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Anna
Anna, Social Worker
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1945
Experience:  29 years experience in addictions & mental health. I'll tell you my honest opinion.
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Hey Walter. You helped me with a situation with my girlfriend

Customer Question

Hey Walter. You helped me with a situation with my girlfriend and I a while back. Realizing you help tons of people daily, I'll refresh your memory. I attached a portion of my email to you below to give you the story again...

I've been seeing this girl for about a year now. 5 months ago she moved back to Boston (I live in Las Vegas). A few months went by with no problems. Then I noticed she was texting back and forth with a guy I didn't know that is a friend of her friends. I called her out on it and she apologized and said she would have been upset too if I was texting some girl back and forth. (So basically she saw how upset I was by it.) I thought it was over. But the next time she visited me to meet my family for the first time, I noticed that she would always check her phone when I left the room or was away. I eventually caught her texting the same guy again.... to make this copy of my old e-mail to you shorter, I’ll just say she stopped texting him and told him to stop getting ahold of her. It should be over, but it’s not.

I'll continue with my new dilemma now.

Anyways, you were really a big help last time, but I find myself in another trust situation with her. Same guy, texting her. But this time it's a different story.

Everything was going good until I noticed that he started to leave comments on her Facebook… again. First one. Then a few weeks later, another. Then one before Halloween. I let it slide. But it got me nervous again whether they were chatting again. So while she was visiting me here in Las Vegas, I just couldn't help but check her texts again. Anyways, I looked at her phone and I found a text from him that read:

“I would give my week up at Cape Cod
to go to Plymouth and lie in that hammock
with you again.”

(This text is referring to a trip she took with friends, and him, to a beach cabin in Plymouth a while back. Way before this was an issue.)

This text not only made me furious, but it says three things to me. One, is that this guy is trying to remind her of the warm moment they shared together. Two, it shows that they have been in contact since she supposedly told him to stop talking to her. Not only because this text is dated October 21st, but because the way he words it. “I would give my week up at the Cape”. She must have known about his upcoming “week at the Cape” or else he would have worded it differently. Third, for a man to open up like this is an indication that it really happened in the way he made it sound.

After I read this, I confronted her. And again, she denied everything. And said that she has had no contact with him. No texts from him. And said she did not respond to his facebook comments either. Yet in my mind, I’m visualizing this text from him seven days earlier that proves that he not only texted her, but she texted back. So… she lied. Again.

So, we let this argument die down. Then I sat her down later and told her that I looked at her texts. She said, “Oh, yeah. He did text me.” Then she goes on to tell me that she did sit with him in a hammock. But her other friend, Suzy, sat in it as well.

That’s all I got out of her. I basically was so ashamed that I looked through her phone that I ended up making this fight more about me sneaking around then about the fact that she lied to me again… Was in contact with him again… And that fact that she was laying in a small hammock with a guy who is not me.

So, she ended up flying home. And out of no where she text me saying that she would have her phone provider block his number, and that she would delete him from her facebook account. Then later when she got home. She text me again saying that she had called Verizon and had his number blocked. And she had deleted him from facebook. To be honest, for her to make this a huge priority right when she got home was nice to see, but it seemed as if she was proud of it.

Anyways, just like last time, she did not get mad at me for looking in her phone. She was calm and during both fights was extremely believable. As if I was completely wrong about this situation with her and him. No joke though. I’m not saying this to be sarcastic. Her mannerisms, the way she handled herself, and the way she held back tears. Showed that she really seems to be telling me the truth.

Here comes the questions….

If this hammock situation was simply her sitting in it with him, then why would this guy make it sound as if it was a close moment between just her and him? As if he was trying to jog her memory of that time they shared? The messed up thing about it is, the texts following the hammock comment sounded as if she did not correct his way of thinking regarding them laying in a hammock together.

It sounds as if it was a lot more than what she admitted to me.

I find myself with this gut feeling that something was up. Could it be my past situations where I was cheated on?

Please don’t sugar coat any answers you feel this situation deserves. I want to know what your take is on this whole situation… the long distance, my past trust issues, her lying to me over and over about this guy. And especially, the text I found that truly sounded like he was recalling a close moment they shared.

Sorry this is so long. But I feel you can get a better picture of what I’m going through.

Thank you

Chris
Submitted: 4 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Anna replied 4 years ago.


Hey Winter,

I just got an email from Walter, who is working in another category on Just Answers now and can't respond to your question. He sends his regards XXXXX XXXXX you well.

At his request, I read through your other post and this one to see if I can give you some feedback. My gut tells me that your girlfriend made a mistake and that she's doing what she can to become trustworthy in your eyes again. Having him blocked so quickly was a big move and show of faith.

She could have been very calm during your discussion because she didn't have anything to hide, and felt bad for hurting you and seeing you upset. My take was that she got what you were talking about and didn't need to cover up anything with drama. People that have nothing to hide, hide nothing. She didn't act like a criminal because she wasn't.

You can't fault her for his actions. It sounds like she's finally figured out he's pushy and isn't setting limits. These guys push women's good intentions like that all the time. They take advantage of the woman's desire to be polite.

You've got trust issues that are going to be highlighted with the distance, and you're going to have to find a way to temper your fears. Take it one day at a time, and believe that if she wants to end the relationship, she will. If she doesn't, she won't act like it. She is not acting like she wants to end the relationship, so I'm going to assume that is where her heart is at. Don't overthink this one, or you're going to be looking for zebras every time you hear hoofbeats. This sounds to me like an ordinary learning experience that you can move past if you desire to. I would recommend doing so and enjoy her company.

Anna

The guy sounds a bit like tool, and I wouldn't go so far as thinking he wanted to bring up memory lane, but just used that as a reference point. He sounds pushy to me.
Anna, Social Worker
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1945
Experience: 29 years experience in addictions & mental health. I'll tell you my honest opinion.
Anna and 2 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 4 years ago.
Hey Anna,

Sorry about taking so long to get back to you. I was away for the weekend. Thank you for taking the time to answer my really, really long question. It seems that you and Walter came to the same conclusion after reading this post as well as my last.

I'm going to take the advice that you two gave me regarding these situations. When two skilled professionals with over 50 years of experience share the same view over my situation, I realized that I need to work on trusting her. She deserves it.

I'm quite curious as to what actions of hers showed you that she was telling the truth? what are some reactions that would have sent up red flags for you regarding my situation?

Thanks for your time.
and again, I apologize for not responding quicker

Chris
Expert:  Anna replied 4 years ago.
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