many times, women who have been married and get divorced in order to be true to who they are (in her case, a lesbian) can be hurtful and shocking to her family, especially children. They may resent her relationships from then on and mom yields to the pressure and demands of the children due to possible guilt over what has happened to her family. She may feel she "screwed" it up. Two, her job, her living status and stress. That's a lot of change for her, a divorce, a new state, a new position and there is a lot of pressure when you have to prove yourself worthy, if she is at the college level and teaching, she my also have to publish, be on committees etc etc, if she is to stay on tenure track, stress, stress, and more stress. So having relationship "issues" at this time may not fit into her life. She may just not have time for it. If this is a new position for her it began as your returned, not the best timing for her.
What I suggest you do is back off for awhile. You are back from your "gig" and ready to jump into a more committed relationship. She has probably been struggling a bit to the new adjustments in her life and dealing with the guilt her children or at least her daughter is giving her. She may need time or it may be that your absence has caused her to be over you (as Anna suggested above) . So talk to her and be understanding of what she wants right now. You can give her space but I would caution you to not put all your hopes into this relationship. You need to take care of you, not just wait for her to decide what she wants. Give it a specified amount of time and when that is up, you will know whether the feelings are still there from her or you will have to move on. I hope this helps...
Please click ACCEPT and leave FEEDBACK when you are satisfied.

Edited by Dr. Keane on 11/11/2009 at 3:34 PM EST
Dr. Keane, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1759
Experience: PHD LPC
Dr. Keane and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 6 years ago.
I appreciate the more detailed analysis you gave. Thank you.
Expert:  Dr. Keane replied 6 years ago.
you are very welcome, good luck!

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