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Dr. Keane
Dr. Keane, Counselor
Category: Relationship
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Experience:  PHD LPC
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should i have a full blown affair with an ex

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I have been married for almost 20yrs and have children. Before I met the man i married, I was in a relationship with another man for 4 years. I was very young than he was 21 and our relationship was very physcial. well i left him because he began seeing other girls. He was very shocked when i left him, i guess he felt i would always be there. i was very in love with him as he was my first true love. He has married since and is raising a family too. I have never been in contact with this x lover until recently we crossed paths. He gave me his email and i hesitated to write at first but caved in because it was exciting and i was curious to see what he'd say. In his very first letter he said how good I looked and how I could have him anytime. Ofcourse i wrote back because i couldnt get enough of this attention. My marriage has become sterile and routine over the years with no excitement and with this old flame back i am on cloud nine. anyway, that was 3 months ago. we have been writing and calling back and forth almost on a daily basis. We have talked about good and bad memories. he's told me he still loves me and wants us to have a sexual affair. most of the time he expresses his want for me phyically. He says his wife treats him bad but he does not want to leave her because does not want to loose his children. He continues to tell me he misses me and even calls me babe now. Well to make a long story short i am in love with him again. sometimes i feel more so than before since we have emotionally connected more than before. Our relationship thus far has been purely emotional... but it is very close to becoming physical. We have not met up in person yet. I dont know what to do. I want to be with him badly, but i never imagined myself being an adultress. i feel like it's a ball i can not stop rolling. i know its wrong but i cant stop the way i feel! this has really effected my feelings for my husband, i dont feel emotionally close to him anymore. i continue to compare there qualities. My husband now is controlling and has a bad temper. Although he has improved soom this has been difficult for me mentally to live with. To add to this for years I have been suspicious of him cheating on me. Ive even counted his viagra only to find some missing. I have confronted him about it and he says I miss count. Is this a red flag? This only makes it more tempting for me to meet up with my ex. I have weaned myself off of zoloft and for the first time in years am anxiety free since having this relationship with my ex. Whats up with that?
Hi and welcome

A red flag? This has about 10 red flags and counting. First thing, this will be nothing but heartache for you. You ex told you he is not leaving his wife , his desire for you is physical not emotional, you are going to look for the worst in your marriage to justify something you said you can't imagine you doing to someone else's marriage let alone your own.
You are treading in dangerous territory and if you are smart about this you would think about all the people involved and reaiize how many lives could be affected by this decision to move your relationship with him to a physical level.
If you do not love your husband and want to leave, then do it the right way. Do it for you. Never leave for another person. You will be trading one problem for another, especially with a married man who wants you physically. You could just become another notch in his belt and a boost to his ego. Don't allow that to happen. FInd yourself a good marriage counselor who can help you and your husband decide to remain together and work on the marriage or help you end it. I know it's difficult and you believe you are in love with this man. If either of these men have cheated before they will do it again and you will be going from bad to worst. Don't do it just because your believe your husband has cheated on you. Take the high road and be the better person. You will feel better about this if you do, as difficult as it may seem right now.
I wish you the best.
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